You Went Out With Him. You Like Him. What to Do Next…

It’s a great feeling. You met a guy, you like the guy. You want him to like you, too. Will he call, or won’t he? Maybe you should nudge things along by texting… or calling…or emailing.

No!

Do not do it. (Promise me you won’t do it.) Listen, I am all for equal rights, equal pay, equal everything between men and women, but when it comes to dating, I say:

Sit back and let him come to you.

Why?

Because this is how you gauge a man’s interest. This is how you break the pattern of doing all the work in getting a relationship off the ground. (Stop working so hard! Stop thinking so much! Give yourself a break already!)

Look yourself in the eye. Repeat after me (slowly). “I’m worth it. I’m worth it. I’m worth it.” Because you absolutely are.

Bonus: When you don’t work so hard, men perceive you as a bigger catch. Take a deep breath. Sit back. See what happens next. If he gets in touch, great. If he doesn’t, move on.

He’s not the only pebble on the beach. So, get out of the house, smile, and make yourself available for a more suitable pebble. (For more reasons why you shouldn’t pursue a guy, go here . For a program on meeting more men than you thought possible, go here.)

Are You Aware of the “Hidden Man Market”? Tips For Meeting Your Right Guy Now

If you’re only using online sites to meet men, you could be overlooking the hidden man market. (By the way, there’s nothing wrong with using Internet sites, but why limit yourself?)

One of the problems of using sites is that it encourages a “dating mindset.” In other words, instead of being prepared to meet a great man anywhere (supermarket, bank, work, sporting event, etc.), you may not be your attractive best until you’re across a table (or on the phone) with someone you met online.

Here’s an interesting fact:

Men are everywhere.

According to Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan:

“Men represent nearly 50% of the adult population, which is 40 million people over 40. So there are 20 million men over 40 in the USA alone.”

Yes, of course some of them are married. But they are all not married. They are all not losers. They are all not in jail. That means, there’s a quarry of good, available men out there, and all you have to do is meet the one who’s right for you.

But, according to Ronnie, most of her new clients haven’t had much  luck. They ask her the same questions:

-Where are the good men?

-I always see the same men at singles events

-I never meet anyone interesting

-It’s way too hard

-They all want younger women

-I don’t notice any decent men!

So, if you have similar concerns, clearly you’re not alone.

Ronnie has been there herself, by the way. She did meet the right one, married him, and designed a program which has helped other women duplicate her success. Check it out at Operation Find Him Now.

HERE’S SOME MAN-MEETING ADVICE FROM RONNIE:

“Get out of the house and go where the men are. Go to the polo match, the local triple A baseball games, the big golf tournaments when famous players come to town or the charity games for fund-raising. Check out the car and boat shows. Hang out at the driving range. Go to local league softball games. Fly a kite at the beach. Go to an outdoor concert or a bar and listen to music. (Yes I said a bar! Not all people who go to bars are drunks – I often go and have only one drink or a cup of tea!) You’ve got to leave your house to meet men.

And you can’t do this in a gaggle of geese. Bring only one friend with you and if you are smart, once in a while you’ll go alone. That way, you make it so much easier for a man to approach you.

ALSO…

Take a simple social risk. Smile. Be friendly. If you can smile, you can meet men. It’s that easy if you just permit yourself he opportunity to connect and interact with men. This is something I absolutely cannot do for you. You are the only who can turn on the charm with a basic smile.

Now,  keep in mind that if I were to share every technique in the book, you’d just get overwhelmed with how to meet men rather than actually meeting them. This happened recently to one of my clients who has purchased so much literature on meeting men that she is totally overwhelmed and immobilized. so much junk runs through her head that she can’t even be herself any more.

HERE IS THE BIGGEST SECRET OF THEM ALL:

Most dating coaches won’t tell you this because there’s no money in this advice – THERE’S NO TECHNIQUE REQUIRED IF YOU ARE WILLING TO SIMPLY BE FRIENDLY.”

If you’re waiting until Friday or Saturday night to be kind and friendly, you drastically decrease your chances of meeting the right man. Smile at that man in the bank, will you? What’s the worst that could happen? He won’t smile back? NEXT!

For more tips from Ronnie, take a look at her Operation Find Him Now plan. She has 3 spots left, and it’s due to kick off this coming Monday, May 21st. She’ll have you meeting men from the very first session.

In the meantime, smile.  Have a brilliant weekend.

How to Find Love When You’re Not Very Good Looking

Hello Terry,

I feel that this society is too pressured on appearance and looking good to impress others that we forget the key to a person is actually their character, personality and conversation. Do you feel this way?

I have been criticized before about my looks, and it created horrible memories in my life. Because of this I created a website for people to meet others, but all profile photos do not show the user’s appearance or body. Photos are only exchanged after 30 messages between the two users.

I believe we should use the power of the internet to bring back our focus on character and personality, instead of every meeting people/dating site being flooded with profile photos of user’s taking photos of themselves in their bedroom or washroom just to attract others.

If you believe this is a good cause and would like to support my website and me, I would really appreciate it if you can like my facebook page about the website I created and also review my website and write about it in your blog.

Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/BlindDatingOnlinecom/202700333142935

Website: http://BlindDatingOnline.com

Please also share my Facebook page with your friends so more people can know about the website. Together we can increase the confidence of others by being less judgmental about appearance in this society. Your ‘Like’ on this page might be able to help someone close to you. It can bring more happiness back into people’s lives instead of them worrying about pleasing others by their appearance.

Thank you for giving me your time today. I really appreciate your time in reading this and your support for my website.
Have a great day =)

Regards,
Rachel

Hi, Rachel-

I definitely agree that society places way too much emphasis on looks.

I would much rather be with a less physically attractive man who makes me laugh than a gorgeous, self-involved statue any day of the week. This is not to say that good-looking people can’t be selfless and funny; they can and are. But the current obsession with tanning, waxing, and surgical facial rearrangement strikes me as a big waste of time.

I checked out your dating site, and it looks like a good thing, so I’m glad to post the link here. I hope it sees a lot of activity and ultimately leads to many happy unions.

A reminder to anyone who thinks s/he is not attractive enough for love: The most important thing any “less” attractive person can do to become more attractive is to believe that s/he’s attractive. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come across an extremely charismatic and lovable person who doesn’t remotely fit the media’s idea of beautiful (or even average looking) but has an adoring and grateful partner.  Such people possess a quality that is ultimately more enduring (and more attractive!) than beauty: It’s confidence.

Confident people emit an energy that other people want to be around. It doesn’t matter if they’re fat, or short and fat, or bald, or have small eyes and a beaky nose. People who feel good about themselves encourage others to feel good about them, too.

And I definitely believe what The Beatles told us: “The love you take is equal to the love you make.” So, vow to brighten somebody’s day every day, even if it’s a stranger, and even if it’s just with your smile. Love attracts love from all angles. When you’re loving, you make it easier for others to fall in love with you.

You become one of those people of whom others say, “If you looked at her she wasn’t pretty at all, but she just had this, this … this quality.”

Texting Is the Laziest Form of Courtship

Did you see Saturday Night Live the other night?

There was a particularly funny skit where football star Eli Manning played a guy who — it’s revealed — texted a whole lot of women in search of a quick date. I mention it because too many girls and grown women get excited when a man texts them.

Texting is the laziest form of courtship.

When a man texts you, don’t get caught up in a lot of back and forth electronic conversation. If he doesn’t ask to meet you eye-to-eye, he’s probably not very serious. And if he tells you he wants to meet eye-to-eye, but he’s always too busy, he’s probably not very serious. Unless, of course, he’s on call in the ER or being shipped out to Afghanistan.

(If you’re a guy reading this, know that certain women play games via text, as well. Some people — the ones who initially seem charming but will inevitably make you miserable — love to gratify their egos by sending the same text to numerous unwitting recipients to see how many fish will bite.)

If you’re smart, when a man texts, don’t get too excited. Respond. See what happens next. Let a man show you what his intentions are (actions always do. Words not so much).

Raise your standards. Keep it to yourself, but promise yourself that only men who make time to make consistent eye contact will be taken into consideration.

Once you raise those standards, better men will show up — and stay. Remember what Somerset Maugham said:

“It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.”

Before I go, I want to remind you:  If you haven’t signed up for the free Tapping Summit, you can still get the recording of the first night’s call by going to this link. I especially recommend you sign up if you suspect you’re sabotaging your love life, weight loss efforts, or your ability to achieve success. You’ll learn a quick, painless, effective method to break through the chains that bind you.

I’m not being hyperbolic. I have personally used this method, and I swear by it.  Check it out.

Day 7 of the Summit may be of special interest. It will tell you how to:

- Find Peace with Bad Breakups; Let Go of Old Relationships
(because you can’t fall in love with the right guy when
you’re hung up on the wrong guy)

and

- Manifest Your Soul Mate

Go for it.

He’s the Greatest Guy Ever… Until He Gets Sober

Terry:

I have known a certain man for over thirty years. We have never had the right moment to be together. He was married and I was married or he was divorced and I wasn’t.  And we’ve shared everything ( “If things were different” … and so on). Well,  now we are both single.

I spent a week with him, and it was wonderful. When he is drunk he tells me he loves me, and I am the one he wants to be with and I am everything.  But when he is sober it’s different.  He tells me he didn’t want me to leave, and I am all he has. He has known for year that I have loved him for over 30 years, and at times he tells me the same thing. Now he’s angry at me because I won’t talk to him.

What to do. It’s been over 30 years, but my heart can take the back and forth anymore.

-Been a Long Time

Dear Been-

If I understand you correctly, the guy loves you when he’s drunk but not when he’s sober. Or he’s fun to be around when he’s drunk but not when he’s sober.

If this is the case, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been with him. You have to ask yourself, “If I could keep this guy drunk long enough to marry me, what would my life be like afterwards?”

I suppose if he stays drunk, everything will be okay. But at some point, he’s going to have to sober up and go to work, right? What happens then?

While I’m all in favor of having a couple of drinks to take the edge off, I worry that drinking heavily on a consistent basis is not conducive to mental or physical health. And you know, it’s terribly aging.

You say your heart can’t take this situation anymore, so I suggest you listen to your heart. Deep down, you know perfectly well what life will be like if you have to wake up next to this person for the rest of your life.

What to do? You know what to do.

You Can Stop Sabotaging Your Love Life

If you’ve ever wondered why other people attract and enjoy loving, healthy relationships, while you keep shooting yourself in the foot, I highly (highly, highly) recommend you sign up for this potentially life-changing free teleseminar series offered by the Ortner family.

(The technique you will learn changed my life. I will stand on the rooftops and shout about it.)

Starting Monday, May 7, EFT experts will help you improve your finance, health, weight, and love life.  Day 7 of the Summit is How to Create the Relationship of Your Dreams with Tapping. It includes two critical  parts. Part 1 addresses Finding Peace with Bad Breakups and Letting Go of Old Relationships. Part 2 will take you through Manifesting Your Soul Mate — Now!

(What is EFT, you ask? If you’ve been with me a while, you know I used it to overcome a 16-month case of hardcore insomnia that stemmed from my mother’s illness and death from brain cancer.  EFT is a non-invasive technique where you tap on acupressure points to release emotions that prevent you from moving forward in life.)

Most of us know that taking in fewer calories and expending more of them is an effective way to lose weight. So, why are there so many overweight Americans? It’s not about willpower. Having been there myself, I know for a fact that fear (and other repressed feelings) prevent many people from achieving health and fitness. EFT can help release those pesky emotions.

Similarly, how many women attract the same wrong type of guy over and over again? How many women consistently attract men who disappoint them? How many women subconsciously make sure they never get into a healthy, loving, lasting relationship? Why is such a relationship so easy for some women and not for others?

If you’re ready to let go of weight, financial trouble, anxiety, pain, and the inability to sustain a happy relationship, I implore you to check out the Tapping Summit.

True story: Several years ago, the Ortners came to my house to film an interview with me about my success using EFT for their movie, The Tapping Solution. My interview ended up on the cutting room floor, and rightly so.

The finished movie presented many compelling testimonies from people who used EFT to heal deeper issues than my (former) case of intractable insomnia. I am pleased and grateful to be an affiliate of the Tapping Summit. Check out the schedule of topics and speakers here.

Dating After Divorce: Free Teleclass April 24th

My friend, Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, will host a no-nonsense call to answer your big, small, and sometimes scary questions about jumping back into the dating pool — especially when you’re a single parent.

She’s enlisted  Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, the Founder of the Child Centered Divorce Network and creator of Mastering Child-Centered Divorce Audio Coaching Program to give you the facts in plain English. Rosalind is also the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?

Ronnie and Rosalind are on a mission is to help ensure you meet your children’s needs — even as you embark on your journey to find one special person, fall in love, and enjoy a lasting, serious relationship with him.

Scheduled for a Tuesday evening, April 24th, this teleclass is a dramatic opportunity to change your unproductive dating habits and banish your Mommy-is-dating-guilt for good.

The best part? You won’t need a babysitter, so sign up right here. (Don’t worry; if you can’t make the live call, you’ll gain access to the recording. Tune in at your convenience.)

5 Tips for an Excellent First Date

1) Know what you have to offer.

Before you leave the house, write a list of your best qualities that have nothing whatsoever to do with your looks. Maybe you’re a good listener. Maybe you’re a piano virtuoso. Maybe you make people laugh. Maybe you bake a mean red velvet cake — from scratch.

Read your list and keep it in mind whenever you’re tempted to wonder, “What will this person ever see in me?” Knowing what you have to offer inspires confidence.

Confidence is more attractive than beauty.

2) Take the pressure off.

Too many people approach every first date as if they’re going to meet The One, and they’d better not blow it. Yeah, it’s possible that the guy you meet over pad thai tonight will indeed be The One, but it’s just as likely he’ll be Some Jerk. While the world is full of wonderful men, it’s also teeming with toads, so find out what you’re dealing with. Meet a guy with the attitude that you may (or may not) make a new friend. If you wouldn’t want him for a friend, he has zero boyfriend potential.

3) Listen at least as much as you speak.

The goal of a first date is to get to know a man. If you’re so busy rattling off your accomplishments, goals, political views, etc., you won’t be able to evaluate him properly. You want to evaluate him properly to determine whether or not you want to see him again. Slow down your breathing. When he talks, listen. Make eye contact. Stop worrying about what you’ll say next. If you listen, your responses will come naturally. You won’t have to work so hard to impress.

If the guy is worth your while, he’ll want to hear what you have to say. If he’s not interested in letting you talk, he’s not a good match for you (or probably anybody else). Give him a chance to show you who he is.

4) Ask open-ended questions.

Get to know him better by asking him questions that start with “what” or “how,” which encourage him to give you meaty answers, rather than asking him questions that start with “do you” or “are you.”  For example, “What do you like most about your job?” is likely to get you a more interesting response than “Do you like your job?,” which may yield a yes-or-no answer.

5) Say goodnight and let go.

At the end of a first date, a guy usually says he’ll be in touch. Sometimes he means it. Sometimes he doesn’t. This is your opportunity to see what he does. Under no circumstances are you to stress about it. If he asks to see you again, decide whether or not you want to see him. If he doesn’t make contact, forget him.

Not every first date is going to lead to a second, and that’s a good thing. If no man could resist you, you’d be too busy fending off suitors to do your laundry. When a guy doesn’t call, it means he’s not The One. Be glad you know this sooner than later.

Also, gracefully accepting a rejection keeps you in the driver’s seat:  You won’t lie awake replaying every nuance of a “failed” date. It renders you free to meet other people until you find The One for you – a man who loves you, makes your happiness a priority, and whose actions match his words.

He Loves His Wife, But She Likes Women

Dear Terry:

I met my wife 10 years ago. She was my best friend. We got married five years ago, and we have a seven-year-old daughter who was born with a disability. Last year my wife told me she was a lesbian (and has been all her life), but she still loved me and did not know what to do. I was shocked and hurt, but I was not angry at her because she did not cheat on me and told me straight up. I tried to be as supportive as I could.

I never argued with her about marrying me or anything of the sort. We split up on good terms but because of my daughter’s disability we stayed living together because I wanted to be with my daughter. We have never got around to getting a divorce so we are still married. She dated someone for months, and I went on a few dates, but I found It was too soon for something serious. A few weeks ago my wife broke up with her girlfriend. We went out to a friend’s wedding and got together and have been sleeping in the same bed together every night since. She says she wants me back. Should we try to make it work? I would like us to be a family for my daughter, but I will always know that she’s not 100 percent happy and neither will I be happy.  Thank you.

Best Regards,

Bewildered

Dear Bewildered:

First off, let me say how sorry I am about your situation. You sound like a good man and an excellent father.  I personally know of two other men who married and had children, only to find out their wives preferred women.

I think you hit it on the head, though, when you say that if you and your wife reconcile she won’t be completely happy and neither will you. She’s back in your bed now, but you’re probably wondering how long it’ll be before she takes up with somebody else. You want to do what’s best for your little one, which is paramount, but you have to take care of your emotional health to be a good and effective parent.

If I were in your shoes, I would do two things: I would find a reputable family therapist to help determine the best course for myself and my child.  I would also seek guidance from a higher power (in case you come from the damaging tradition of “God really doesn’t like you very much, and you’d better watch your step,” I suggest you read the healing and surprisingly humorous  The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale, which will comfort you and show you the way).

Please know that I am praying for your happiness and peace of mind. I wish you and your family every good thing in the world.

Terry

He Kissed Me … and Backed Off Big Time

Hey Terry,

Thank you for an amazing blog, I have a little problem and was hoping that maybe you could help me.

Basically, me and my best guy friend kissed. I had feelings for him before that, but I didn’t think he was interested so I didn’t say anything. After he kissed me he said that he had promised himself that he wouldn’t kiss me, so why he did I don’t know. It felt like we were in a relationship when we were strolling back to campus early that morning and we even talked about how we would tell our friends and how people would react to us being together. And when I say best friend, I really mean best friend. I know the guy so well that I could tell you stories about how his grandparents met.

But what happened was that the day after the kiss, he didn’t answer my text, and when I met him he acted weird. Me, being an anxious wreck who hates grey zones, told him bluntly that I had feelings for him and he was confused so I gave him some time. After two weeks I couldn’t stand it anymore, I had to force an answer out of him. He said that he didn’t want to ruin our friendship, that I was his closest friend and he didn’t want to lose that. He also said that he simply didn’t want a relationship right now.

Months passed, and we were both in a weird, rather depressed state. But I still felt like I knew him, and we would still talk every now and then. But recently I feel like he’s changing. He’s started hanging out with “the boys” again, going to loads of parties, and he’s started acting sort of weird. He called me a couple of weeks ago and was upset about something and we went hiking like we always do when we need to talk. It felt just like old times and I was glad, thinking that we got our friendship back. But then he started acting weird again, he ignores me one day and pretends like everything is fine the next. He still calls me sometimes, but then he ignores me when I see him on campus. It’s just all very odd. I miss him, and really want him back in my life. But when I think about the many times I put myself out there with him, and basically tried to convince him to be in a relationship with me, I feel humiliated. I don’t know what to do, if I should try to fix our friendship before I move away in a couple of months or not? Feels like I’m constantly pushing him, and I don’t get anything back.

- Henrietta

Dear Henrietta-

Two phrases jump out from your letter:

“…tried to convince him to be in a relationship with me” and “…like I’m constantly pushing him.”

You say you feel humiliated, and sometimes you probably feel much worse. You really, really want this relationship, and you’ve tried your damnedest to get it. The man rewards you by acting weird, blowing you off to hang with the boys, and calling you only sporadically.

Close your eyes for a minute.  (After you read this response, though. Otherwise you might not be able to read it).

Imagine shopping for a car. You think you want the car, but you still have a few questions. Instead of giving you time and room to decide whether or not the car is what you really and truly want, the salesman keeps talking. Keeps telling you that you want it. Tells you he only has one more on the floor, sold two last night, and he’s not due for another delivery for two months.

You still want the car, but he hasn’t addressed your questions about gas mileage, or reliability, or safety. He just keeps telling you that you want the car, and that if you don’t buy it now, you’re making a mistake.

How do you feel?

What are you thinking?

Are you calm or scared? Feeling secure or pressured? Are you thinking that you might be better off checking out another dealer?

I don’t mean to compare going out with you to a car purchase. I do want to illustrate this: When you push, the other person’s impulse is to pull back.

Your friend kissed you. He likes you. You are his best friend. He doesn’t want to mess things up between you. Listen to him. Respect him.

Because he’s telling you something. We all know friends who became more than friends, and then became not friends at all (it happened to me). If you respect his feelings you have a much better chance of being more than friends one day than if you keep pushing him to do something he’s not sure about.

Give him room.

This means (and I know it’s hard, but you can do it) forget the kiss. It never happened. Once you banish it from your mind, you can stop reliving it and analyzing his motivations for it.

You’ve probably relived that kiss in your mind 5,000 times, and it’s exhausting. The hyperanalysis is exhausting  Let it go.

You don’t have to fix anything.  All you have to do is be okay with being friends. If he starts acting weird, let him be weird. Be his friend, but don’t wait around for him. You’re moving soon, so fill the time you have left with other activities. Take a Zumba class. Learn a language. Join a soccer team. Keep so busy you don’t have time to wonder, “Will he or won’t he?”

It’s possible he will come around, and you’ll move slowly into that special relationship you want. The key here is that he will have come around. He will have decided he wants it, too. Nobody will have twisted his arm.

It’s possible he won’t come around. He’ll just keep being weird. If this happens, know that a love relationship you is not meant to be. Make peace with that. Count yourself lucky that you found it out sooner than later.

I know you’re hurting and confused. I don’t blame you. Please treat yourself gently and kindly, like the treasure you are.