Demi Got Dumped. Eva Got Dumped. What Hope Exists For the Rest of Us?

By now, we’ve all heard the news that Demi Moore’s husband, (insert expletive here) Ashton Kutcher, allegedly broke his marriage vows on their wedding anniversary.

We also read that Eva Longoria’s husband stepped out on her, resulting in a widely-publicized divorce.

In both instances, TV reporters (usually women reporters) mentioned that the actresses were dumped because they committed the crime of being older than their husbands. (Eva is seven years older than Tony; Demi is 16 years older than Ashton.)

But I doubt either marriage ended due to the women’s ages. They ended because the men were cheaters. Some men cheat. (Some women cheat, too.)

It’s highly unlikely that either man woke up one morning next to an older female and freaked. Let’s face it. At a certain point, he was attracted enough to her to go to the trouble of planning a wedding.

(Interestingly, according to some rumors, Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston because Angelina Jolie was younger. Yet, in 2011, six years after Brad supposedly could no longer deal with her creaking joints, Men’s Health named Jen its Sexiest Woman of All Time. So, age clearly hasn’t diminished Aniston’s attractiveness to the opposite sex and probably had zero to do with her divorce.)

You may be asking, “What’s your point, Terry?”

The point is, I don’t want you to absorb any of this nonsense about your age (whether you’re 25 or 80) making you less desirable.

I’m not telling you to date a much-younger guy, if that’s not your thing. I am telling you not to buy the hype that you are too old (or too anything else, for that matter) to attract love.

CASE IN POINT:

An acquaintance’s mother-in-law is 67. She is married (and has been married for a number of years) to a man 17 years her junior. According to the acquaintance, both parties are happy despite the considerable age difference.

ANOTHER CASE IN POINT:

A successful 36-year-old father of two recently asked a 47-year-old woman out for dinner. After he found out her age, he asked her out again.

Again, not every woman wants to date a much-younger man. You don’t have to.

BUT YOU DO HAVE TO BELIEVE YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE AND DESIRABLE TO ACTUALLY BE ATTRACTIVE AND DESIRABLE.

And you must be very careful not to absorb media brainwashing about your ever-diminishing worth as a female. Remember TV, magazines, and radio make money by selling advertising. Always ask yourself, “What advertiser will benefit if I believe the message in this ‘news’ report?”

BOTTOM LINE:

If you exude confidence and happiness, people will be attracted to you. Conversely, if you feel old and hopeless, you will attract hopeless, depressing, miserable people. Even worse, you will attract men who confirm your worst beliefs about yourself.

Value yourself. Love yourself. Attract better men.

A Winning Technique to Attract Love

If you’ve been with me a while, you know that I believe strongly in the power of faith and visualization to ensure you attract the right man, even if you’ve only attracted the worst, most disappointing men before.

EXAMPLE:

Even though I grew up in a happy home with two parents who clearly loved each other (and demonstrated it), I observed and absorbed the behavior of friends’ unhappy parents and things I read in the women’s magazines (“Why Men Avoid Commitment,” “Why Men are Hardwired to Cheat,” “Man Shortage Survival Guide: Maybe You Have to Share Him With Another Woman,” and so on.)

I didn’t believe in happily ever after relationships. I found myself wildly attracted to bad boys who kept my adrenaline pumping, broke my heart, and confirmed my faulty ideas about men.

After I learned about visualization and discovered the courage to believe better things about relationships (and this does take courage after you’ve been through the mill a few times), I attracted much better men.

Things started to fall into place. I became surer of myself, rock solid in my belief that I deserved happiness, not drama, and became attracted to men who could deliver it.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF HOW VISUALIZATION HELPED ME:

For years and years, I was overweight. Every weekend, I planned to begin some diet (Scarsdale, Weight Watchers, one meal-per-day, etc.) on Monday.

On Monday, I’d start. By Thursday (usually earlier than that), I’d fall off the wagon and plan to start again — you guessed it — the following Monday.

My plans to exercise worked out every bit as well.

All this changed when I discovered the benefits of faith and visualization. As soon as I believed I could do it (and internalized the “after picture” as fact), it happened.

Again, things fell into place. I ate well, sparingly but healthfully (without clenching my teeth), and I found myself wanting to exercise (in a pleasant fashion). My weight loss did not result from some torturous Biggest Loser-type regimen.

(And I’ve maintained that weight loss for many years.)

If you’re interested in visualization and faith and how they can help you, books are available (maybe even in your public library) to help you achieve your goals.

My favorites:

CREATIVE VISUALIZATION by Shakti Gawain
THE POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING by Norman Vincent Peale
THE POWER OF YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND by Joseph Murphy
THE MAGIC OF BELIEVING by Claude Bristol

These books may also be available at your favorite bookstore. I prefer to support independent bookstores, who happily order titles for me (and usually put them in my hands in two to three days), but if you’re not fortunate enough to have an independent in your area, there’s always Amazon (which may be part of the reason you don’t have an independent in the first place).

In the meantime, believe in yourself and good luck.

What He Really Means When He Wants to Be “Friends With Benefits”

Ever hear that old song, “Fooled Around and Fell In Love?”

It’s about a guy who sleeps with a parade of women and falls in love with one of them. It’s been known to happen.

Most of the time, though, it doesn’t happen. Instead, the guy fools around and forgets about it. Then he fools around with someone else.

It may be popular to believe that only men fool around or seek FWB arrangements, but in my experience women are also guilty of taking sexual advantage of a vulnerable guy, only to move on and leave him in the dust.

And FWB arrangements aren’t limited to just sex. I’ve known women who’ve let smitten men to buy them drinks, dinner, and jewelry, encouraging them to think they’ll fall in love with them someday.

I’m not a fan of Friends With Benefits arrangements. People get hurt.

When a guy asks to be FWBs, he’s revealing a serious character flaw. He’s demonstrating the ability to reduce another human being into a toy for his personal pleasure. (In most cases, that would be a sex toy.)

What a repellent quality. When a person suggests you be his FWB, be thankful that you got the opportunity to glimpse his true nature before you got in too deep. Turn around and walk away.

You are not a toy. You are a human being with a beating heart. Do not waste time with slutty men.

Want to Meet Your Soulmate? Do This…

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: The best way to meet your Mr. Right (or, if you’re a man, your Ms. Right) is to recognize him when he shows up.

Knowing what you want raises your antenna for it. We all have a vague idea of what we want in a man (for some of us, it’s just a man), but we must do better if we are to attract satisfying, drama-free love.

Writing a list of the qualities you want in a future boyfriend — or spouse — has an uncanny way of making you not only alert to that right guy when he appears in your airspace, but also of bringing him into your airspace. Yeah, I know it sounds like hocus-pocus, but it works.

So…

If you’re between the ages of 18 and 80, you pretty much know what you don’t want in a man. Jog your memory by writing down the qualities of the men who’ve hurt, disappointed, bored, or revolted you. For instance:

-Cheats
-Lies
-Uncommunicative/unaffectionate
-Whips out nasal spray at restaurant table
-Never stops talking
-Calls incessantly
-Humorless/makes jokes at others’ expense
-Competes with me/puts me down/is threatened by my success

Now that you know what you don’t want, uncover what you do want by writing down good alternatives:

-Loyal and faithful
-Truthful
-Communicates well
-Affectionate
-Good listener
-Calls to make plans; prefers to spend time eye-to-eye
-Funny, laughs easily
-Kind
-Supports my dreams/revels in my success/lifts me up

You can make your list as long as you like. Keep it in your pocket and refer to it throughout the day. Keep a copy on your bathroom mirror and read it while you’re brushing your teeth. Think about what it would feel like to be with a man who possesses the qualities that make you happy. Think about how it would feel having him sit beside you at your cousin’s wedding.

Keep this up for 30 days.

If you still think it’s a big waste of time, I challenge you to try it. I’ve received letters from women who gave it a shot (even after meeting a long parade of duds) who say it worked for them.

And just the other day, I met a woman who reported she met her husband after reading a book that suggested writing down a list of 100 wishes (not hopes, she emphasized, but wishes). She put down in ink a wish for “someone to sail with.”

Shortly afterwards, she met her sailor and married him. She credits having written her list for a) knowing what would make her happy, and b) for recognizing it when it showed up. She says she’s very happily married and grateful for her first failed marriage because it taught her “what not to do.”

She also says she “treasures” every moment with her new husband, which encouraged me because I’ve heard of women who got divorced, only to marry men like their former spouses. Who knows? Maybe writing a wish list help this woman avoid another bad marriage.

Why don’t you try it? It’s free, and you have nothing to lose.

Want to Meet New Men (But Online Dating Isn’t Cutting It)?

An attractive, smart, well-employed friend of mine hopes to get married. She’s turned to various dating sites to help her meet men.

Now, I personally know many people (my brother, for example) who met their future spouses online, but my friend is having the worst luck. She gets profiles with photos of men hidden under baseball caps or dressed to do an oil change. She’s received pictures from guys who couldn’t even bother to put on a shirt.

She’s not desperate, so she’s not going to date any of them, but she is frustrated.

And she’s not meeting potential dates at work, either, because it’s the same people in her office day in and day out.

What to do?

She’s a woman who makes friends easily, so my recommendation is for her to make more friends. She can do this by pursuing her passions (art, animals) and meeting people with the same interests.

This may sound too easy, but it works.

She may indeed meet the right man in the course of enjoying her passions, but more likely, she’ll meet his mother, sister, friend, or cousin who’ll introduce her to him.

If you’ve been with me a while, you know I know a woman who met her husband while visiting her father at the hospital. The future husband was on staff. They are now married and parents of a little boy.

I know another woman who met the man who became her husband at Thanksgiving dinner. Her brother invited his other siblings over and also asked a friend who was passing through town. He didn’t intend to fix anybody up, but fireworks ensued, anyway. His sister and his friend got married and had their second child in December.

Too many women blow opportunities to meet good men because they’re “on” only in certain situations: on dates, in bars, at parties, or online. They don’t expect to meet anyone new at a family event, a hospital, or at the supermarket, so they show up looking (and often behaving) less than their best.

Also, too many women — and men– make the mistake of setting a goal to meet “the one,” while allowing the interests that make them interesting to potential suitors fall by the wayside.

DON’T DO IT!

- If you like tennis, play tennis.

- If you like the opera, go to the opera.

- If you like to crochet, join a crochet circle (no, you probably won’t meet the man of your dreams there, but you may meet his grandmother).

- If you have to visit a friend in the hospital, look your best. You don’t know who you’ll meet there.

- If you like long walks on the beach, take long walks on the beach. Regularly. (I have a theory that if everybody who likes “long walks on the beach” actually took them, dating sites would go out of business.)

Wherever you go, smile. Make eye contact. Chat with the human standing behind you at the bank. Be approachable. Be attractive.

Your efforts will pay off. You will meet new people. Some of those people will know men they may want to fix up with a charming, kind individual like you.

When you meet those men, do not jump. Remember, you’re looking for the right man, not any man.

Give each one a chance but keep your standards high. When you’re meeting an abundance of men, you move squarely out of that “take what you can get” mindset. You’ll date better men, which will naturally lead to happier relationships.

(Is food a passion that sets you apart? Check out http://paper.li/twobitme/food.)

How Long Should You Wait For a Man to Say “I Love You?”

Hi, Terry!

I’ve been dating a guy for four months.

But I’m wondering – how long do I go before waiting to hear an “I love you” before realizing I may never get it? I realize as a woman it’s probably much better for him to come to this realization first, and I also realize this is most likely different for everyone, and you can’t pinpoint a number of months for everyone. But how long is acceptable to stick around and wait for it before calling it quits and moving onto someone I CAN hear those words from? Three months of exclusive dating? Six months? A year?

Any insight would be greatly appreciated!

- Yearning to Hear Three Words

Dear Yearning-

You hit the nail on the head when you say everyone is different. For various reasons, people get around to saying “I love you” on their own schedules.

I would worry less about hearing those three little words than in assessing your boyfriend’s behavior. Lots of people go around saying “I love you” left and right when they don’t demonstrate anything of the sort (I once dated a clown who told me he loved me after cheating). Some people say “I love you” just to shut you up.

Other people feel things deeply and may have trouble saying “I love you” but show (genuine) love in other, more important ways. I would much rather be with a guy who makes me laugh, makes my happiness a priority, takes my opinions seriously, and does what he says he’s going to do, than be with some person who claims to love, love, love me but continually shows up late, criticizes me, and never picks up a plate.

Keep in mind, many an incident of domestic violence has ended with the perp assuring his victim, “I love you. I’ll never do it again. I’m sorry. I love you!”

Please don’t misunderstand me. It would be wonderful if your boyfriend makes the proclamation you long to hear, as long as his actions add up. On the other hand, I’d hate to see you dump a man who treats you well and makes you happy because he failed to cough up three syllables.

Ask yourself, “Am I happy with this man?”

If so, please continue seeing him. Even if he says he loves you, there’s no guarantee your relationship will lead to marriage. And even if he doesn’t say he loves you, there’s no guarantee it won’t.

Base your decision to cease or continue this relationship on your boyfriend’s actions, not on his words.

Good luck!

Is He Trying to Tell You It’s Over?

Is he breaking up with you?

Sometimes you’ll know because he’ll come out and tell you the relationship is over.

Other times, his calls will drop off, he’ll be less available, and you’ll be left wondering if he’s truly busy or quietly moving on.

Before you get too upset, determine whether the guy is worth keeping around in the first place. Take out a piece of paper and honestly assess the pros and cons of the relationship.

(Note: “Having a man in my life” does not constitute a pro.)

If you conclude he’s worth holding onto, let him prove it. If he’s been playing it cool, don’t text him, grill his friends for his whereabouts, or arrange to run into him somewhere. Sit back. See what happens. If he gets in touch with you and makes a consistent effort to see you, the relationship may indeed be worth salvaging.

If, however, he shows up at whim looking for sex, he’s merely a sex partner (and a weasel). If you want more than that, move on to make yourself available for a better man.

Once you decide to move on, the key is to actually move on.

This will help:

- Using that list of relationship cons, write down in vivid detail situations where your ex annoyed, embarrassed, or hurt you. Keep this bit of info in your wallet and whip it out whenever you’re tempted to replay a romantic scene between you in your head. It may also help to keep a copy on your bathroom mirror.

- Paint a room in your house or apartment. Rearrange the furniture. Making a change in your environment signals a new start.

- In a couple of weeks, when you’re feeling stronger, make a special effort to forgive your ex. This step is for YOU, not him. You’ve heard it before: Holding a grudge is like letting a jerk live rent-free in your head.

It’s your head. Reclaim it.

To forgive him, close your eyes and mentally tell him, “I forgive you.” This will not be easy for a while, but do keep it up. Eventually, you may even work up the strength to pray for the guy.

What we wish for others we wish for ourselves. Pray for his happiness. Pray that he becomes free of his annoying tendencies.

Pray for yourself and for the strength to forgive.

Forgiveness is powerful. When you forgive a man, you unbind yourself from him. One day you will run into him on the street and wonder what you ever saw in him.

Believe it.

Furthermore, forgiving the wrong man makes you available for the right man.

Wouldn’t you rather be in the arms of the right man than in those of the wrong man?

Happy New Year.