How Not to Look Desperate on a First Date

Women complain that many men on dating sites don’t make much of an effort for their profile pictures. They’re wearing baseball caps. Some of them aren’t even wearing shirts.

Ugh.

(If you think I’m going to tell you to lower your standards and give one of these men a try, you’re wrong. If a man can’t think about the way he’s coming off on a dating site, he’s not going to think about much else.)

But some women do the exact opposite. They make too much of an effort.

They post a glamorous (maybe overly glamorous) photo of themselves.

They get a date.

Guy says, “Let’s go to dinner.”

“Whoopee!” Girl thinks. It’s been a long time since she’s met a decent guy for coffee, let alone gotten an offer for dinner.

She assumes the man wants to go someplace elegant. She obsesses and picks out a dress. She finds shoes. She puts on stockings and a wrap.

Only to end up at the Texas Roadhouse. Or Chili’s. Or some glorified pizza place.

It may strike you as elementary, but you’d be surprised at how many women fall into this trap, dressed to the nines, stuck in some feed hall flanked by casually dressed diners (and, all too often, their screaming toddlers).

Don’t let this happen to you.

If a guy suggests dinner, know what you’re getting into. Very nicely ask, ”What type of place are you thinking about?”

If the place sounds unfamiliar, ask him about the dress code. (Better yet, see if the restaurant has a website, where you can get a feel for the atmosphere.) And if it turns out to be Chili’s or a pizzeria, that’s fine. Go and meet him with the intention of possibly making a new friend.

Plan not to overdress.

While underdressing suggests you’re not making much of an effort, overdressing suggests desperation. It says you’re working too hard and thinking too much.

You’re not desperate.

You can be devastatingly attractive without overdressing. Dress to look and feel your confident best.

(You can’t go far wrong with a white blouse and a pair of slacks. Even if it turns out everyone else is wearing hoodies and sweats, you can pass for having gone out straight from work.)

No matter what, hold your head up and be the star you are. And, by all means, leave the wrap at home.

What Not to Do On Valentine’s Day

Whether or not you’re in a relationship right now, one thing you must not do this Valentine’s Day is…

Buy into the hype about Valentine’s Day.

If you’re in a truly loving relationship, you don’t need hearts, flowers, teddy bears, lingerie, and a candlelit dinner for confirmation. (Especially dinner in a restaurant so jammed the guy at the next table is using your rib for an elbow rest.)

You love each other every day. You don’t need a Hallmark holiday to prove it.

And, IF YOU’RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP, please do not do any of the following:

- Allow yourself to feel depressed about not having a special man in your life.

- Use this opportunity to send flowers (anonymous or  otherwise) to that guy you like in Accounting.

- Decide that you are destined to be alone forever.

- Use the day as an excuse to do anything you will most certainly regret tomorrow (hook up with a loser ex, load up  on “comfort” food that will render you puffy and misshapen, drink your head off, etc.).

INSTEAD, DO THIS:

- Take yourself (and perhaps a fun friend — no sad sacks, please) to a movie, preferably a comedy and not the story about the boy whose father died in the World Trade Center.

Or…

- Use the evening to be your own best boyfriend. Treat yourself as you would want the most amazing man you can imagine to treat you.

Make yourself a beautiful meal. Set the table (no eating over the stove, please). Use your best silver and dishes. Pour yourself a glass of the best wine you can afford. You are worth the effort (and if you don’t think so, why should anyone else?).

You may be asking how the simple act of treating yourself well will change your love life. KNOW THIS: When you treat yourself well, people — especially men — pick up on it. It raises your value. Women with low self-esteem attract bad men. Women with high self-esteem attract good men — and lots of them.

HERE’S A TIP

If you’re one of the women tweeting post-Grammys that you’d love to be beaten by Chris Brown, you suffer from low self-esteem and must remedy the situation immediately.

Seriously.

When He Doesn’t Want a Relationship (and You Do)

He says he doesn’t want a relationship, but he keeps coming around. You laugh all the time. You have great sex. You have so much in common. You’re perfect together.

He feels it, too. You know he does. You can tell because of the way he looks at you.

Yet…

He says he doesn’t want a relationship, and you’re baffled.

Surely you can change his mind. Surely he’ll thank you for it later. You belong together. If only you could make him realize it.

You can, right?

Can you?

Here’s the thing. When you’re in the wobbly position of convincing a man that he wants a relationship — that he’s better off with you — you have lost your power.

You know how it feels. You walk around like a zombie. You’re preoccupied. You don’t smile or laugh with your friends, coworkers, or children as much.

You toss and turn at night, devising plans to get him to want a relationship he says he doesn’t want. You’re miserable and out of control.

So, now what do you do?

You take him at his word. When a man says he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him.

(KNOW THIS: A certain type of man — a creep, for instance — will tell you he doesn’t want a relationship and keep coming around, knowing you’ll take his behavior as evidence that he indeed wants one. This way, he can sleep with you and not feel guilty about it. “Hey,” he’ll reason. “I told her I didn’t want a relationship.”)

When you take a man at his word, he will do one of two things:

- He will realize that he wants a relationship, and if he doesn’t get his act together, he’ll lose you.

- He will disappear from your life. (This is a good thing. He was never going to be your boyfriend, anyway. You’re hurt, but you will get over it).

How do you take a man at his word?

Once he says he doesn’t want a relationship, stop returning his calls, texts, etc. (If he says, “But it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends,” oh, yes it does. You are just too vulnerable. Cease communication.)

Absolutely do not sleep with him “just one more time” (since you’re emotionally involved, it’ll feel good now and hurt like hell tomorrow).

Instead, fill every spot of your calendar with healing activities that give you joy. Smile. Meet all sorts of new people. One of them may introduce you to a man who wants a drama-free relationship with a great catch like you.

And, if you happen to run into Mr. No-Relationship, keep your distance. Wave, smile, and keep moving. You are no longer available to him.

Being Too Nice Can Get a Girl In Trouble

Dear Terry,

I need URGENT advice on what to do in this situation. I have this guy coming to visit me this weekend we had met online 3 months ago, and he wants to see me. Thing is now, after he’s booked his tickets and everything I don’t want to see him or have him in my life at all. I am hurt.

Here’s the story. So, he’s almost 2 years younger than I (I’m 26) and he’s also an inch shorter, and was just a nice guy so I was just friends with him. We would talk and give each other advice. He was there for me when I was down, and I even used to talk to him about getting over my ex, and I also reciprocated the attention and advice. Anyhow, lately we have come to a conclusion that we were more than friends and he decided to come see me now rather than wait till the spring as was previously planned.

A little background on the guy, he’s last girlfriend was a total bitch and used him. I on the other hand I’m not and I’m nice. Anyhow, he talked to me on the phone the other day and told me that his mom is trying to find him a wife (something that is common from where he’s from; he’s here for school) and that she said she was gonna go the next day to propose for him. He said that he didn’t want to get married now because he wanted to establish himself in his career. However, he said he didn’t want to disappoint his mother because he had previously (a year ago) asked her to find someone for him, and he didn’t want to seem to change his mind.

I tried my best to keep composed during this conversation, and I told him that people can change their mind with experience and knowledge and that he needs to have better communication. At the end, I told him that it was a decision that he was going to have to make. At the end of the conversation, my voice cracked and I told him that I was not going to be with him and watch him get into a relationship with someone else. I told him this is why we should just stay friends, and he said that we couldn’t.

Later he texts me the same day and says something completely retarded and complains to me about something totally irrelevant! (I mean seriously, I was hurt and cried and he didn’t care to ask how I was feeling!!)

Oh, and mind you, his main concern through this was that he wasn’t going to finish his career, not marry the wrong person! (This is a person who claims to be oh so attached to me and constantly thinks of me).

So, anyhow, I want to accomplish two things now:

1. It’s obvious that it is not getting through his thick head that he is hurting my feelings. He is taking me completely for granted and has no regard for me as a female!

I want to change that, not to get back with him, I want no future with this guy, no matter how short. I just want for him to make this realization (I feel like I’ve been like ‘nice mom’ and not ‘bitch’ which is because I never treated him as a guy, but rather as a nice person because I didn’t see him as possible potential).

2. I don’t want him to think I’m upset and have him brush me off and think that he still has power or control. I want him to realize that I’m great catch and he’s the loser. So, I don’t want to act rude in that regard.

3. Along those lines, I don’t want to see him! I am supposed to pick him up from the airport this weekend, but I don’t want to! I was thinking of sending him a last-minute text message and telling him that something came up and that he’d have to find his way. Also, should I spend his whole trip with him? he’s coming Saturday afternoon and leaving Tuesday morning Can I ditch him for a day or so?

I want the conclusion of this for me to be a. in control, b. unconcerned about whether I have him or not, and c. still get pay back.

URGENT advice, please!

Thanks!
-Nice girl

Dear Nice-

This line from your letter raised a red flag:

“I told him this is why we should just stay friends, and he said that we couldn’t.”

He said what? On what planet does a man make this decision all by himself? What other decisions will he make for you during his four-day visit?

(You’ve never met this stranger before, am I correct? Did it occur to you to let him take a cab from the airport and meet him in a public place? Why would you agree to let a man you’ve never met get in your car?)

You describe an individual you met online three months ago, a person who wants a ride from the airport, who demonstrates little regard for your feelings, and plans to let his mother find a suitable wife for him.

You describe his last girlfriend as a “bitch.” Is this your assessment? Or his? Is it possible she was “bitch” because he is inconsiderate and self-involved (and possibly worse), and she got away from him?

I’m trying to figure out why he’s coming to see you. He’s indicated he’s not available for a relationship, so what does he really want? (Ask yourself.)

You consider yourself a nice girl, but you’d better stop worrying about what people think. You want this guy to realize you’re a catch. Why? Who cares what he thinks? You are the one giving him power. Take it back. Start by being nice (and true) to yourself.

You’ve clarified what you want (not to pick him up at the airport or to spend time with him). Why do you need permission? You don’t need my permission, and you certainly do not need his.

Do what you want. (Please tell me he you haven’t given him your home address.)

At one point, you mention that this guy is shorter than you. Who cares? A guy doesn’t necessarily need to be tall to make me happy. He does need to be kind and considerate. He needs integrity. He needs not to make decisions for me. He needs to know what he wants. He needs to be able to find his own wife.

A sense of humor helps, too.