He’s Single, Celibate, and Loving It

Dear Terry,

I think I used the Law of Attraction to attract this man in my life, but I may not have been specific enough! Met a guy a year ago on a photo shoot, I was shooting his friend. He was friendly said he would contact me about pictures shortly.

Contacted me about 9 months later for pics. He said he was a personal trainer, and he could train me for free if I wanted because he enjoyed it.

So he emailed me like every morning what I needed to get done for the day, we met up several weeks later to discuss everything. I tell him I need to get in shape for sister’s wedding, and he says I’ll be ready. Then later that night he emails me and asks me if he could escort me to the wedding. I say yes. He has also told me that he is so happy that I am in his life, and I am a joy in his life, and he has met a lot of women, and I have a special gift.

He continues to invite me places with his friends, and to group activities, but has never asked me out on a one-on-one. He is very spiritual and into church and God. He has said that he doesn’t want me to hook him up with anybody because he enjoys just being single and hanging with his friends. He is currently celibate and waiting for marriage, but he has had sex before.

I invited him to group activity with my friends and he said, if I want him there he will be there, so he is willing to be on my turf.

I have heard his best friend say that I’m a keeper, but the guy has never actually professed to want to be with me.

I am totally falling for this man, and I am unsure if he is just making me a really good friend, or if he has an interest in dating me and may be just moving really slow because he doesn’t date frivolously. I am afraid to ask if this is going anywhere because if I don’t know I can still dream, and also, if he is just going to be a friend then that’s great because he’s a wonderful person. Also, the wedding has been pushed back two seasons, and he still says he will take me, which means he expects to be around then. Mixed signals?

Please Help!

-What’s the Deal With This Guy?

Dear What’s the Deal:

You write:

“I am unsure if he is just making me a really good friend, or if he has an interest in dating me and may be just moving really slow because he doesn’t date frivolously.”

You’re unsure, but it’s not your job to sit around doing mental gymnastics to figure out what this guy wants to do. It’s his job to open his mouth and be absolutely clear about it. “You have a special gift” and “You are a joy in my life” are lovely statements, but they pale in comparison to, “I’m crazy about you, and I can’t imagine life without you” or even “How about you and I try that new restaurant on Saturday?”

Right now, he’s having fun being single and hanging with his friends. He’s in no rush to do anything else. He likes you, obviously, but he’s going to live according to his timetable and nobody else’s. That’s his prerogative, but are you going to put your life on hold so he can escort you to a wedding? Think of all the other (possibly more suitable) men you might miss out on by fixating on this one individual.

You say you’re falling for him, but I recommend you take very good care of yourself and slowly back away. Seriously, what are you supposed to do? Wait around to find out if he’s ever going to date you properly?

I don’t suggest you back away out of spite or a desire to “make him miss me.” Your goal is to protect yourself and perhaps make yourself available to meet someone even better. Right now, you are so caught up in this guy’s “greatness” that you couldn’t recognize a better man if he bit you on the leg.

Back away. Be less available to accept this fellow’s invitations (you don’t have to cut him off completely, but say yes less often). If you have other friends, go out with them. If you don’t, make new friends. By all means, widen your social circle and take advantage of all the fun opportunities that come your way.

In the meantime, look at this as a chance to clarify what you want: To fall in love with a man who loves you and is clear about it. If it’s not this guy, it will surely be someone else.

Which means, when the time comes, you may not be around to take Mr. Single and Hanging With His Friends to your sister’s wedding, after all.

What’s He Trying to Say?

Hi, Terry-

It had been a while since I had heard from or seen an ex-boyfriend. We saw each other at a party. He welcomed me and almost immediately said to me that he had broken up with his ex-girlfriend. He had known that I disliked the ex-girlfriend anyway.

He has also known (I think) for the past two years that I still love him (and always will) so, a few weeks went by, and we started texting one night over a simple question I had about mutual interest. It ended up being a 4-hour texting session in which out of the blue he writes, “I am lonely, I need someone new in my life.”

First I thought, WHY WOULD HE BE TELLING ME THIS?

Then kept wondering if there was a hidden message, so I played it cool and said he would find someone, he has a lot going for him, it would just be a matter of time. Then he said, “I have no luck in finding the right person to spend the rest of my life with.”

Excuse me? What was I? We had been together for almost two years. I hoped I was the one then! Again, why tell me this? I am unsure of how he feels about me, and I do believe he has a good idea that I still care for him. Can you help me? What is he saying to me and why? I need to keep my head on straight to figure out what he is really saying or implying or… is he just being friends with me? I, myself, would never say these things to anyone unless it was my best friend, never mind on ex-boyfriend or man for that matter.

Thank you.

-S.

Hi, S.-

The first thing the guy does when he runs into you is tell you he’s single. Then you embark on a texting marathon (you don’t say who started it), in which he tells you he’s lonely. You assume he knows you still love him. You wonder why he texts that he has no luck in relationships, especially after you had one together.

You might conclude that the guy is still interested in you based on this. You might also conclude he isn’t. But I wouldn’t draw any conclusions at all.

Way too much is being hinted at, assumed, and left unsaid. I really dislike text conversations, for one thing. What stopped either of you from saying at some point, “Let’s continue this conversation on the phone. Call me.” Or, better yet, “Let’s continue this discussion over a cup of coffee?”

You wonder why he chose to bemoan his failure to meet the right person to you, especially when you suspect (but don’t know for sure) that he’s aware that you still love him.

You know, you could have asked. You could have said (again, preferably eye-to-eye), “Why are you telling me this?”

Then you’d wait for his answer. And if he told you, “I miss you, and I want us to be together again,” you’d know where you stand with him. And if he told you, “Hey, listen, you’ve always been such a good friend,” you’d know where you stand.

Knowing where you stand equals freedom. And when you don’t understand what a man is driving at, you have every right to ask him to make it clear: “Why do you say that? I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

You say you’ll always love him, but I suspect that if he closed the door on you, you’d experience the relief of finally knowing. You could move on.

And if he does still have feelings for you, gently encourage him to express them. Life is too short for beating around the bush.

When a Man Says This…

Very often I receive emails from women who’ve just heard one of the following statements from a man they thought they had a future with:

“I love you, but I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

or

“I have feelings for you, but I’m not ready for a relationship.”

or (my personal favorite)

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”

These and similar idiotic statements leave the hearer dumbfounded. I mean, what do they really mean? A woman is left to wander the planet trying to decipher exactly what the poor fool was trying to communicate.

She asks her friends. She asks her mother. She consults a psychic. She lies awake at night trying to figure it all out.

And she comes to this conclusion:

HE MUST REALLY LOVE ME! HE LOVES ME! AS LONG AS HE LOVES ME(AND HE DOES; HE SAID HE DID!), I KNOW I CAN MAKE HIM COME AROUND. HE LOVES ME!!! I CAN AND MUST CONVINCE HIM WE BELONG TOGETHER!

Here’s the thing, though. She can’t, you can’t, and I can’t convince anyone of anything. If a man says he can’t see you for any reason, take him at his word and move on. Forget any proclamations of ‘love’ or ‘feelings’ or ‘wonderful times’ together.

Move on.

Now, if you’re telling yourself this kind of thing always happens to you, you’re born under a bad sign, you’re unlucky in love, I suggest you look at it this way:

The guy did you a favor (in a cowardly and unbecoming way). He’s not for you. Be open to the very real possibility that a man who knows what he wants (you) is out there, hoping to meet you, and ready to do whatever it takes to love you and make you happy.

Say:

I was born under a very good sign.

Things happen for a reason.

I am lucky in love.

And repeat these statements often. Ask yourself, how does it feel to be lucky in love, for instance? How would you act? How would you think? How would you carry yourself?

Guess what? The more you say it and feel it, the sooner your subconscious will accept it and go to work on attracting the love you want and deserve.

(For more on this vitally important subject, check out Keysha Whitaker’s piece on affirmations by clicking here.

Now, go for it. Because why would you ever accept anything less?

Is He Worth It?

Dear Terry,

Love your blog and your perception of the bleedingly obvious..so hope you can help me.

I will keep it brief..I visualised and met the most amazing man..so good so far..except that he had a breakdown..and chose to deal with this on his own. He distanced himself from me by basically disappearing without giving me much of an explanation.

This was a year ago..since then he has written to me via email to apologise an offer an explanation. He has now divorced, overcome his depression with medication/psychotherapy and seems to be in a good emotional space.

After no contact for nearly a year, we arranged to meet recently. It was so good to see him again, but I was surprised to hear he is now seeing someone else. He painted a picture that said he was not that happy with this new woman. I came away feeling hurt that he chose to move on with someone else when we had a great thing going before his breakdown.

He was very interested to know if I was seeing anyone. I told him the truth that I was dating a few men at the moment, but nothing serious.

I feel I have maintained my dignity and been gracious throughout our year of no contact. He apologised and says he feels ashamed of how he acted. He wants to be friends now.

I like to always keep the door open, and to just let life flow. But another part of me wonders why he not only let me go..but pretty quickly moved onto someone else.

Have I answered my own question?

-Keep Me Anonymous

Hi, Anonymous-

A couple of things strike me about this “amazing” man:

He disappeared, got psychological help, divorced, and then resurfaced to inform you that he’s got a new woman in his life, and he’s not really happy with her.

Huh?

I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was separated (and that his wife was aware of the arrangement) when he started dating you. If I’m wrong, I dislike him immensely.

I get it that you were really, really attracted to this guy (otherwise, you wouldn’t describe him as amazing), but you have to know you deserve so much better than this. Yeah, I’m sorry the guy had a breakdown, but what about the rest of it?

And now he want to be friends, but is he capable of being a friend (I don’t know the answer to this, but you probably have a hunch)? Before you let him into your airspace again, ask yourself if it’s worth it.

Being a friend means having someone you can share a laugh with, but it also means taking care of that other person. It means occasionally having to listen to them cry about their problems when you might rather be doing something else.

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that, but will you end up having to tell him? Is he truly worthy of your time? Is he worthy of the time of the new woman he claims to be less than excited about?

I do think you answered your own question.

Raise Your Standards to Stop Attracting Substandard Men

Terry-

My boyfriend is very open with me and loves, as well as respects me. He treats me exceptionally well, and you can see he loves me. We spend a great deal of time together in pretty much one place – the sports bar.

We attend sporting events, and if we can find anything else to do, we will. I live with my parents and don’t quite know where he lays his head now that he supposedly moved out of the house he shared with an ex-girlfriend. I decided it was time for me to have my own place to live and began my search. Just when I decided on the right apartment, I lost my job.

So now we are at a point where the need is still present for us to have a home to spend time in (his or mine), and neither of us have that. He knows where I live however, after we leave each other, I don’t know where he goes to. I have dealt with it for a very long time, patiently waiting for him to tell me the things I know he hasn’t said. I don’t always want to be so patient. I don’t know what to do.

-Waiting for Answers

Dear Waiting-

A couple of things stick out for me from your message. Here’s one:

“I live with my parents and don’t quite know where he lays his head now that he supposedly moved out of the house he shared with an ex-girlfriend.”

The phrases that trouble me in that sentence are:

“…don’t quite know where he” and “…supposedly moved out.”

Here’s another sentence that bothers me:

“I don’t know where he goes to. I have dealt with it for a very long time, patiently waiting for him to tell me the things I know he hasn’t said.”

Now, I get it that he treats you extemely well when you’re in the sports bar. He probably treats you as if you’re the only woman on earth. When you’re together, you’re walking on air. You’re absolutely tingling.

But when you’re not together, you’re walking around with giant question marks in your head:

WHERE DOES HE GO AFTER HE LEAVES ME?
WHERE DOES HE LIVE?
IS HIS EX STILL IN THE PICTURE?

You get scared. Then you get sad. Then you try to line up evidence to make your case that he does, indeed, love you. Then you get happy. And then you remember that you don’t know where the hell he goes after he tells you goodnight. Yout get scared again. You can’t sleep. You don’t know what to do. You can’t concentrate at work. You can’t take it anymore.

And then you see him again, and everything’s beautiful. The birds are singing, the stars are winking just for you.

You are on a roller coaster, and you must get off.

If you don’t know where a man lives, you do not have a relationship (or, if you know where he lives, but he refuses to let you in, you do not have a relationship).

Right now, you are meeting a guy in a bar who seems to really, really, really like you. He may say he loves you and appears to be ‘open’ with you in every other way, but if he does not let you know where he lives, he is not being straight with you.

In other words, his words and actions are one big jumble.

I know you don’t want who hear this (who does?), but here’ s the good news. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.

You deserve a guy who not only lets you know where he lives, he actually invites you there. He never makes you lie awake wondering about why he says one thing and then does another.

Stop torturing yourself. You say you don’t know what to do, but I’ll tell you what I would do.

I would stop going to that sports bar, and if that man called me to find out why, I’d tell him the truth: “I know where my friends live. I know where my family lives. I don’t know where you live. I don’t know where you go. I don’t know very much about you at all.”

Until a man’s actions line up with his words, let this be your mantra: “I CAN DO BETTER.”

Because you surely can (but only if you believe you can).

Terry

She Turns Him On, and He Can’t Take It

Hi Terry,

My “man issues” are different.

I met this great guy, and the chemistry’s great. We started out well, but my problem is, he’s cut me out because of the strong sexual attraction between us. He is afraid of giving in to it because of his religious beliefs and values.

He doesn’t even want us to be friends, according to him, seeing me alone is a turn-on for him. So what do I do? I really like him and would love to have a relationship with him.

-Would Love

Dear Would Love-

Here’s the thing: If you somehow convince him to embark on that relationship you desire, and he gives into the sexual attraction, he will eventually resent you for it.

He’ll blame you for separating him from the values his parents and religion instilled in him. He will come to perceive you as some sort of enemy.

No, this isn’t fair. He is attracted to you, and you are clearly attracted to him. It seems such a waste not to be able to be able enjoy a relationship that just seems right and natural, doesn’t it?

You want him. He wants you. What’s the problem?

But, for him, it’s a problem. And God didn’t put you on this planet to convince anyone that you and he are meant to be, and that everything will be fine in the long run.

Your best bet is to give the guy what he wants. (Yes, I know you don’t want to hear this, but hear it.) He doesn’t want your friendship. Well, fine. Walk away quietly and keep your head up.

Please remember: You’re (obviously) attractive. There will be other men with whom you enjoy tingly chemistry. Let their gain be this other guy’s loss.

He Doesn’t Know What He Wants…

Hi Terry,

I have been seeing this guy since December. He is 31, and I’m 33. The relationship started very well, but a few weeks back, he sent me a text saying he doesn’t want to hurt me because I’ve been faithful, but he hasn’t, and he’ll prefer if we are just friends. I felt really bad.

He keeps calling, he still wants us to hang out together. It seems to me he doesn’t know what he wants. I don’t know what to do. Do I ignore his calls or what?

-Baffled

Dear Baffled-

I would definitely ignore his calls. Instead of giving you the courtesy of telling you face-to-face, this 31-year-old man texts you to say he just wants to be friends. Then, he starts calling you again to hang out, which will probably involve activities that go beyond the usual parameters of platonic friendship.

It’s true; he may not know what he wants. Chances are, five years from now he won’t know, either. Unfortunately for him, you weren’t put on the planet to help him figure it out.

You can do better.

Terry