Show Me the Love Every Day, Not Just on a Hallmark Holiday

Last September, Keysha Whitaker, my partner at Single Women Rule, came up with the idea of a blog crawl. Readers liked it, and one of the participating bloggers decided to try one of her own, which she’s calling (to be fair to Keysha!) a blog-a-thon, instead of a blog crawl.

That blogger is Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, who teaches her male and female clients who want to get married to actually get married, as opposed to turning themselves into lifelong daters.

The blog-a-thon’s subject is Valentine’s Day, a ‘holiday’ that has always made me a bit queasy (have you seen those commmercials geared to men who want to stay out of trouble with their ‘sweethearts?’ Note to husband: I don’t want flowers, chocolate, a pajama gram, or a freaking teddy bear. I get it that you love me; I don’t need any of that crap to prove it).

Check out my post on Ronnie’s blog-a-thon here. I addressed the subject of Valentine’s Day, but not in a way (I hope) that makes you queasy.

What am I doing for Valentine’s Day?

We’re getting our taxes done (like working out, it feels better afterwards), and then we’re meeting up with friends for dinner, drinks, and fun.

What are you doing? Do tell. Whatever it is, make it empowering and fun!

Book Review: Don’t Ever Call Me, Ma’am!

I never get it when people, particularly women, worry about their age.

I don’t understand why they consider themselves less attractive or less valuable or less anything as they get older. It’s been my experience that people with a few years under their belts are funny, smart, and interesting (well, usually).

So when a book comes along to assure me that life begins at 40, I’m like, “No kidding.” You’re preaching to the choir.

But then I read my mail. I get email from women who tell me they might as well have dropped dead at 40. Men don’t want them. Employers don’t want them. The only person who does want them is the plastic surgeon.

(Again, personal experience shows me something else. A good friend, who’s 44 with two children, attracts a ridiculous number of men ranging in age from 20 to 60. Two years ago, she set her sights on a certain position in a certain location – and got it. Still has it, too.)

But if you’re a woman who fears 40, I do recommend Linda Franklin’s Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am! The Real Cougar Handbook. The first Canadian woman to own a seat on the New York Stock Exchange, the woman’s got a winning attitude whether she’s writing about success or relationships.

Here’s Franklin’s take on men:

“While it may be true that more women over 40 are enjoying relationships with younger men, they aren’t putting themselves on the auction block to do it. Don’t believe for a minute that a Real Cougar is a lonely predator skulking in dark bars preying on younger men. She is definitely not the cartoon character that too many make her out to be. Undoubtedly, this negative image was concocted by the overly testosteroned fantasy world of our male population. Let’s face it: Women are still the prime target for the good old boy’s double standard. And the only way we’re going to change that is to continue to excel doing it our way.”

The book includes a how-to chapter on dating and relationships, guest-written by dating coach and author Ronnie Ann Ryan (full disclosure: Ronnie’s a competitor of mine who’s now a friend). The book also features Franklin’s easy-to-follow advice on managing one’s finances and her success plan for achieving goals (with a very inspiring story about how one woman set out to become a best-selling author and became one). There’s also a chapter on sex, amusingly titled, “Sex Is Not a Job.”

Fore more information on Linda Franklin and Don’t Ever Call Me Ma’am!, check out The Real Cougar Woman.

She Thinks She Has a Problem With Men

Hi, Terry-

Thanks for your emails. I’d really appreciate some advice from you.

I think I have a problem with guys – they always seem to be intimidated by me, no matter how hard I try to show them I’m an ordinary person. One problem I have, if you can call it a problem, is that I’m very intelligent. I was educated in the best universities and I’ve been a lecturer at a good university for the last three years.

When guys first meet me, they seem interested and ask me out. After we go out a few times, either they get scared off and slowly disappear or they stick around but become very careful with me and give me mixed signals. Too scared to kiss me, waiting for me to make the first move – which I never do because I think that’s the man’s job. I’m very traditional. This is sometimes prolonged. They flirt with me, take me out, call me a lot but when it’s time to show romantic interest, they play the ‘we are just friends’ card. This happened to me many times. Or I’m told ‘you are too nice, I don’t want to hurt you’ or that ‘if I go out with you, you’d be demanding and want serious commitment’. Or I’m told ‘I was never sure you were interested’, even though I may tell them and/or spend time going out with them a lot…

I know some of the guys I dated (if you can describe this behaviour as dating), felt very inferior and tried to put me down to show who is the man. They went on to find girlfriends they were more comfortable with (usually, less educated than them).

Another problem I have is that men never think I’m single. I’ve been told ‘you don’t act as if you are looking for someone’ or that ‘you are too good looking to be single/go out with me/date normal men’. Again, all this is rubbish.

Yes, I’m a clever, serious and hardworking person but I’m also very sociable and make friends very easily. I’ve always had many good male friends. So I don’t understand why this is happening to me all the time and men can’t see me as a girlfriend. If anything, I think I’m actually too nice to men I like and I tolerate a lot, apart from jumping into bed with them. I want to wait to be in a serious relationship before I do that.

I’m not sure if that’s the problem at the end of the day – them feeling I’m not about to sleep with them without them putting in some effort. But I think I deserve the extra effort (extra being what every girl would want – not talking about spending money on me).

Sorry to go on like this. I’d be interested to hear what you have to say. I don’t know if this is of relevance, but I was brought up in a country different from the one I live and work. So that makes me a foreigner I guess.

-Too Smart For My Own Good?

Dear Smart-

Right off the bat, I’ll tell you I am not as smart as you, haven’t been to the best universities (although I did go to a decent one) and haven’t taught at any, either.

Yet, on more than one occasion I came across a guy who’d tell me, “You’re too smart.” On one particular occasion, a dude told me, “You’re very bright and attractive, but I’m looking for someone I can mold.”

Seriously. He said that.

It goes without saying that I’d prefer not to date (or marry) any person who needs to mold me or who finds my intelligence intimidating. Life is too short to hang out with morons.

That said, I’d been told by some people that I could be perceived as “hard to get to know,” “snobbish,” and having a “superior attitude.” The fact of the matter is that I was none of these things. I was shy, and it took me a while to learn not to stiffen up around people. I’ve always found it easier to be the person asking questions of other people, rather than have them ask them about me. And while it’s true nobody wants to hang around some bore who goes on and on about herself, we do have to reveal some details about ourselves if people are ever going to feel close to us.

You say you come from a different culture than the one you’re currently living in, and it’s possible something is indeed getting lost in translation. But you make friends easily, and a lot of those friends are men. Would you feel comfortable saying to one of them, “You know, I’d really like to meet someone special, but I seem to have trouble getting things off the ground. Is there some advice you could give me?”

You may be embarrassed to ask for help, but people are usually glad to give it to you (and flattered that you asked).

When a man tells you you’re too good looking to date, or that you don’t appear to be looking for someone, put the ball back in his court. Look him in the eye, smile, and say, “Why do you say that?”

Let him tell you. His answer should tell you everything you need to know (whether he’s got serious insecurity issues, for example, or if you seem unapproachable).

You say that you’re too nice to guys sometimes and put up with too much. What are you putting up with, exactly? When you let a person treat you less than well, they come away with the impression that you’re not much of a catch, no matter how smart or good-looking you are.

This may be why some men tell you “you’re too nice,” or that they expect you’ll demand a commitment if they keep seeing you.

So…

I’m wondering if you’re not smiling enough, being playful enough when you first meet a guy. And then, when you start dating him and things start to progress, you put up with too much nonsense, which lowers your value (think about it: when a guy accepts bad treatment, do you value him?).

I haven’t seen you in action, so I’m just throwing things out here. You’re attractive, smart, and make friends easily, so you definitely have what it takes to attract a great guy and enjoy a lasting relationship.

One more thing: Guys who need to let you know who “the man” is should be dismissed immediately. Right: You’re a woman, and he’s a man. That’s a given. None of us should be marching around having to prove our gender all damn day.

A guy who’s threatened by you in any way for any reason is a bad bet. We are what we are. We want to be loved for who we are.

How’s this for an affirmation?

“I, _________________, am happily married to a loyal, loving, fun man who loves me just as I am and is thrilled by my intelligence.”

Tweak it, if you like. Then, using all your senses, bring that man and that relationship to life in your imagination. It’ll be sketchy at first, but with perseverance, details will fill themselves in. Keep bringing that relationship to life in your imagination several times a day.

I’ve asked my colleague, Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, to weigh in on this question, so please watch the comments for her take.

Readers, if you have any suggestions for our friend, I’d love to hear them.

Does Marriage Have to Spell the End of Love and Romance

Not if you ask Ronnie Ann Ryan, who recently spent her ninth wedding anniversary in an unconventional manner. While many couples like to celebrate anniversaries in restaurants, Ronnie wasn’t into it this time. Her husband went along with her alternate plan, which left her mightily appreciative.

After the anniversary, she blogged:

I never look back at all the dating I did with regret. Some of it was fun, some of it was devastating, some of it was tolerable. And just once – I hit the jackpot.”

If you’re in Connecticut on May 28th (that’s next Thursday), Ronnie is scheduled to discuss flirting, one of her all-time favorite subjects, in Milford. She says, “Flirting is good for your health. Single or married, leveraging feminine charm energizes you, makes you feel alive and desirable and increases your everyday joy.”

MEET RONNIE:

Thursday, May 28th, from 7-8:30 pm

MakeupMakeup Studio
22 Broad Street, Milford on the green
(Behind Dunkin Donuts)

RSVP – 203-783-9096
The event is free but limited to 20.

An Effective Way to Find Out If He’s Interested

Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, author of Manifesting Mr. Right, says ‘dropping the ball’ is the best way to find out if a guy’s interested. I agree, although for different reasons (she says it comes down to DNA; I think it comes down to human nature. Both men and women like a ‘prize’ — something or someone — they have to work a bit for).

Whatever. It works. Check out Ronnie’s advice here.

Gals’ Cruise to Bermuda! I’m Going. How About You?

It doesn’t matter whether you’re single or married. Come alone.* Bring a friend. Bring a bunch of friends. Bring your sister. It only matters that you’re up for a good time!

(I sure am.)

Cruise Planner Virginia DeDad, Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, and I have put together a 5-day Royal Caribbean cruise, setting sail from New Jersey on September 20, and we want YOU to join us.

We’ll dock in King’s Wharf, Bermuda.

Our ship, Explorer of the Seas(R) features:

-10 restaurants.
-State-of-the-art spa**
-Bars, a pub, a nightclub, and casino**
-Golf course
-Yoga and fitness classes
-2 pools
-Live entertainment
-Movie theater

(We won’t be bored.)

PLUS, SINGLE WOMEN CAN TAKE ANY OF THESE FREE WORKSHOPS (WHILE THEIR MARRIED FRIENDS DO SOMETHING ELSE):

Attract the Man of Your Dreams with the Law of Attraction

Tired of dating the wrong men? Discover how you can bring the right man into your life by unleashing the power of the Law of Attraction. Terry Hernon MacDonald, author of the blog, Dating Advice (Almost) Daily, will give you the time-tested tools to attract a man who’ll make you happy.

Flirt School: Increase Your Feminine Allure to Attract More Men

What makes a woman irresistible? Discover simple flirting methods and sure-fire ways to rekindle your feminine charm. Ronnie Ann Ryan, The Dating Coach and author of the book MANifesting Mr. Right, will show you how to become approachable, improve desirability, and connect with non-verbal cues. (Visit Ronnie here).

Date Smart—Savvy Tips to Find Love Now

Do you worry you’ll never find a good man? Learn the most effective dating strategies to find the love you want. Ronnie Ann Ryan will clear up confusion about dating roles, who pays, and how you can avoid the biggest mistakes women make today.

Plus:

If demand warrants, we may offer “Women Finish Rich—Savvy Financial Planning Strategies for a Fabulous Retirement,” a seminar with a reputable (but not boring) financial planner in tune with women’s unique financial situations.

RATES:

*Depending on availability, Virginia will be happy to arrange a roommate for you.

Inside Cabin:
$849/person, double occupancy

Balcony Cabin
$1149/person double occupancy

Includes all taxes, port charges, fuel supplements.

**Spa services, alcohol, land tours extra

$200 Deposit due by June 22nd
Final payment due on or before July 12th

To make your deposit or for more information, call Virginia with Cruise Planners (she’s friendly) at:

1-800-794-0741 or 203-402-0632

Great Flirting Tip

I found a very excellent post on Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan’s blog today about getting up the nerve to do whatcha gotta do when you want to get out of a rut and meet somebody.

If you’re not familiar with Ronnie, she’s the author of Manifesting Mr. Right, which details how she defied media gloom and doom and attracted her own Mr. Right after age 40. Check out Manifesting Mr. Right here.

Click here to check out Ronnie’s blog and flirting tip.

Who Should Pay On the First Date?

If you’re a woman, Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan says it shouldn’t be you. Click here for her free report and find out why.

A reader has taken me to task for suggesting that checking a guy’s cell phone for evidence he’s been talking to other women is unattractive. She made some excellent points that I’m thinking over seriously.

While the women I’d referred to routinely surveilled innocent boyfriends, this reader had serious grounds to believe her fellow was cheating. She checked his cell phone and found that he had indeed text messaged another woman about “getting together.”

She followed her instincts, and that’s a good thing. She did what she had to do.

But I think we can fairly set her apart from women (and men) who suffer from the kind of insecurity that compels them–without sufficient cause– to check up on good, devoted, true loves and ultimately drive them away.

How She Met Her Husband

Had dinner with the wife of Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s great-grandson last night. She told me she met her very kind and well-off husband in a supermarket, of all places.

What’s even cooler is that she was the mother of five when they met. He is six years younger than she is.

The fact that this woman found her husband in a supermarket comes as no surprise to Ronnie Ann Ryan, the author of Manifesting Mr. Right, who has been telling women that supermarkets are great places to meet men for eons.

Single Women Just Want to Date and Have Fun

I recommend two great resources for single women. The first is Ronnie Ann Ryan’s free newsletter and her ebook, Manifesting Mr. Right, which describes how Ronnie found love after the age of 35, and how you can, too.

Sign up for Ronnie’s newsletter, and you’ll receive her report, “10 Reasons Why a Woman Should Never Pay on the First Date.” While you’re at it, you can fish around for information on the new podcast about dating I recently did with Ronnie.

The other is Eve’s Society, an organization devoted to helping women shake the socially-fostered mentality that urges them to make finding a man their goal in life. Founder Keysha Whitaker’s goal is for women to have fun and prosper whether a knight in shining (or newly refurbished) armor ever shows up.