EXAMPLE:

Even though I grew up in a happy home with two parents who clearly loved each other (and demonstrated it), I observed and absorbed the behavior of friends’ unhappy parents and things I read in the women’s magazines (“Why Men Avoid Commitment,” “Why Men are Hardwired to Cheat,” “Man Shortage Survival Guide: Maybe You Have to Share Him With Another Woman,” and so on.)

I didn’t believe in happily ever after relationships. I found myself wildly attracted to bad boys who kept my adrenaline pumping, broke my heart, and confirmed my faulty ideas about men.

After I learned about visualization and discovered the courage to believe better things about relationships (and this does take courage after you’ve been through the mill a few times), I attracted much better men.

Things started to fall into place. I became surer of myself, rock solid in my belief that I deserved happiness, not drama, and became attracted to men who could deliver it.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF HOW VISUALIZATION HELPED ME:

For years and years, I was overweight. Every weekend, I planned to begin some diet (Scarsdale, Weight Watchers, one meal-per-day, etc.) on Monday.

On Monday, I’d start. By Thursday (usually earlier than that), I’d fall off the wagon and plan to start again — you guessed it — the following Monday.

My plans to exercise worked out every bit as well.

All this changed when I discovered the benefits of faith and visualization. As soon as I believed I could do it (and internalized the “after picture” as fact), it happened.

Again, things fell into place. I ate well, sparingly but healthfully (without clenching my teeth), and I found myself wanting to exercise (in a pleasant fashion). My weight loss did not result from some torturous Biggest Loser-type regimen.

(And I’ve maintained that weight loss for many years.)

If you’re interested in visualization and faith and how they can help you, books are available (maybe even in your public library) to help you achieve your goals.

My favorites:

CREATIVE VISUALIZATION by Shakti Gawain
THE POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING by Norman Vincent Peale
THE POWER OF YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND by Joseph Murphy
THE MAGIC OF BELIEVING by Claude Bristol

These books may also be available at your favorite bookstore. I prefer to support independent bookstores, who happily order titles for me (and usually put them in my hands in two to three days), but if you’re not fortunate enough to have an independent in your area, there’s always Amazon (which may be part of the reason you don’t have an independent in the first place).

In the meantime, believe in yourself and good luck.

It’s about a guy who sleeps with a parade of women and falls in love with one of them. It’s been known to happen.

Most of the time, though, it doesn’t happen. Instead, the guy fools around and forgets about it. Then he fools around with someone else.

It may be popular to believe that only men fool around or seek FWB arrangements, but in my experience women are also guilty of taking sexual advantage of a vulnerable guy, only to move on and leave him in the dust.

And FWB arrangements aren’t limited to just sex. I’ve known women who’ve let smitten men to buy them drinks, dinner, and jewelry, encouraging them to think they’ll fall in love with them someday.

I’m not a fan of Friends With Benefits arrangements. People get hurt.

When a guy asks to be FWBs, he’s revealing a serious character flaw. He’s demonstrating the ability to reduce another human being into a toy for his personal pleasure. (In most cases, that would be a sex toy.)

What a repellent quality. When a person suggests you be his FWB, be thankful that you got the opportunity to glimpse his true nature before you got in too deep. Turn around and walk away.

You are not a toy. You are a human being with a beating heart. Do not waste time with slutty men.

Knowing what you want raises your antenna for it. We all have a vague idea of what we want in a man (for some of us, it’s just a man), but we must do better if we are to attract satisfying, drama-free love.

Writing a list of the qualities you want in a future boyfriend — or spouse — has an uncanny way of making you not only alert to that right guy when he appears in your airspace, but also of bringing him into your airspace. Yeah, I know it sounds like hocus-pocus, but it works.

So…

If you’re between the ages of 18 and 80, you pretty much know what you don’t want in a man. Jog your memory by writing down the qualities of the men who’ve hurt, disappointed, bored, or revolted you. For instance:

-Cheats
-Lies
-Uncommunicative/unaffectionate
-Whips out nasal spray at restaurant table
-Never stops talking
-Calls incessantly
-Humorless/makes jokes at others’ expense
-Competes with me/puts me down/is threatened by my success

Now that you know what you don’t want, uncover what you do want by writing down good alternatives:

-Loyal and faithful
-Truthful
-Communicates well
-Affectionate
-Good listener
-Calls to make plans; prefers to spend time eye-to-eye
-Funny, laughs easily
-Kind
-Supports my dreams/revels in my success/lifts me up

You can make your list as long as you like. Keep it in your pocket and refer to it throughout the day. Keep a copy on your bathroom mirror and read it while you’re brushing your teeth. Think about what it would feel like to be with a man who possesses the qualities that make you happy. Think about how it would feel having him sit beside you at your cousin’s wedding.

Keep this up for 30 days.

If you still think it’s a big waste of time, I challenge you to try it. I’ve received letters from women who gave it a shot (even after meeting a long parade of duds) who say it worked for them.

And just the other day, I met a woman who reported she met her husband after reading a book that suggested writing down a list of 100 wishes (not hopes, she emphasized, but wishes). She put down in ink a wish for “someone to sail with.”

Shortly afterwards, she met her sailor and married him. She credits having written her list for a) knowing what would make her happy, and b) for recognizing it when it showed up. She says she’s very happily married and grateful for her first failed marriage because it taught her “what not to do.”

She also says she “treasures” every moment with her new husband, which encouraged me because I’ve heard of women who got divorced, only to marry men like their former spouses. Who knows? Maybe writing a wish list help this woman avoid another bad marriage.

Why don’t you try it? It’s free, and you have nothing to lose.

Now, I personally know many people (my brother, for example) who met their future spouses online, but my friend is having the worst luck. She gets profiles with photos of men hidden under baseball caps or dressed to do an oil change. She’s received pictures from guys who couldn’t even bother to put on a shirt.

She’s not desperate, so she’s not going to date any of them, but she is frustrated.

And she’s not meeting potential dates at work, either, because it’s the same people in her office day in and day out.

What to do?

She’s a woman who makes friends easily, so my recommendation is for her to make more friends. She can do this by pursuing her passions (art, animals) and meeting people with the same interests.

This may sound too easy, but it works.

She may indeed meet the right man in the course of enjoying her passions, but more likely, she’ll meet his mother, sister, friend, or cousin who’ll introduce her to him.

If you’ve been with me a while, you know I know a woman who met her husband while visiting her father at the hospital. The future husband was on staff. They are now married and parents of a little boy.

I know another woman who met the man who became her husband at Thanksgiving dinner. Her brother invited his other siblings over and also asked a friend who was passing through town. He didn’t intend to fix anybody up, but fireworks ensued, anyway. His sister and his friend got married and had their second child in December.

Too many women blow opportunities to meet good men because they’re “on” only in certain situations: on dates, in bars, at parties, or online. They don’t expect to meet anyone new at a family event, a hospital, or at the supermarket, so they show up looking (and often behaving) less than their best.

Also, too many women — and men– make the mistake of setting a goal to meet “the one,” while allowing the interests that make them interesting to potential suitors fall by the wayside.

DON’T DO IT!

- If you like tennis, play tennis.

- If you like the opera, go to the opera.

- If you like to crochet, join a crochet circle (no, you probably won’t meet the man of your dreams there, but you may meet his grandmother).

- If you have to visit a friend in the hospital, look your best. You don’t know who you’ll meet there.

- If you like long walks on the beach, take long walks on the beach. Regularly. (I have a theory that if everybody who likes “long walks on the beach” actually took them, dating sites would go out of business.)

Wherever you go, smile. Make eye contact. Chat with the human standing behind you at the bank. Be approachable. Be attractive.

Your efforts will pay off. You will meet new people. Some of those people will know men they may want to fix up with a charming, kind individual like you.

When you meet those men, do not jump. Remember, you’re looking for the right man, not any man.

Give each one a chance but keep your standards high. When you’re meeting an abundance of men, you move squarely out of that “take what you can get” mindset. You’ll date better men, which will naturally lead to happier relationships.

(Is food a passion that sets you apart? Check out http://paper.li/twobitme/food.)

- Yearning to Hear Three Words

Dear Yearning-

You hit the nail on the head when you say everyone is different. For various reasons, people get around to saying “I love you” on their own schedules.

I would worry less about hearing those three little words than in assessing your boyfriend’s behavior. Lots of people go around saying “I love you” left and right when they don’t demonstrate anything of the sort (I once dated a clown who told me he loved me after cheating). Some people say “I love you” just to shut you up.

Other people feel things deeply and may have trouble saying “I love you” but show (genuine) love in other, more important ways. I would much rather be with a guy who makes me laugh, makes my happiness a priority, takes my opinions seriously, and does what he says he’s going to do, than be with some person who claims to love, love, love me but continually shows up late, criticizes me, and never picks up a plate.

Keep in mind, many an incident of domestic violence has ended with the perp assuring his victim, “I love you. I’ll never do it again. I’m sorry. I love you!”

Please don’t misunderstand me. It would be wonderful if your boyfriend makes the proclamation you long to hear, as long as his actions add up. On the other hand, I’d hate to see you dump a man who treats you well and makes you happy because he failed to cough up three syllables.

Ask yourself, “Am I happy with this man?”

If so, please continue seeing him. Even if he says he loves you, there’s no guarantee your relationship will lead to marriage. And even if he doesn’t say he loves you, there’s no guarantee it won’t.

Base your decision to cease or continue this relationship on your boyfriend’s actions, not on his words.

Good luck!

Sometimes you’ll know because he’ll come out and tell you the relationship is over.

Other times, his calls will drop off, he’ll be less available, and you’ll be left wondering if he’s truly busy or quietly moving on.

Before you get too upset, determine whether the guy is worth keeping around in the first place. Take out a piece of paper and honestly assess the pros and cons of the relationship.

(Note: “Having a man in my life” does not constitute a pro.)

If you conclude he’s worth holding onto, let him prove it. If he’s been playing it cool, don’t text him, grill his friends for his whereabouts, or arrange to run into him somewhere. Sit back. See what happens. If he gets in touch with you and makes a consistent effort to see you, the relationship may indeed be worth salvaging.

If, however, he shows up at whim looking for sex, he’s merely a sex partner (and a weasel). If you want more than that, move on to make yourself available for a better man.

Once you decide to move on, the key is to actually move on.

This will help:

- Using that list of relationship cons, write down in vivid detail situations where your ex annoyed, embarrassed, or hurt you. Keep this bit of info in your wallet and whip it out whenever you’re tempted to replay a romantic scene between you in your head. It may also help to keep a copy on your bathroom mirror.

- Paint a room in your house or apartment. Rearrange the furniture. Making a change in your environment signals a new start.

- In a couple of weeks, when you’re feeling stronger, make a special effort to forgive your ex. This step is for YOU, not him. You’ve heard it before: Holding a grudge is like letting a jerk live rent-free in your head.

It’s your head. Reclaim it.

To forgive him, close your eyes and mentally tell him, “I forgive you.” This will not be easy for a while, but do keep it up. Eventually, you may even work up the strength to pray for the guy.

What we wish for others we wish for ourselves. Pray for his happiness. Pray that he becomes free of his annoying tendencies.

Pray for yourself and for the strength to forgive.

Forgiveness is powerful. When you forgive a man, you unbind yourself from him. One day you will run into him on the street and wonder what you ever saw in him.

Believe it.

Furthermore, forgiving the wrong man makes you available for the right man.

Wouldn’t you rather be in the arms of the right man than in those of the wrong man?

Happy New Year.

Their next (annoying) question:

If not, why not?

If so, when are you getting engaged?

This obnoxious line of questioning puts unnecessary stress on a single person, doesn’t it? It’s even worse when Competitive Cousin Hilda’s thrusting her engagement ring under every nose on the premises.

And then some clown swaggers over to you and demands, “So, are you EVER going to get married?” What do you do then?

This is what you do:

You stand up a little straighter. You make eye contact with the assailant and smile. You say, “I’m too young to get married.”

You say this even if you’re 80.

Then, when the inquisitor responds, “Come on now, every girl wants a ring on her finger,” you say:

“I’m enjoying life too much now to settle down, but when I decide to do otherwise, you’ll be the first to know.”

Put a twinkle in your eye and walk away.

This will put you back in the driver’s seat: If you’re not in a relationship, you come off as confident and attractive, someone who “has it going on.” If you’re in a relationship that’s in a holding pattern, you inform everyone (including your boyfriend, if he’s present) that your life already has meaning, thank you very much, and you are open to many possibilities (which may or may not include him).

Remember, always remember, what you have to offer (you’ve written that list, right? And read it before you left the house?). That’s worth more than any diamond.

Walk into every party, show up for every family event, with a song in your heart. Present yourself like a gift.

You are a gift. Start thinking of yourself that way and others will, too.

In your lap? Strapped to your head?

If so, it’s time to evaluate your relationship with this item. Are you running it, or is it running you?

Handheld devices are supposed to make our lives easier, but — let’s face facts — they make us busier. They keep us from thinking our own thoughts, enjoying down time, and making ourselves available for happy occurrences.

When you chat and text away at the bank, the supermarket, or while waiting for a friend for lunch, you’re not likely to notice and exchange a smile with someone new (who could be the right man for you — or the man or woman who introduces him to you).

I can’t tell you how many married couples have told me that they met each other in the course of a usual day. For every person who told me they met his or her spouse via the Internet, another has told me they found love at a concert, at church, or in a store.

One woman told me she overheard an attractive guy speaking French. She leaned over and said, “Oh, you speak French. I was a French major in college.” They started talking.

Turned out he was new to the country, but not for long. They’re married and run a successful import business together. If this woman had been texting, she would have missed her chance to meet her husband.

Okay, you say, but my cell is a security blanket. It makes me feel comfortable in uncomfortable situations.

I get that. Nobody wants to be sitting alone in a cafe looking like she has no friends, so a lot of us turn to our phones to ease our anxiety.

But let me make a suggestion. Next time you’re out alone (on a park bench, the beach, or in a coffee shop), put the phone away and pull out a book.

Reading a book makes you look as if you have interests. By its nature it’s something you must do alone, so it makes sense that you’d be alone. What’s more, a book can serve as an opener for conversation.

Many years ago, I was on the beach when an arrestingly good-looking guy chatted me up about the book I read (Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte). We didn’t turn out to be a match made in heaven, but we did have a few fun dates.

So, be conscious of your cell phone use. Is it helping you meet people, or is it just serving as a barrier between you and new people?

Turn it off. Wherever you go, leave your house five minutes early to facilitate grace and tranquility. Move with ease and confidence through your day.

And smile.

-Stuck Holding the Bag (Of Old Dresses)

Dear Stuck-

You bring up a really good point: Certain people will do all sorts of stupid things to control other people. I have a friend who dated a contractor who offered to refinish her basement. She told him no thanks. He persisted. She said no thanks. He persisted. “I really want to do this for you,” he told her. Eventually, she relented. The basement needed finishing, and the guy was happy to do it, so why the hell not?

Shortly after he began the work (paint cans, tools, sheet rock all over the place), he started to call less frequently. He was suddenly busy on weekends. He would call on a Wednesday to get together and, if she already had plans, he would ask her to break them. She diagnosed him as a guy with a serious problem and realized he never planned to finish her basement (he’d started it six months earlier). She broke it off.

The paint cans and tools are still where he left them.

So, Women, beware guys who make all sorts of generous offers too early in a relationship. Also, beware boyfriends who want to rent space for their cars in your garage (“It’s a win-win! I get a place to store my Camaro, and you collect an extra $75 per month!”), or loving sons who entrust you with their late mother’s dresses.

Which brings us back to your situation:

This guy has a girlfriend, and you’ve moved on, but he refuses to take his stuff out of your house. This forces you to think about him, and to waste valuable time from your life fretting about your responsibility to his things. How obnoxious.

I’m not a lawyer (you might want to consult one), so I while I’d like to tell you to donate the dresses, I don’t know what this control freak is capable of doing to you if you do so. He’s on drugs, for one thing. Furthermore, he seems to have a good deal of money and probably the resources that go with it.

My best layperson’s advice is to text him (this way there’s a record on both ends of the transmission) telling him that you will place his mother’s dresses on his doorstep. Then wrap them lovingly to protect them from the elements. Enlist a friend (as a witness) to go along as you drive over on a fair day when you know he won’t be home.

Enjoy your hard-won freedom.

-Not Really Into This

Hi, Not Really-

Here’s one of the great secrets about regular — not sporadic – attendance in churches and temples (or bars, coffee shops, or anyplace where people congregate): People see you. They become curious about you. They ask questions. They make suggestions. Sometimes, they even become invested in your happiness.

A lot of marriages and romantic relationships begin this way. Either you catch an interesting guy’s eye, or you catch the eye of some guy’s mother, father, brother, cousin, etc., who insists you’d be perfect for him.

Sometimes this works out fabulously. A gorgeous wedding and a gloriously happy marriage results. The couple moves to a lovely house in the suburbs and produces kind and thoughtful children who improve society and prosper everyone they encounter.

Other times, it doesn’t work out (which is not to say it won’t work out the next time).

Also, in every walk of life people exist who believe it is their personal responsibility to eliminate singleness from the planet, no matter how content the single person currently in their sights may be.

The old man at temple means well. He sees an opportunity to eliminate two single people by bringing them together, but it seems to me you’ve done your part here. You didn’t tell him to buzz off. You didn’t tell him some lie about already having a boyfriend. You Googled the guy he recommended, and you didn’t like what you saw.

As far as your parents and friends telling you to give the guy a chance, you make an excellent point when you mention that he lives thousands of miles away. That kind of distance makes giving anything a chance extremely difficult.

Interested parties also say that the man’s political leanings won’t matter in marriage, but you know that’s not true, especially if he becomes increasingly fanatical. Anyway, his leanings already matter to you. You’re turned off by the fact that he follows leaders you consider scandalous. You probably wonder what this has to say about his judgement.

So here’s my advice: If the guy happens to show up at your temple, by all means, meet him for coffee in a public place. Until that happens, continue as you were. Enjoy your morning meditation. Enjoy everything else about your already full and happy life.