Hi Terry,
I hope you can help me on this because I’m so confused. I’m a girl with a good heart who puts her family first before myself, since a child. I was the non-fussiest kid you could ever meet.
My little brother on the other hand always beat me, when we were kids, ‘coz my parents used to compare him with me to be like me, ’coz I got good grades and I’m non-fussy. When I beat him back after tolerating a little, he would run crying and show me the bad guy there. My mother always, always fell for this, and let’s just say she never treated me the same way as she treated him. My brother and I don’t talk very much, ’coz all the time he tries to inflict some hurt on me, and he’s very very selfish and rude. My parents too know this on some level, but their love for him is so blind, they can forgive him in snap of a second and pour all their love, ‘coz he tries to make up with lot of sweet talk.
Once I grew up, I learnt to keep this aside, but due to recession, I’m living with them, and I can see, nothing’s changed. When it comes to my brother and me, I just don’t exist for them. They always put him way above me and actually trust him that he’s the nicest guy on earth. Otherwise they’re very nice and caring. My father is good to me, but when he gets irritated (which he often does ), he just talks in such a sarcastic way, it’s so off-putting. My mother on the other hand, feels hurt for every little thing my boyfriends say or do, for her, no man is perfect, she goes on to say, very negative things about men (which was hard for me to battle inside my head).
I met a man recently who introduced me to his parents, they’re a very close knit family, the siblings share a close bond. I feel good around them all.
The guy wants to meet my family (just hinted about it), and I’m afraid how I should handle this. Should I tell him about them? He’s eager to bond with my brother, and I’m so confused how to handle this. I know this guy for 3 months, and I’m comfortable talking anything with him, except this.
In the past, I just shared with an ex boyfriend that I had some differences with my brother and when we had a little argument, he went on to say that – I always have fights with everyone (hinting my brother ).
I’m afraid if he knows about how not so lucky I’m, regarding to the people I could not choose (like my family), when my guy and I argue in the future, he would say that to me too, and it would tear me to pieces. How should I handle this?
-Vulnerable
Hello, Vulnerable-
Whenever we start any kind of new friendship, we make ourselves vulnerable. We leave ourselves open to all sorts of rejection.
Most of us walk through life unwittingly allowing the pains and slights from childhood to “run” us. You’re a lucky woman because you know your history with your parents and brother causes problems in your other relationships. When you’re aware of obstacles to your happiness, you can overcome them.
Two suggestions: You might seek a good therapist to help you get over the feelings of invisibility, unworthiness, and “what’s the use” thinking that may have resulted from your childhood. (I’m not a therapist, just a person with a lot of opinions.) Or you might try a self-help therapy called Emotional Freedom Technique to help you overcome these feelings (I’ve used EFT with great success for several issues. You can download a free instructional ebook and other information about it by clicking here. No, I don’t make any money on it.)
Now, regarding the new fellow who wants to meet your family, I don’t think there’s any harm in telling him the truth, as in, “I love my family very much, but our relationship is not perfect. I’m a little shy about having you meet them right now. Besides, I’m really enjoying getting to know you.”
It’s too bad that the former boyfriend used the family situation against you, but if your family’s treatment of you has indeed instilled in you feelings of “less than,” it’s possible that you attract people who treat you as “less than.” That’s why it’s critical that you unearth and destroy feelings feelings of inferiority or unworthiness. We attract what we think we deserve.
On top of this, your mother’s negative attitude about men may have affected you on some level. If you internalize negative beliefs about men, you tend to attract men who mirror those beliefs. We always want to prove ourselves right. You might work with some affirmations that negate what she’s instilled in you; i.e., if she says, “All men lie,” you can use the affirmation, “I attract men who love me and tell the truth.”
Above all, work on developing the self-esteem that your family situation robbed from you. Please look into EFT (which offers fast results), or at the very least buy a paperback by Louise Hay, entitled You Can Heal Your Life.
When you love yourself (and like and value yourself) as you are meant to, you’ll notice that your brother won’t bother you so much anymore. You may even find yourself feeling sorry for him. You will also notice that you attract better things: Better friends, better bosses, and lovely treatment from men.
In the meantime, I’ll think good thoughts for you. Here’s hoping you find a wonderful job that gets you out of your parents’ house.
