Want to Meet New Men (But Online Dating Isn’t Cutting It)?

An attractive, smart, well-employed friend of mine hopes to get married. She’s turned to various dating sites to help her meet men.

Now, I personally know many people (my brother, for example) who met their future spouses online, but my friend is having the worst luck. She gets profiles with photos of men hidden under baseball caps or dressed to do an oil change. She’s received pictures from guys who couldn’t even bother to put on a shirt.

She’s not desperate, so she’s not going to date any of them, but she is frustrated.

And she’s not meeting potential dates at work, either, because it’s the same people in her office day in and day out.

What to do?

She’s a woman who makes friends easily, so my recommendation is for her to make more friends. She can do this by pursuing her passions (art, animals) and meeting people with the same interests.

This may sound too easy, but it works.

She may indeed meet the right man in the course of enjoying her passions, but more likely, she’ll meet his mother, sister, friend, or cousin who’ll introduce her to him.

If you’ve been with me a while, you know I know a woman who met her husband while visiting her father at the hospital. The future husband was on staff. They are now married and parents of a little boy.

I know another woman who met the man who became her husband at Thanksgiving dinner. Her brother invited his other siblings over and also asked a friend who was passing through town. He didn’t intend to fix anybody up, but fireworks ensued, anyway. His sister and his friend got married and had their second child in December.

Too many women blow opportunities to meet good men because they’re “on” only in certain situations: on dates, in bars, at parties, or online. They don’t expect to meet anyone new at a family event, a hospital, or at the supermarket, so they show up looking (and often behaving) less than their best.

Also, too many women — and men– make the mistake of setting a goal to meet “the one,” while allowing the interests that make them interesting to potential suitors fall by the wayside.

DON’T DO IT!

- If you like tennis, play tennis.

- If you like the opera, go to the opera.

- If you like to crochet, join a crochet circle (no, you probably won’t meet the man of your dreams there, but you may meet his grandmother).

- If you have to visit a friend in the hospital, look your best. You don’t know who you’ll meet there.

- If you like long walks on the beach, take long walks on the beach. Regularly. (I have a theory that if everybody who likes “long walks on the beach” actually took them, dating sites would go out of business.)

Wherever you go, smile. Make eye contact. Chat with the human standing behind you at the bank. Be approachable. Be attractive.

Your efforts will pay off. You will meet new people. Some of those people will know men they may want to fix up with a charming, kind individual like you.

When you meet those men, do not jump. Remember, you’re looking for the right man, not any man.

Give each one a chance but keep your standards high. When you’re meeting an abundance of men, you move squarely out of that “take what you can get” mindset. You’ll date better men, which will naturally lead to happier relationships.

(Is food a passion that sets you apart? Check out http://paper.li/twobitme/food.)

Stuff You Just Don’t Have to Do to Meet Good Men

Patti Stanger, American TV’s “Millionaire Matchmaker,” insists that women who want to find love must possess one thing:

Straight hair.

According to her, all her male clients ask for women with straight hair.

Now here’s the thing: I have curly hair. For much of my teenage life, I slept with pantyhose on my head before a party to straighten it. Later on, I abused it to frizzy oblivion with hair dryers and irons.

After all this, no boyfriend.

Eventually, I met a hairdresser who convinced me to let my hair “do what it wants to do.” In other words, it’s curly. Let it be curly.

So I did. And, strangely enough, I attracted my first real boyfriend.

My advice to you is, if your hair is straight or curly, stop fighting it. This will sound cliche, but it’s true:

There’s only one you for a reason. Be you.

If you’re hoping to meet men by squeezing yourself into some pre-defined idea of beauty, please stop. For every man who likes a dark-skinned woman, there’s another who likes one with freckles.

We’re brainwashed to think all men want a woman who resembles a tall model. Why does it shock us when a man prefers a full-figured woman?

So, please love and celebrate yourself.

Oh, and if you’re in the habit of going out to meet men in very low-cut blouses (I see this too much!), please stop. By all means, expose your throat (it communicates vulnerability), but squashed up cleavage screams, “I’m out to meet a man!”

And only the most undesirable men rise to that bait.

Can You Cast a Love Spell to Get a Man?

A reader wrote to ask me if it was true that some women use spells to get the men they desire to love them.

Yes, some women do. Years ago, someone gave me a book of love spells. I was head over heels for a guy, and I was so tempted to use it.

But I didn’t.

Even if the spell would work (and I’m sure many women would attest it would), the idea didn’t sit right with me.

Deep in my heart, I wanted that guy — however crazy I was about him — to love me of his own free will. If I had to “make” him love me, what was that love really worth?

On the other hand, I am a passionate proponent of using the Law of Attraction to attract the right man. If you’ve been with me a while, you know I advocate sitting down and writing down the qualities you want in a man (if you have trouble with this, start with the qualities you do not want and then jot down their opposites. We all know what we don’t want.).

This very practice will arouse the reticular activating system in your brain, alerting you to stimuli (in this case, men) that deserve your attention.

ALSO (VERY IMPORTANT!):

I strenuously recommend that you devote several minutes in the morning and at night to meditation. Close your eyes. Relax. Bring to mind, using your senses of touch, sight, taste, smell, and hearing, what it would feel like to be with a man who possesses the qualities you desire.

Where would you go? What would you do? Mentally rest your cheek on his shoulder. (Put on your favorite music to help your imagination take flight.)

Do this exercise faithfully for 30 days. See what happens and get back to me.

(Hint: You’re going to attract men. Better men.)

The Best Night to Meet Singles

The New York Times Magazine ran a fascinating article yesterday, entitled “Wednesday Night Is All Right For Loving.”

Its author, Nate Silver, teamed up with OkCupid, “a matchmaking site that takes a playful attitude toward the data it collects (like which camera takes the most successful profile photos).”

Silver wanted to know which days of the week are the best to meet someone at a bar. Based on OkCupid’s study, it’s Wednesday.

Caveat: The article mentioned that a percentage of singles listed casual sex as a “romantic priority.” If you’re looking for love and not sex, it makes sense to make sure that the cute guy chatting you up is on the same page.

(Hint: If his eyes are on your body more than your face, you might want to give him a pass. If he suggests “getting out of here,” you definitely want to pass. If he wants to see you in any other setting, tell him to give you a call. After he does, provide your own transportation and meet him in a public place.)

Speaking from experience, I know that Wednesday is a fine night to find true love. I met my husband in a bar (he doesn’t drink), and we had our first date on a Wednesday.

Tips:

-If you’re going to a bar, take a friend and enjoy her company. Don’t look like you’re casing the place for a live one.

-Not all bars are the same. You may be utterly uncomfortable in one (check the vibe) and perfectly at ease in another.

-Dress appropriately. If it’s a sports bar, dress casually. Avoid being the woman wearing too much jewelry, too low cut a shirt, too long nails (scary) at all costs.

-Breathe deeply, treat the bartender well, smile with your eyes. If someone with romantic potential talks to you, and you run out of things to say, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. When you come back, look the guy in the eye and say, “That story you told me about ________ was so interesting. Tell me more.”

Remember, you don’t have to be the most beautiful woman in the room to attract the attention of the opposite sex. You just have to be approachable and interested in other people.