When He Says He Doesn’t Want a Relationship

It happens.

You’re seeing a guy, and he’s given you every indication that he’s really, really into you. He stares directly into your eyes whenever you’re out together. He’s revealed a few secrets from his childhood. During the day, he sends flirtatious text messages.

You start to think this guy might be it. You’re gelling. He’s the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning. So, you ask him to a friend’s wedding/dinner with another couple/a family barbecue.

His response shocks you like a flat-iron falling into a bathtub:  “I don’t want a relationship.”

And, you think,  “Whaaaaaah?”

(Which is a reasonable response.)

Back home, you wonder what exactly you misunderstood. He certainly seemed to be into you. Maybe you were imagining things. No, you weren’t imagining things. You call a friend to reassure you that you weren’t imagining things.

She doesn’t let you down. “He said what?” she demands. “But I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I’ve heard the way he talks to you. I’ve heard the way he talks about you.”

And then your friend says what you’re hoping she’ll say: “He must be afraid of getting hurt. He likes you so much it’s freaking him out. Don’t worry; he’ll come around.”

But I’m going to tell you something else. I am going to tell you something that will save you many nights of lying awake plotting and scheming to get this man to understand that a) you are the one person he cannot live without, and b) you are not capable of ever hurting him.

When a man tells you he doesn’t want a relationship (no matter what he’s said or done to make you believe otherwise), you believe him.

Believe him!

And then you say, “I’m kind of surprised to hear that because I thought we had something. I liked you, and I thought you liked me.  Thanks for letting me know I had it wrong.” Smile (as genuinely as you can manage), shake the man’s hand, and get the hell out of the car/ restaurant/ bar with your back straight and your head high.

If you feel like crying, by all means go for it. But wait until you’re alone (or with a supportive friend). Then pat yourself on the back for walking away from a guy whose actions don’t match his words.

In the end, we all want a guy whose actions match his words.

This guy wasn’t it.

Whatever you do, please do not try to convince the guy that he does want a relationship, and he wants it with you. This is called begging, and it makes you look desperate and feel like a complete loser.  Why would you do that to yourself?

When a guy tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, take him at his word. Believe him. You’re much too good for the alternative.

How to Forget Him

A reader writes:

“… I don’t know HOW to forget him. I push thoughts of him out of my mind. But I dream about him at night, I wake up in a terrible mood. I tell myself that he was no good for me and that it wasn’t meant to be. I have been going out with other men, I have been expanding my social circle. I think its pathetic that I miss him BUT I DO. ICK.”

Please stop being so hard on yourself. Getting over someone you cared for or loved is no lap across the pool. I’ve been there, so I know.

Have you given yourself time to truly grieve the loss? After a particularly bad (and surprising) breakup, I found myself taking to bed straight after work for about an hour to let it truly sink in: It’s over. We’re done. We’ve hit a wall, and there’s no way around it.

It does help to let the pain sink in. Accept it. You know how it feels when you cut your finger? It stings horribly for a bit, and then it slowly starts to feel better. So, let this loss sting. (You may have to do this several times. I did.)

And, after you get out of bed, practice keeping him out of your mind, but be gentle with yourself. Whenever you find yourself struggling, remind yourself, “I can and will get over him.” Say, “I refuse to let someone have this much power over me.”

Whatever you do, don’t talk about him. If others bring him up, change the subject. Keep telling yourself that you’re moving on.

Other things that help: Getting rid of items that remind you of him. If there’s a specific food or smell that you can’t banish from your life but threatens to show up unbidden, you might surround yourself with that smell or eat that food until it loses its association.

Also, this may sound crazy, but you may want to rearrange the furniture in your house or apartment, so you can avoid thoughts like, “We were sitting right there when he…,” and “We were having dinner in that corner, and he made laugh so hard I….”

Even if the guy never once appeared in your home, moving the furniture can make a space seem new and help you progress emotionally (I’m not a psychologist, but this kind of thing tends to work for me).

If you’re ambitious, you might want to change the color of some rooms, and if you’ve been meaning to buy a new rug, this would be an excellent time to do it.

The goal is to put him in the past. Taking action will help you do it.

Again, be patient with yourself. Be kind. Falling in love is not for cowards. Give yourself credit for taking a chance. Know that in the end this experience will indeed make you stronger.

I hope this helps.