Hi Terry,
I’m very anxious that I’ll end up sabotaging my relationship because of insecurity. I’m dating someone and it seems promising. Not sure if this is “the one,” but it might be.
I have anxiety and fear that a younger, better-looking woman will snatch him up. My boyfriend is very cautious when it comes to long term commitment. We’re open about our issues and have talked and he’s assured me that he loves me, wants to be with me, and that he would never cheat. Like all men, I know he looks at attractive women. But I don’t think he does it any more than the average guy, but I still catch him looking when we’re out and about. He doesn’t stare blatantly, but I still catch him looking sometimes.
I don’t know why I keep feeling threatened by younger women. I’m slightly older than my boyfriend (we’re both in our thirties) and he assures me the slight age difference isn’t an issue.
But I keep thinking some younger, smarter, prettier woman will enter the picture and seduce him. I’m also afraid that he’s going to wake up one day and suddenly want to play the field, because he hasn’t had a lot of relationship experience. He’s a student and he’ll have an impressive degree in a couple of years. I knew guys that ended up making up for lost time in high school when the became successful or landed high paying jobs (like the stories of medical students who dumped their girlfriends for younger, better looking women when they finished medical school and stuff like that). My boyfriend isn’t the type, but I still feel insecure.
My ex had cheating tendencies (he was unfaithful with a woman older than me, though) and I left him. Also, I used to live in a very big “singles” city and I knew a lot of men my age and older who behaved like dogs. They only dated much younger women, they didn’t want to commit or settle down, or they were confirmed bachelors.
I know a lot of it is my insecurities, but I feel that part of it is him because even though he knows my goals are marriage and kids I’m not certain he’ll ever propose, though he says he wants those things too. We’ve fought about it and it seems like he might come around soon. But I’m not sure.
Even if he doesn’t work out with him, this problem may come back to haunt me. My self esteem is so low sometimes when I see younger, more attractive women. I really feel I can’t compete. And I haven’t attracted honorable men in the past. Part of me feels if he were” the one” I wouldn’t feel insecure. That maybe a man who wasn’t as cautious about waiting to commit would make me feel more reassured? I’m so sick of all the relationship pain I’ve been through all these years. I just want someone who will love me and adore me and want to spend the rest of his life with me.
This guy might be it, but if he is, he is not doing it in the way I would have wanted it to happen. He’s more cautious about these things and taking his time with them. Is it unrealistic to want someone who would move the ends of the earth to make things happen for the relationship?
Please advise.
-A.
Dear A.-
You hit the nail on the head: Your lack of self-esteem is the source of all your problems, and it will continue to cause problems whether you marry this man or not.
Let me try to reason with you. Looks and youth only go so far when it comes to relationships. I’ve personally known several supermodel types (male and female) who continually fail to achieve happy, lasting unions. And I’ve also known people who’ve come in at a 5 on a 10-point scale and enjoy happy marriages.
I know only one man who left his wife for a younger woman (and the men in our group laughed at him because, hey, what is this couple going to talk about? Justin Bieber?)
As for your boyfriend checking out other women, well, who doesn’t notice attractive people? They’re everywhere, and they’re hard to miss. I notice them.
But I don’t stare. I don’t mentally undress them with my eyes. So, if your boyfriend notices, big deal. If he’s ogling them and licking his lips, that’s another story. If he’s pulling a neck muscle trying to get a look over your shoulder, I’d say that’s another story, too.
With regard to men’s behavior, statistics vary.
If you read the tabloids, every man wants to leave his wife for a younger/better-looking woman. Again, I see very little evidence of this in my own life, and I don’t live in a shoebox.
Recently, I went to my grammar school reunion. Everybody who attended was still married to his or her first spouse.
And I just came back from a vacation where I saw many middle-aged women who’d submitted to face lifts and chemical injections, only to end up looking slightly off. I assure you they did not look younger, but they still managed to hold onto their middle-aged husbands.
On the other hand, one of the most touching moments I witnessed was a middle-aged guy photographing his attractive 50-ish wife — as if she were a supermodel — as our ship pulled into port at Santorini. Seriously. This guy went through a lot of pixels.
But, back to you. I can tell you all this, but you won’t believe me because you are deeply insecure, and you owe it to yourself to get that straightened out. Seek the help of a good professional. Check out some self-help books on the subject. Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life is a little airy-fairy for some people, but it’s an excellent start.
Make an investment in yourself.
The fact that your boyfriend takes commitment slowly and seriously is a good thing. Why aren’t you doing this? You shouldn’t be fighting about getting married. It diminishes you, and I’ll bet it feels horrible.
Besides, do you want to wake up two, four, ten years from now and wonder if the guy only married you because you twisted his arm?
Marriage and children will never cure your insecurity.
In the meantime, tell yourself that you alone are responsible for your happiness. Seek help, definitely, but remind yourself that we come into this world alone, and we leave it alone.
Do the things you’ve put on hold while you’ve been trying to steer this relationship toward marriage. Make yourself happy. Happy people are attractive. Unhappy people are not, and they tend to drive others away.
