Has He Got a Guy For Her! (Should She Dodge This Dicey Set-up?)

Hi Terry,

I’ve a dating confusion. I go to a temple (the funny thing is, I’m not religious at all). I go though ‘coz I like to meditate there, and it’s kinda peaceful! I also sing some songs there ‘coz I like singing.

Now, a noble old man sees me regularly there, comes up, asks me too much information about myself, like what I do, the names of my parents (he happens to know my father from when my father was a regular visitor to the temple), and if I’m single.

I said I’m single. After few weeks, he met my father and told him he has a guy in mind who’s religious like me (!!! ), and we would be a great match. I saw the guy’s pictures and he seems nice. He’s good looking, intelligent, and he’s good on paper.

The problem is the guy lives thousands of miles away, and so we can’t met often, unless our phone dates go well. I also Googled him and found out that he’s a tad too religious for me. He follows some scandalous religious gurus (there are lot of followers who follow them blindly even when their scandals are written all over the news). I did not even utter a word with him, but found his faithful following of the scandalous gurus distasteful.

My parents and friends ask me to talk to the guy to get to know him better and that one’s political and religious affiliations do not matter in marriage, if we get along well in other areas!

I’m confused. I respect and found your views logical and practical (by following them before), I’d be thankful if you could clear this confusion for me.

-Not Really Into This

Hi, Not Really-

Here’s one of the great secrets about regular — not sporadic – attendance in churches and temples (or bars, coffee shops, or anyplace where people congregate): People see you. They become curious about you. They ask questions. They make suggestions. Sometimes, they even become invested in your happiness.

A lot of marriages and romantic relationships begin this way. Either you catch an interesting guy’s eye, or you catch the eye of some guy’s mother, father, brother, cousin, etc., who insists you’d be perfect for him.

Sometimes this works out fabulously. A gorgeous wedding and a gloriously happy marriage results. The couple moves to a lovely house in the suburbs and produces kind and thoughtful children who improve society and prosper everyone they encounter.

Other times, it doesn’t work out (which is not to say it won’t work out the next time).

Also, in every walk of life people exist who believe it is their personal responsibility to eliminate singleness from the planet, no matter how content the single person currently in their sights may be.

The old man at temple means well. He sees an opportunity to eliminate two single people by bringing them together, but it seems to me you’ve done your part here. You didn’t tell him to buzz off. You didn’t tell him some lie about already having a boyfriend. You Googled the guy he recommended, and you didn’t like what you saw.

As far as your parents and friends telling you to give the guy a chance, you make an excellent point when you mention that he lives thousands of miles away. That kind of distance makes giving anything a chance extremely difficult.

Interested parties also say that the man’s political leanings won’t matter in marriage, but you know that’s not true, especially if he becomes increasingly fanatical. Anyway, his leanings already matter to you. You’re turned off by the fact that he follows leaders you consider scandalous. You probably wonder what this has to say about his judgement.

So here’s my advice: If the guy happens to show up at your temple, by all means, meet him for coffee in a public place. Until that happens, continue as you were. Enjoy your morning meditation. Enjoy everything else about your already full and happy life.

How “Proactive” Should She Be About a Guy Who Fell Off Her Dating Radar

Hi Terry!

Wondering if I might get your advice on this one…how proactive should I be towards a guy who fell off the dating radar and just recently called me, asking if I’d be open to seeing him sometime and requesting I “don’t be a stranger”. My response – “Don’t you either” to which he promised he won’t. Thanks, Terry, your advice is always so spot on.

-Back On His Radar

Hi, Back On-

When you say he fell off the radar, I take it to mean he disappeared. So, if he’s reappeared, it’s his responsibility to make you know he’s serious about seeing you again. You already told him you’re willing to see him. That’s enough.

In this case, my motto would be, “If he wants to go out with me, it’s up to him to make it happen.” If he calls, go out with him, be interested (and your usual charming self), but leave it up to him to make the effort to put you and him in the same room together.

Remember: He fell off your radar; you didn’t fall off his. Let him prove he’s worth your time.

Thanks for the kind words!

Terry

How to Turn a Man Off Instantly (Or What Your Date Probably Doesn’t Have In Common With Arnold Schwarzenegger)…

You’d might be surprised how many guys complain about women who commit the following dating crimes (and refuse to see them again).

Crime One:

Man meets woman. First thing she does is take her phone out of her bag and plunk it on the table. She’s supposed to be talking or listening to him, but her eyes keep flitting to that dumb phone.

Crime Two:

She shows up with a major chip on her shoulder. She’s thinking, “I want to make sure you’re not going to burn me, so I am going to assault you with a series of overly personal questions.”

She hits him with:

- Why haven’t you ever been married? You must have commitment issues.

- Are you sure you’re not gay?

- (If he’s been married) Who caused the divorce? Did you cheat on your wife?

And so on…

Look, if you’re alive, you’ve been hurt. And the guy has been, too, but don’t you dislike it when you meet a man for the first time, and he brings all his weird relationship baggage to the table?

We’ve all been hurt.

And recent reports of repellent and ultimately very sad behavior of celebrities like Arnold Schwarzenegger don’t exactly inspire our trust in men.

(Take heart: The New York Times ran a piece this weekend debunking the myth that powerful men are prone to cheating and other negative behavior, maintaining that such men had those tendencies before they came powerful. Good to know.)

But the guy you’re meeting tonight is not Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s a unique individual, and you owe it to him to get to know him. Keep your eyes and ears open.

Listen. Watch.

It’s true that people show you who they are, so let him show you who he is.

Approach every first date with a “let’s see what happens” attitude. Tell yourself, this guy will probably not be “the guy,” but I am going to have a good time anyway. Approach the date as if you are merely meeting a friend.

In other words, take the pressure off. (If you’ve been meeting men with the “this might be the guy I marry” attitude, you are putting way too much pressure on yourself — and on him!)

Before you leave the house, bring to mind all the lovely things you have to offer. Meet the guy with poise and self-love. Then, sit back and let him show you who he is.

Is he playing a game with her?

Hi Terry-

I love your book and love getting your regular emails. The advice you give is so real with no holes barred. Many relationship experts go on an on with a whole lot of psychological babble. I like the way you tell it like it is. I wonder can you give me some advice on this scenario:

I am separated about 2 1/2 years now. Shortly after I separated I met a doctor, randomly, one night in a bar and we hit it off. We started seeing each other regularly and he was very attentive, calling me up all the time, asking me out etc. He did all the chasing and I started to fall for him. About 3 months into our relationship he told me that his ex girlfriend had returned from Germany and would be working with him at the hospital he works at. I asked him did he want something to happen between them. He said he wasn’t sure if anything would happen but wanted to be upfront with me as he didn’t want me to get hurt. Anyway, to cut a long story short I ended things with him as I didn’t want to become like a Third Party standing on the side lines. That was in June 2009.

Since then, he sent me the odd text and we spoke on the phone a couple of times. Several times he ended the call saying “I’ll give you a shout” and then I wouldn’t hear from him for months. I bumped into one night in town in November 09 and we ended up going for drinks together and he asked me out for dinner. We went to dinner in December and had a great night out and then I never heard from his again (only got a poxy Happy Xmas text on Christmas Eve). At that stage I was seeing someone else so it didn’t bother me.

I’ve been single again for 6 months and about a month ago I sent him a text to see how he was. He rang me straight away and sounded really happy to hear from me and asked me to meet him for dinner. So, on the 1st Octoer we went for dinner and drinks in town and had a super night, great fun, lots of flirting and smooching. He was heading to Peru for two weeks on holidays the following day but said he would call me when he got back. I went on a family holiday to LA with my kids on 21 October so he never got in contact before I went away. Also, when I was away in the States (I’m from Ireland) my phone didnt work for the whole time I was away so I didnt know whether he tried to make contact or not.

Again, to cut a long story short…..here’s my dilemma. I sent him a text the day after I got back and said that I was back from LA and if he tried to make contact my phone wasn’t working in the States. He called me straight back (as he always does) and we chatted about both our holidays but he never mentioned whether he had tried to make contact or not and I never directly asked him either.

Anyway, he asked me to meet up with him again and we arranged for this Saturday coming. He was headed to Portugal for a week’s golfing and I said that I would book a restaurant seeing as he would be away. That was a week ago and he is due back this Saturday and our date is for Saturday night, however, he has not made any contact since. He has not even text me to see where we are meeting up on Saturday. I reckon that he won’t be in touch until his flight lands on Saturday afternoon and we’re supposed to be going out that night. This whole thing just doesnt feel good to me anymore. Its feels like he is playing a game with me and wants to see how far I will chase him. Should I send him a text to tell him where I’ve booked for dinner out of courtesy or should I wait until he does it even if its late Saturday afternoon.

I feel that if he was really interested in me he would have been in touch before now and it’s a total lack of respect for me if he doesnt make contact before Saturday. My gut instinct is to cancel the dinner reservation if he doesnt make contact before Saturday. He doesn’t deserve to see me if he is not going to make even one small gesture. Am I overreacting and expecting too much too soon?

What would you do?

If you have the time to give me any insight at all it would be great. Thanks so much. Your emails and book have been a great source of inspiration for me.

Kind regards

-Wondering in Dublin

Dear Wondering:

You write, “This whole thing just doesn’t feel good to me anymore.”

Trust your instincts. There’s no need to text this guy or initiate any sort of communication. He’s not working very hard to see you (although he may truly like you), and who needs that?

You want a guy who makes it plain that he cares at least enough about you as you care about him.

It’s sticky when you feel this all this mutual attraction with somebody, and then they inexplicably don’t follow through. It’s easy to tell yourself you’re not being patient or, worse, that you’re overreacting.

But, look at it this way: What if you met a woman at a book signing, and you hit it off? You became instant friends. You went out for lunch, had a great time, and found you had even more things in common. She seemed to be as interested in this new friendship as you did.

You agreed to get together the following week and see a show. She said she’d call. She didn’t.

Would you think you were being less than patient when she didn’t call? Wouldn’t you have worried that you were overreacting?

I don’t think so.

What I’d think in that situation (because it has happened, you know) is that she was one of those people who makes a great first or second impression but is ultimately probably not worth my time — unless she proved otherwise — by apologizing, by keeping her word from then on, etc.

In other words, don’t accept behavior from a man that you wouldn’t accept from a woman.

If he does happen to come around, great. But let him come around and be very slow to accept another offer from him. Make him prove to you he’s even worth your time.

In the meantime, keep busy, have fun, and see other people. This is your life we’re talking about.

Free Resources on Dating and Relationships

I was psyched to discover that Relationship Talk included DA(A)D on its list of A Dozen Blogs That Will Save Your Relationship.

In case you’re not familiar with Relationship Talk, it offers get-real dating advice from guys and girls who’ve been in the trenches. As someone who once wrote an article about how cellphone technology can kill a romance, I didn’t think the author of the post,  Win Back Your Ex — The Texts of DEATH! overstated anything.

Check it out.

Should you play hard to get?

You want him. You really want him. You’re wondering how you should play it: Available or hard to get?

And then, you may say to yourself, “Hey, if I play hard to get, when can I stop? And when I do stop, will he miss the chase and drop me?”

It’s an excellent question.

Some men (some women, too) love the chase. They don’t want a relationship; they want drama. They want excitement. They thrive on it.

One way not to attract chase junkies is not to play hard to get. Be friendly, be honest, be yourself.

But…

If you’ve had a history of dating guys who don’t show up, or say they’ll call at a certain time and don’t, you may be (rightly) sick of playing doormat.

You want a guy who’s going to do what he said he’s going to do. Ultimately, you want a guy who’s going to be there for you.

So…

In the initial stage of the relationship, do be friendly. Do be available.

If you like a guy, and he says he’ll call you Tuesday and doesn’t get around to it until Thursday, you can say, “I thought you said we’d talk on Tuesday.”

Wait for response.

He’ll probably apologize and perhaps ask to get together later in the week. At this point, you might want to not be available for him. You might give him another chance by saying, “I’m sorry I can’t do it then, but if you call me ___________ morning, I’ll know what my week looks like. I’d love to get together.”

When you do this, you’re being available but not too available. You’ve also indicated:

a) that you do like him, but he blew his chance to see you this week by not calling when he promised

and

b) that you have a full and happy life and are not waiting around to take some guy’s call.

But isn’t this playing hard to get?

No, because you’re not playing. You’ve been honest. You’ve also set a boundary and let him know that your time is valuable. You are not one of those girls he can call up any old time and be accommodated (those poor women tend not to attract happy relationships, if they attract any at all).

You have set yourself apart.

Now, what happens if the guy doesn’t call again, as he promised? Well, my friend, you’ve saved yourself a lot of time. He’s shown you that he doesn’t value you, your time, or your feelings. He has done you a favor.

But, as a dating coaching client of mine discovered this week, very often the opposite happens: The guy does call. He does ask you out again. He says, “This girl is definitely not desperate.”

So, set yourself apart. It’s very attractive.