Texting Is the Laziest Form of Courtship

Did you see Saturday Night Live the other night?

There was a particularly funny skit where football star Eli Manning played a guy who — it’s revealed — texted a whole lot of women in search of a quick date. I mention it because too many girls and grown women get excited when a man texts them.

Texting is the laziest form of courtship.

When a man texts you, don’t get caught up in a lot of back and forth electronic conversation. If he doesn’t ask to meet you eye-to-eye, he’s probably not very serious. And if he tells you he wants to meet eye-to-eye, but he’s always too busy, he’s probably not very serious. Unless, of course, he’s on call in the ER or being shipped out to Afghanistan.

(If you’re a guy reading this, know that certain women play games via text, as well. Some people — the ones who initially seem charming but will inevitably make you miserable — love to gratify their egos by sending the same text to numerous unwitting recipients to see how many fish will bite.)

If you’re smart, when a man texts, don’t get too excited. Respond. See what happens next. Let a man show you what his intentions are (actions always do. Words not so much).

Raise your standards. Keep it to yourself, but promise yourself that only men who make time to make consistent eye contact will be taken into consideration.

Once you raise those standards, better men will show up — and stay. Remember what Somerset Maugham said:

“It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.”

Before I go, I want to remind you:  If you haven’t signed up for the free Tapping Summit, you can still get the recording of the first night’s call by going to this link. I especially recommend you sign up if you suspect you’re sabotaging your love life, weight loss efforts, or your ability to achieve success. You’ll learn a quick, painless, effective method to break through the chains that bind you.

I’m not being hyperbolic. I have personally used this method, and I swear by it.  Check it out.

Day 7 of the Summit may be of special interest. It will tell you how to:

- Find Peace with Bad Breakups; Let Go of Old Relationships
(because you can’t fall in love with the right guy when
you’re hung up on the wrong guy)

and

- Manifest Your Soul Mate

Go for it.

Does He Want Her For Her Voice (Or Something Else)?

Dear Terry,

I got your newsletters and loved reading them all. I’ve a question.

I sing at a local singing club. I see this great guy who’s staring at me a lot when he sang, and his voice is so damn sweet and he’s a pro, so he sang like one. I returned his interest by looking back. I approached him and told him how awesome he was.There was a long list of fans waiting to tell him the same personally off-stage, so I left. I’m very attracted to him.

I don’t see him again for the next 3 months. In these 3 months, I started to sing regularly at the club and improved a lot on my singing skills. One day he shows up. He said, “I was a bit hesitant to ask your number a few minutes ago, so I didn’t, and I don’t know if I could show up next week. I’m really looking for a voice like yours in my troupe.” I was hesitant and I said, I may not fit in such a famous troupe in the city. He gave me advice and asked for my number. I didn’t feel comfortable, so he gave his number and said to call him for the training session. He also told me, he’s 40 and has a 20 yr old daughter. I’m 28.

I analyzed the situation like this. I’m feeling pretty low, and I met him then. So he must be an awful person! (I ended up with boyfriends or met awful people when I felt low). I’m attracted to him, so it might not be a good idea to see him often even if it’s for singing, ‘coz he’s married. I also thought just ‘coz he has talent, I needn’t use this wonderful opportunity to pursue my passion ie singing by risking my emotions and also my intuition.

So I didn’t call him for 10 days. Then I hear him perform at a park as I pass by, the crowds cheering. He hasn’t tried to reach me. He probably is just excited to have me in his troupe. I indeed have a great voice and female singers in his troupe weren’t really as good as me.

I still remind myself that I’m attracted to him a little bit, and that I met him when I felt very low. I was still feeling low, so I didn’t call him for a week more. So I called him after more than 2 weeks. He was happy to hear from me, he asked me why I didn’t call earlier, I made some lame excuse that I almost lost his number and found it then.

He was busy that week, so probably after a week we agreed to get together. Next week, he calls me and tells me he’s showing up at our singing club again (he’s not regular there), and he also mentions he’s coming there just to hear me sing! He doesn’t initiate any talk this time. He’s distant. I start to think- maybe he’s trying to get me in his troupe. This is definitely it. I just over-analyzed the whole situation just ‘coz he followed me for a couple of blocks to ask my number. My friends too told me, I’m overreacting and should consider joining his troupe and learn more singing from him.

So I make some small talk with him. Being the fun girl that I am, I laughed 2-3 times in that conversation. Our talk made me feel very special and nice that day, except when he said I looked good in the dress! (I didn’t know how to react. Maybe it’s inappropriate for a married man to compliment a single woman that way?)

We meet the next day at his home! I meet his family. He flirts with me a little, like I was struggling to get some notes right, and it’s taking me too long. I said sorry and thanked him for his patience. He says – if you like someone, it won’t feel tough to be patient ! He also tells me casually how my gait looks confident and pleasant. He mentions lot of times about how voice is sweet. My body language without my knowledge is displaying all flirting signals. I unknowingly mirror him and he’s mirroring me, we both lean very forward towards each other when we sing, until his 15-year-old son enters the room and his body language is closed now.

We also smile a lot and look at each other a lot, enjoying the song when we sing. The next day, he’s out of town and will be home late in the night. So we agree to meet later.

He calls me up after he reached home that night (when he’s out of town ) and says this – sorry to call you now (it’s 9 pm ), I just couldn’t stop myself from calling you ‘coz I felt like talking to you. I really enjoyed our time together, mainly when you laugh, it makes me feel so happy. I wish you always remain that way, and asks me to sing a song over phone. I refuse and at some point in our talk, I tell him how much I was afraid when he followed me. He says, yeah it was a slow move. I should have asked you in the club itself, but I was slow, but just didn’t want to lose the opportunity of having you in my troupe. I started to feel pretty uncomfortable and told him that I’m surprised that he called now to just talk and that I’m not expecting this from him – he diverts the topic ( ‘coz he’s embarrassed? ). He stays calm, collects himself and within next few minutes, says good night.

I did not see him for the next 2 days,’ coz I fell sick. He’s out of town tomorrow too, but we agreed to meet the next day. (I’ve to return his CD’s anyway). He did not make any calls. I just called and told him, I’m sick so will take some time off before I could see him.We agreed to meet tomorrow.

I’m now thinking along these lines -

1) It looks like he’s attracted to me and loves my company

2) I’m NOT attracted to him anymore after I meet his kids and wife ( I just can’t even imagine romance with him ‘coz I’ve great moral values).

3) Knowing he’s not able to stop himself from making a call at 9 pm to talk and hear my voice – just after talking for 2 times – doesn’t sound good.

4) He doesn’t seem a good person, ‘coz of point 3.

5) I want nothing to do with a married man.

6) I’ll really miss having a great mentor and the great time I had learning from him and being part of a good troupe, just ‘coz of this situation, but I got to deal with it.

But my best friend says, I’m just over analyzing. She tells me -

1) Though I didn’t talk flirty,my body language was flirtatious last time when we met.

2) I can seriously change that consciously and men will react accordingly.

3) He hasn’t said anything wrong. He just likes my voice and singing and talking to me. No big deal. He just called me once out of the blue to talk, but I told him I’m not expecting itm and he didn’t repeat it – which means he’s decent. He just made one stupid mistake!

4) I’ve nothing to worry about – I just could go meet him for singing and be part of the troupe.

5) If there’s no interest from my side – he most likely won’t push me, and it’ll remain strictly professional relationship.

6) I perhaps took his compliments as flirting. Some married men are free in giving compliments.

7) I shouldn’t lose a great opportunity.

8) He asked to meet me in his home when his family is present – men who want to cheat (even emotionally) will never do that, so he may be a good person.

I’m tired analyzing this Terry. Am I over thinking? Should I go meet him few more times and see or just end it now? I don’t know. We agreed to meet day after and I don’t know if I should end it then or continue it.If I end it, should I tell him why I’m because he’ll most likely ask. Should I tell him, I didn’t like his calling me, and I’m feeling uncomfortable with his compliments.

When I picture him, I picture his whole family now.I also like him a lot, but not that way anymore. I just like him a lot as a singer and for his voice. I don’t know if I’d be causing confusion and hurt in his marital life or in my life, if I prolong this situation.

Please help me!

-Analyzing

Hello, Analyzing-

Thanks for the kind words.

I’ve cut your letter down a bit and read it a couple of times. I’m on the fence about this guy’s intentions due to the phone call.

However, I’m inclined to agree with your friends. Since you’re no longer attracted to this guy, and you have no intention in getting involved with a married man, there may not be a problem.

Just don’t be alone with him. (If it comes up, be clear: “We’re working together. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.” His reaction to this statement will tell you everything you need to know.)

Keep your goal in mind: A singing career.

Maybe this guy can help you. Maybe he can’t. But it’s possible he’s just being friendly to a talented woman he’d like to make part of his singing group:

He met you at home and introduced you to his family.

Yes, he complimented the way you looked in your dress. He likes the way you stand and walk. Looking good and moving easily are qualities one needs to be successful on stage.

If I were you, I’d pursue this opportunity. Stop analyzing things. If the man tries to kiss you, convince you to go to a hotel, or get you alone (not in a public place, in other words), then by all means, tell him to take a hike.

(The 9:00 phone does strike me as sketchy.)

Some married men are dishonorable. Some married men are honorable. Since this guy’s livelihood depends on finding talent, let’s assume he’s honorable unless he shows himself to be otherwise.

The bottom line: Learn what you can from him. Until you’re sure his intentions are good, do not be alone with him.

(This advice goes for all men, not just singers and other musicians.)

Are You Playing Hard to Get — Or Just Freezing Him Out?

In dating, we all want a prize.

For example, a friend introduces you to a “great guy.” Is he more intriguing if:

a) he’s friendly and leaves you thinking he might be interested in you?

OR

b) if he automatically starts texting you three times day, leaving messages on your machine, etc?

Most women would find the first guy more attractive. Why? Because he seemed interested. However, he’s letting her wonder: Maybe he was just being nice. Maybe she imagined things. Maybe he won’t call. She hopes he’ll call! And so on.

He’s got her thinking about him. From his perspective, this is a very good thing indeed.

The same principal holds true with guys. Often, they meet a perfectly attractive woman. They’re interested. They exchange numbers. But she blows it by being “in his face” all the time: texting, phoning, and so on.

Even worse, though, is the woman who’s interested but refuses to show it. She thinks playing it cold is playing hard to get. Problem is, she doesn’t get.

Often, this behavior results from shyness or insecurity. Who wants to be rejected, right?

But it’s key to be friendly, interested, and make eye contact when you meet a good Mr. Possibility. Use the man’s name often. Smile.

This way, you leave him with the impression that you like him. Your next step? Let him contact you.

Don’t call. Don’t text. Resume your full and happy life. Allow your encounter to “marinate” in his imagination. If he returns your interest, he’ll call you.

Seriously, if you’ve developed a pattern of working too hard in your relationships, letting a guy make contact is a good start to breaking it.

A man’s arm won’t break if you let him reach for you. Besides, you’re worth it.

Reading his mixed signals

Hi Terry,

I have been a fan for a while even though I haven’t officially been dating. Now I’m just in a mess and would love some feedback. I have a situation where I’ve known a guy for a few years, but for part of that time he’s been out of the country. Recently, he came back and we went out together, and I swear I got into my car to leave completely unsure as to what went on.

I have been attracted to him since before he left and we’ve kept in touch largely via email or instant message chatting. I had told him not long after he left that I was attracted to him, and he said he didn’t feel the same way, so I said okay and prepared to put him in friend zone.

On this ‘un-date’ we were just to meet up for drinks. I thought it was pretty clear that it was just about friendship because when I made the plans with him I told him I was looking forward to hearing about his trip. The word date was never mentioned.

Immediately he walks in and asks me if I’m hungry and would I like to eat. Well I hadn’t planned on it but was willing to ‘follow his lead;’ that was the advice I had on meeting him from everyone around me.

Conversation was good, when the food came he shared his portion with me adding food from his plate to mine, seemed positive and possible he had an interest in me as well. I’d thought that before he left but was never really sure. Despite him saying he didn’t feel the same way, there were times his actions didn’t quite match that. All was great until he asked me about a mutual friend.

I told him it was a bad subject and asked not to discuss it. He continued to ask but not in a negative way I believe he was truly interested. So I told him that this friend of ours had kissed me, and it was inappropriate because I wasn’t interested in him and he knew that.

Well, my guy before this had been heartily eating, he dropped his fork, looked me in the eye and said “He KISSED you?” and I was thrown off balance, I admit. I was treating him like any friend, so I kept talking about it (yes, now I know I was wrong to do that…I think? that’s why I’m writing you!), and he followed up with another question, and it seemed to me like he hadn’t heard a word I said, when he asked “Was it a REAL kiss?” now I got uncomfortable. I really wanted to say something sarcastic but I didn’t. I instead simply said yes.

After that almost everything tanked. Every next attempt at conversation he would make a joke (a bad one) or fumble through like he had ADHD or something. I got dizzy trying to follow him!

When we left, he practically brushed past me at the door without stopping to hold it open for me and raced down the pavement and was in his car and off the parking lot before I’d even put the key in my ignition.

Totally uncharacteristic of him. He’s always held the door for me and every other female I’ve seen him around in the past. The whole second half of the evening in fact was out of character for him!

I was left thinking that one of three things had happened:

1. The idea of another man kissing me grossed him out and caused him to act like a 2-year-old.

2, The idea of another man kissing me made him jealous and caused him to act like a 2-year-old.

3. He was upset about the kissing because he wanted to kiss the other guy and that caused him to act like a 2-year-old.

Subsequently, we’ve spoken, I made a decision not to bring up his weird behavior because I have no idea what to say! His body language had all been positive towards me, mirroring me, pupil dilation while looking at me and all. I really don’t understand him. When we talk now, he’s nice, polite, charming and complimentary. We just spent about 2 hours on the phone last week in fact which was pleasant and filled with laughing and teasing.

He has not said one word to me since then, and I have refused to initiate contact. I’m at a loss. I am very attracted to him. I don’t want to re-open the I’m attracted to you conversation since he pretty much closed that already. I’m just trying to figure out if maybe I SHOULD revisit it. I am as my name states just plain confused by him.

I thank you in advance and wish you continued success and will be staying tuned!

-Confused

Dear Confused-

Thanks for the very kind words.

You hit the nail on the head when you described this guy’s behavior after you mentioned the kiss as appropriate for a two-year-old.

And your instinct not to initiate contact with him is right on, as well.

Look, he told you he wasn’t attracted to you. If that’s changed (and it certainly may have), it is his responsibility to make that clear.

Now, it’s entirely possible that he’s not sure he’s attracted to you, or he is attracted to you but unsure he wants the hassle of a relationship, or maybe he is gay. Whatever. This is not your problem.

Do you understand me? It’s not your problem.

You’re attracted to him. I get it. When we’re attracted to somebody, we want him to be attracted to us. Of course. We look for evidence of it in the size of his pupils and the position of his feet. We want to believe that because he put our food on a plate it means he wants to take care of us.

But, while you’re looking for proof that he didn’t mean what he said, you could be missing perfectly good opportunities to date men who don’t say they want to be friends, and then email and IM you, ask you out and act strangely, and then suck another precious two hours out of your life on the phone.

(Please: Promise me you’ll submit to not one more lengthy phone conversation with any man you’re unsure about. Life is short. You can’t ever get that time back.)

Again, if it did occur to him that he’s attracted to you, it’s not your job to figure it out. It is his duty to let you know it. Look, when a man is hungry, he makes himself a sandwich. When he’s cold, he puts on a jacket. When he’s interested in a woman, he makes that interest known, lest she fall for someone else who actually knows what he wants and goes for it.

Seriously, how much mental energy do you want to waste on this wishy-washy person? Let him figure out what he wants. Let him take appropriate action.

Continue not to initiate contact, but if he calls you again, keep the conversation brief. Also, feel free to ask him about his weird behavior in the restaurant. I would. Say something casual like, “By the way, what was up with the sudden departure from the table the last time I saw you? Was it something I said?”

Then wait for the answer.

If he asks you out again, and he starts acting weird, by all means inquire, “Why are you acting like that? We were having a perfectly pleasant conversation.” Then close your mouth and wait for an answer.

One more thing: When I said that wasting time thinking about a guy’s behavior can distract you from meeting better men, I meant it. Here’s a little example to help you understand: This morning, I drove into the post office parking lot, convinced there couldn’t possibly be a spot for me. Sure enough, I drove past not one but two spots because I didn’t see them.

I didn’t see them because I had convinced myself they weren’t there. The same thing happens with men. We act on one weird belief (I’m attracted to THIS guy, and no other guy can do it for me; or, all guys are cheaters or liars or porn freaks or secretly gay) that we don’t even recognize the right guy when he shows up.

Stop thinking about this individual. Stop wondering about his motives and feelings. Keep your conversations fun but short until he becomes man enough to be crystal clear about what he wants.