Text Messaging and Dating. How Not to Get Burned

Text messaging can be a problem. It allows people to seem like they’re really, really into you when they’re just not that into you.

Case in point, the guy who texts multiple recipients, “Hey, miss you…Want to get together tonight?”and then sits back and sees which women respond. And then decides who he will grace with his company (Rejects get a lame follow-up message like, “Sorry, Baby, something came up… .”)

And that’s one reason text messaging needs to be kept to a minimum in dating. Sure, it’s great for telling a guy you’re running late, or for him to let you know he’s made the reservation, but it does not — and cannot — substitute for eye-to-eye conversation.

EVEN WORSE…

The absolute worst way a person can use text messaging is to break up. It’s tacky. It’s cowardly. It’s slimy. But there are men (and women) between the ages of 14 and 65 who do it.

If a man breaks up with you via text, know that he has revealed himself to be a person of low character. Better to have that information sooner than later. Still, a break-up hurts, especially by text and even more if you were really starting to like the guy.

HERE’S HOW YOU HANDLE IT

It helps to get over a person by re-framing him in your mind. So, if “Bob” once seemed like Prince Charming and his plain-sounding name started rolling around your mouth like an award-winning Zinfandel, it’s time to call a spade a spade.

Pick out Bob’s least appealing quality (cheapness, lateness, nose hair, etc.) and change his name in your contact list from “Bob” to a genius nickname that sums him up:

Cheap Boy
Tardy Fool,
Jungle Nostril
and so on.

Or, conjure up an unfortunate memory of Bob, perhaps at a diner breakfast where he aired his political views with an errant blog of scrambled egg in his mustache:

Egg Lip

From now on, every time you run through your contact list, you will be reminded — not of Knight in Shining Armor Bob — but of Egg Lip.

You will soon find yourself thinking of Bob as Egg Lip, and nobody wants to date Egg Lip.

Nobody.

(To quickly get over Bob, this can work even better than eliminating his name from your contact list altogether. BONUS: If the clown ever contacts you again, his name will come up as Egg Lip, which might even provide you with a well-deserved laugh.)

Remember, relationships are built eye-to-eye, not via text message. If a guy is consistently too busy to see you, he’s too busy. He’s not the right man for you.

The right man will make an effort. Let him make that effort.

You’re worth it.

Jackass On the Loose

Hi, Terry-

You helped me before, and I just wanted to tell you what has finally happened with the man who was celibate. I did tell him that I would go look at houses with him, but when I told him that I wouldn’t make the appointments to view the houses, and told him that I had to protect my heart because I was falling for him, he totally flipped out on me.

He said that I obviously had ulterior motives this entire time because I was just doing stuff I guess because I liked him, and he of course was just doing stuff because HE’s just a good person I guess. He then proceeded to tell me that he thought that I liked doing stuff like that (making appointments) because I said that I liked going house hunting.

He then proceeded to tell me that we shouldn’t talk or email anymore, and called me emotional and said that basically he was just going to forget me after this last conversation. I was absolutely floored, and told him he was a pompous jerk, and I didn’t need to keep in touch with him either. HOW WEIRD IS THAT?

I mean what do guys do when they DO like you, if he never liked me at all. I have never been so blindsided in my life. He was so rude to me, and told me that he was just a direct and passionate person and that can come across as rude.

What do you think happens in a man’s mind to make him think that doing something for him because you like him means that you had ‘ulterior’ motives? Funny though, 10 minutes into that last conversation we had all feelings for him had dropped. I am hurt that apparently he never thought of me as a sincere friend because it would take a lot more than that for me to stop talking to my TRUE friends. Thank you for telling me to protect my heart.

Had I not started to do that, I would be a freaking mess.

-I See the Light!

Dear Light:

Congratulations on bouncing this Bozo from your life.

When he assigned you to make his appointments, did he mistake you for his secretary? Seriously, what a clown. I guess I don’t have to tell you how lucky you are to be rid of him, so I’ll tell you I’m delighted you’re rid of him.

The accusation that you had ulterior motives is so over the top it borders on paranoid. You liked the guy. He’s lucky anybody likes him and is willing to admit it. You didn’t want to get hurt. Since this self-important dope didn’t return your feelings (again, lucky you), the correct response would have been, “I really like being your friend, but I don’t want anything more than that.”

Which would have given you the chance to mourn the rejection and move on (because we all get rejected at one point or another, and the smarter ones among us indeed move on from it).

You ask: “I mean what do guys do when they DO like you?”

Here’s what they do: They let you know it. They tell you. They show it. They don’t want to risk losing you to somebody else, so they make themselves known. They do not speak in code.

If they’re trying to impress you, they don’t ask you to do things for them (like pick up their cleaning or make appointments) because it’s jerky. On the contrary, they will want to do things for you. And if you like them, you let them.

(Of course, as a relationship deepens, you will do things for him. He will continue to do things for you. It’s called considering the needs and wants of the person you love and proceeding accordingly.)

Please resist the temptation to think men are a different species from women. Yeah, there’s masculine and there’s feminine (and thank God for it), but ultimately we are human beings. Most human beings want to love and be loved. The best way to assess a guy’s behavior is to, once again, see if the words match the actions.

Also (and very important), use the Golden Rule in reverse: Is he treating you the way you would treat him? In other words, would you have treated this clown the way he treated you? I somehow doubt it, and that makes his treatment of you unacceptable (and renders him undesirable).

Furthermore, I love these people who go all godly, brag about being saved and celibate, and then go around treating other people like crap. I go to church quite a bit, and let me tell you, you’ll find plenty of good people there, but you’re also very likely to run into several self-centered opportunists who make an art of gaining the trust of vulnerable people — and then misusing it.

The guy you describe is not worthy of your time or your friendship. I know you know it, but I’m compelled to scream it from the rooftop.

Oh, and here’s a tip: When the next guy comes along and requests that he escort you to your sister’s wedding a year from now — while he currently “enjoys just being single and hanging with his friends” — tell him you’ll surely have met someone else by then who just happens not to be a presumptuous jackass.

How to Forget Him

A reader writes:

“… I don’t know HOW to forget him. I push thoughts of him out of my mind. But I dream about him at night, I wake up in a terrible mood. I tell myself that he was no good for me and that it wasn’t meant to be. I have been going out with other men, I have been expanding my social circle. I think its pathetic that I miss him BUT I DO. ICK.”

Please stop being so hard on yourself. Getting over someone you cared for or loved is no lap across the pool. I’ve been there, so I know.

Have you given yourself time to truly grieve the loss? After a particularly bad (and surprising) breakup, I found myself taking to bed straight after work for about an hour to let it truly sink in: It’s over. We’re done. We’ve hit a wall, and there’s no way around it.

It does help to let the pain sink in. Accept it. You know how it feels when you cut your finger? It stings horribly for a bit, and then it slowly starts to feel better. So, let this loss sting. (You may have to do this several times. I did.)

And, after you get out of bed, practice keeping him out of your mind, but be gentle with yourself. Whenever you find yourself struggling, remind yourself, “I can and will get over him.” Say, “I refuse to let someone have this much power over me.”

Whatever you do, don’t talk about him. If others bring him up, change the subject. Keep telling yourself that you’re moving on.

Other things that help: Getting rid of items that remind you of him. If there’s a specific food or smell that you can’t banish from your life but threatens to show up unbidden, you might surround yourself with that smell or eat that food until it loses its association.

Also, this may sound crazy, but you may want to rearrange the furniture in your house or apartment, so you can avoid thoughts like, “We were sitting right there when he…,” and “We were having dinner in that corner, and he made laugh so hard I….”

Even if the guy never once appeared in your home, moving the furniture can make a space seem new and help you progress emotionally (I’m not a psychologist, but this kind of thing tends to work for me).

If you’re ambitious, you might want to change the color of some rooms, and if you’ve been meaning to buy a new rug, this would be an excellent time to do it.

The goal is to put him in the past. Taking action will help you do it.

Again, be patient with yourself. Be kind. Falling in love is not for cowards. Give yourself credit for taking a chance. Know that in the end this experience will indeed make you stronger.

I hope this helps.