When He Suddenly Cancels…

One of my closest friends is actively dating, having been divorced for a couple of years.

She encountered a “charming, funny” guy on a dating site and subsequently met him for a successful dinner. “I would definitely see him again,” she reported.

He called to set something up for the following weekend. They decided on a movie and dinner. He lives about a half hour away, so they planned to meet in her neighborhood.

She spent her day painting a room in her house, eagerly looking forward to seeing him again. Then she got into the shower and began the beauty routine. “I started to beat myself up about my weight, and I thought my skin looked too red,” but then I told myself the truth: I actually looked pretty good.”

On went the earrings.

And then the phone rang. Mr. Wonderful called to cancel.

So she called me. “I’m disappointed, but I’m going to make a good night of it. I put on my prettiest pajamas, and I just poured a glass of wine. I’m staying in and having a date with myself. What do you think I should make for dinner? Ahi tuna or crab cakes?”

(One thing about this friend: She always has good food in the house. She does not mess around.)

What I love about this story is my friend’s unwillingness to wallow in misery over a canceled date. Let’s face it. Dating occasionally involves disappointment.

Everybody on the dating scene faces disappointment sometimes. Not just my friend. Not just you. It can be part of the process of finding the love of your life.

If some “charming, funny” guy cancels on you, do your best to roll with it. Remember — and treat yourself — like a treasure yet to be discovered.

My friend is a treasure yet to be discovered. Some lucky man will see that and treat her accordingly.

I wish the very same for you. Take good care of yourself.

P.S. In an interesting Law of Attraction coincidence, I just finished writing a blog post on the attractiveness of treating yourself well (and on a couple of other subjects!) for Ronnie Ann Ryan‘s forthcoming Valentine’s Week event. Her blog will include one post per day featuring dating advice from a roster of sage experts.

Check this page for details.

UPDATE: Ronnie’s Valentine’s blog-a-thon will kick off this Thursday, February 10 with a post by Marla Martensen, author of Diary of a Beverly Hills Matchmaker.

For more on Marla, check out her website.

Should you play hard to get?

You want him. You really want him. You’re wondering how you should play it: Available or hard to get?

And then, you may say to yourself, “Hey, if I play hard to get, when can I stop? And when I do stop, will he miss the chase and drop me?”

It’s an excellent question.

Some men (some women, too) love the chase. They don’t want a relationship; they want drama. They want excitement. They thrive on it.

One way not to attract chase junkies is not to play hard to get. Be friendly, be honest, be yourself.

But…

If you’ve had a history of dating guys who don’t show up, or say they’ll call at a certain time and don’t, you may be (rightly) sick of playing doormat.

You want a guy who’s going to do what he said he’s going to do. Ultimately, you want a guy who’s going to be there for you.

So…

In the initial stage of the relationship, do be friendly. Do be available.

If you like a guy, and he says he’ll call you Tuesday and doesn’t get around to it until Thursday, you can say, “I thought you said we’d talk on Tuesday.”

Wait for response.

He’ll probably apologize and perhaps ask to get together later in the week. At this point, you might want to not be available for him. You might give him another chance by saying, “I’m sorry I can’t do it then, but if you call me ___________ morning, I’ll know what my week looks like. I’d love to get together.”

When you do this, you’re being available but not too available. You’ve also indicated:

a) that you do like him, but he blew his chance to see you this week by not calling when he promised

and

b) that you have a full and happy life and are not waiting around to take some guy’s call.

But isn’t this playing hard to get?

No, because you’re not playing. You’ve been honest. You’ve also set a boundary and let him know that your time is valuable. You are not one of those girls he can call up any old time and be accommodated (those poor women tend not to attract happy relationships, if they attract any at all).

You have set yourself apart.

Now, what happens if the guy doesn’t call again, as he promised? Well, my friend, you’ve saved yourself a lot of time. He’s shown you that he doesn’t value you, your time, or your feelings. He has done you a favor.

But, as a dating coaching client of mine discovered this week, very often the opposite happens: The guy does call. He does ask you out again. He says, “This girl is definitely not desperate.”

So, set yourself apart. It’s very attractive.