When Playing Hard to Get Backfires

Hi Terry,

I have a question for you:

Last year I was dating a guy who was clearly into it with me.  I liked him as well but played it cool to avoid scaring him off.  Sadly, I played it too cool and he ended things ( I now find out that it was because he sincerely thought I wasn’t interested).  Fast forward to today.  I contacted him with a simple hello which grew into a e-conversation about how he had thought this about me/us.

He said many things, including he wasn’t disappointed to hear from me, he is dating someone “albeit long distance”, it’s a pity our special chemistry wasn’t further explored, asked if I was with someone special and told me, “sigh, this is so unfair” as he accused me of flirting when I told him the person he’s dating is a lucky girl.

I went on to say that should his circumstances change it wouldn’t have to be unfair.  His response…I agree.

Ugggh!  What now?  Do I contact him again at some point to tell him I meant every word I said (as he didn’t get the message when we were dating and seemed flabbergasted by my recent admission).  Do you think he would be thinking over giving us a new start?

If you have any insight Terry I’d love to hear it.  Thanks so much!

-Should I Take This Further?

Hello,  Should-

I wouldn’t contact him again because you’ve already made your case.

He seems interested, but he’s dating someone else. At this point, your best bet is to let things lie. He may decide that he prefers you to the long-distance girlfriend, or he may not.

Give him time to figure it out. Stay busy and (see other people) in case things don’t go as you’d like.

But if they do — if he realizes that the long-distance relationship pales in comparison to the one he might have with you, don’t play it cool.

Welcome him with open arms.

Should you play hard to get?

You want him. You really want him. You’re wondering how you should play it: Available or hard to get?

And then, you may say to yourself, “Hey, if I play hard to get, when can I stop? And when I do stop, will he miss the chase and drop me?”

It’s an excellent question.

Some men (some women, too) love the chase. They don’t want a relationship; they want drama. They want excitement. They thrive on it.

One way not to attract chase junkies is not to play hard to get. Be friendly, be honest, be yourself.

But…

If you’ve had a history of dating guys who don’t show up, or say they’ll call at a certain time and don’t, you may be (rightly) sick of playing doormat.

You want a guy who’s going to do what he said he’s going to do. Ultimately, you want a guy who’s going to be there for you.

So…

In the initial stage of the relationship, do be friendly. Do be available.

If you like a guy, and he says he’ll call you Tuesday and doesn’t get around to it until Thursday, you can say, “I thought you said we’d talk on Tuesday.”

Wait for response.

He’ll probably apologize and perhaps ask to get together later in the week. At this point, you might want to not be available for him. You might give him another chance by saying, “I’m sorry I can’t do it then, but if you call me ___________ morning, I’ll know what my week looks like. I’d love to get together.”

When you do this, you’re being available but not too available. You’ve also indicated:

a) that you do like him, but he blew his chance to see you this week by not calling when he promised

and

b) that you have a full and happy life and are not waiting around to take some guy’s call.

But isn’t this playing hard to get?

No, because you’re not playing. You’ve been honest. You’ve also set a boundary and let him know that your time is valuable. You are not one of those girls he can call up any old time and be accommodated (those poor women tend not to attract happy relationships, if they attract any at all).

You have set yourself apart.

Now, what happens if the guy doesn’t call again, as he promised? Well, my friend, you’ve saved yourself a lot of time. He’s shown you that he doesn’t value you, your time, or your feelings. He has done you a favor.

But, as a dating coaching client of mine discovered this week, very often the opposite happens: The guy does call. He does ask you out again. He says, “This girl is definitely not desperate.”

So, set yourself apart. It’s very attractive.