Text Messaging and Dating. How Not to Get Burned

Text messaging can be a problem. It allows people to seem like they’re really, really into you when they’re just not that into you.

Case in point, the guy who texts multiple recipients, “Hey, miss you…Want to get together tonight?”and then sits back and sees which women respond. And then decides who he will grace with his company (Rejects get a lame follow-up message like, “Sorry, Baby, something came up… .”)

And that’s one reason text messaging needs to be kept to a minimum in dating. Sure, it’s great for telling a guy you’re running late, or for him to let you know he’s made the reservation, but it does not — and cannot — substitute for eye-to-eye conversation.

EVEN WORSE…

The absolute worst way a person can use text messaging is to break up. It’s tacky. It’s cowardly. It’s slimy. But there are men (and women) between the ages of 14 and 65 who do it.

If a man breaks up with you via text, know that he has revealed himself to be a person of low character. Better to have that information sooner than later. Still, a break-up hurts, especially by text and even more if you were really starting to like the guy.

HERE’S HOW YOU HANDLE IT

It helps to get over a person by re-framing him in your mind. So, if “Bob” once seemed like Prince Charming and his plain-sounding name started rolling around your mouth like an award-winning Zinfandel, it’s time to call a spade a spade.

Pick out Bob’s least appealing quality (cheapness, lateness, nose hair, etc.) and change his name in your contact list from “Bob” to a genius nickname that sums him up:

Cheap Boy
Tardy Fool,
Jungle Nostril
and so on.

Or, conjure up an unfortunate memory of Bob, perhaps at a diner breakfast where he aired his political views with an errant blog of scrambled egg in his mustache:

Egg Lip

From now on, every time you run through your contact list, you will be reminded — not of Knight in Shining Armor Bob — but of Egg Lip.

You will soon find yourself thinking of Bob as Egg Lip, and nobody wants to date Egg Lip.

Nobody.

(To quickly get over Bob, this can work even better than eliminating his name from your contact list altogether. BONUS: If the clown ever contacts you again, his name will come up as Egg Lip, which might even provide you with a well-deserved laugh.)

Remember, relationships are built eye-to-eye, not via text message. If a guy is consistently too busy to see you, he’s too busy. He’s not the right man for you.

The right man will make an effort. Let him make that effort.

You’re worth it.

What to Do When You’re Rejected

There are two sides to being rejected:

1) The paralyzing side that makes you believe you don’t have what it takes to find true love — and stops you in your tracks.

2) The motivating side that makes you realize a wrong guy has been eliminated, saving you time and trouble. Now, you’re available for the right guy to come along. (I can’t count how many times I rolled myself up into a ball over some man who dumped me, only to run into him 5 years later and wonder what the heck I ever saw in him.)

When you’re rejected, your best bet is to acknowledge the hurt (and rejection hurts, I don’t care who you are). Then brush yourself off and say, “Next.”

Why?

Because the most successful people are rejected people. (Author J.K. Rowling met rejection 12 times before a publisher decided to take a chance on Harry Potter. Forbes now lists her as a billionaire.)

Failures in love and life are the ones who stopped taking chances. They stopped believing in themselves.

If you don’t know what you have to offer, think about it. Make a list of your best qualities. Jot down every compliment you can remember being given.

Then straighten your shoulders, put that sparkle back in your eye, and smile. Some man will be very lucky to have you.

Be the star you are.

When He Says He Doesn’t Want a Relationship

It happens.

You’re seeing a guy, and he’s given you every indication that he’s really, really into you. He stares directly into your eyes whenever you’re out together. He’s revealed a few secrets from his childhood. During the day, he sends flirtatious text messages.

You start to think this guy might be it. You’re gelling. He’s the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning. So, you ask him to a friend’s wedding/dinner with another couple/a family barbecue.

His response shocks you like a flat-iron falling into a bathtub:  “I don’t want a relationship.”

And, you think,  “Whaaaaaah?”

(Which is a reasonable response.)

Back home, you wonder what exactly you misunderstood. He certainly seemed to be into you. Maybe you were imagining things. No, you weren’t imagining things. You call a friend to reassure you that you weren’t imagining things.

She doesn’t let you down. “He said what?” she demands. “But I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I’ve heard the way he talks to you. I’ve heard the way he talks about you.”

And then your friend says what you’re hoping she’ll say: “He must be afraid of getting hurt. He likes you so much it’s freaking him out. Don’t worry; he’ll come around.”

But I’m going to tell you something else. I am going to tell you something that will save you many nights of lying awake plotting and scheming to get this man to understand that a) you are the one person he cannot live without, and b) you are not capable of ever hurting him.

When a man tells you he doesn’t want a relationship (no matter what he’s said or done to make you believe otherwise), you believe him.

Believe him!

And then you say, “I’m kind of surprised to hear that because I thought we had something. I liked you, and I thought you liked me.  Thanks for letting me know I had it wrong.” Smile (as genuinely as you can manage), shake the man’s hand, and get the hell out of the car/ restaurant/ bar with your back straight and your head high.

If you feel like crying, by all means go for it. But wait until you’re alone (or with a supportive friend). Then pat yourself on the back for walking away from a guy whose actions don’t match his words.

In the end, we all want a guy whose actions match his words.

This guy wasn’t it.

Whatever you do, please do not try to convince the guy that he does want a relationship, and he wants it with you. This is called begging, and it makes you look desperate and feel like a complete loser.  Why would you do that to yourself?

When a guy tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, take him at his word. Believe him. You’re much too good for the alternative.

How to Forget Him

A reader writes:

“… I don’t know HOW to forget him. I push thoughts of him out of my mind. But I dream about him at night, I wake up in a terrible mood. I tell myself that he was no good for me and that it wasn’t meant to be. I have been going out with other men, I have been expanding my social circle. I think its pathetic that I miss him BUT I DO. ICK.”

Please stop being so hard on yourself. Getting over someone you cared for or loved is no lap across the pool. I’ve been there, so I know.

Have you given yourself time to truly grieve the loss? After a particularly bad (and surprising) breakup, I found myself taking to bed straight after work for about an hour to let it truly sink in: It’s over. We’re done. We’ve hit a wall, and there’s no way around it.

It does help to let the pain sink in. Accept it. You know how it feels when you cut your finger? It stings horribly for a bit, and then it slowly starts to feel better. So, let this loss sting. (You may have to do this several times. I did.)

And, after you get out of bed, practice keeping him out of your mind, but be gentle with yourself. Whenever you find yourself struggling, remind yourself, “I can and will get over him.” Say, “I refuse to let someone have this much power over me.”

Whatever you do, don’t talk about him. If others bring him up, change the subject. Keep telling yourself that you’re moving on.

Other things that help: Getting rid of items that remind you of him. If there’s a specific food or smell that you can’t banish from your life but threatens to show up unbidden, you might surround yourself with that smell or eat that food until it loses its association.

Also, this may sound crazy, but you may want to rearrange the furniture in your house or apartment, so you can avoid thoughts like, “We were sitting right there when he…,” and “We were having dinner in that corner, and he made laugh so hard I….”

Even if the guy never once appeared in your home, moving the furniture can make a space seem new and help you progress emotionally (I’m not a psychologist, but this kind of thing tends to work for me).

If you’re ambitious, you might want to change the color of some rooms, and if you’ve been meaning to buy a new rug, this would be an excellent time to do it.

The goal is to put him in the past. Taking action will help you do it.

Again, be patient with yourself. Be kind. Falling in love is not for cowards. Give yourself credit for taking a chance. Know that in the end this experience will indeed make you stronger.

I hope this helps.