5 Tips for an Excellent First Date

1) Know what you have to offer.

Before you leave the house, write a list of your best qualities that have nothing whatsoever to do with your looks. Maybe you’re a good listener. Maybe you’re a piano virtuoso. Maybe you make people laugh. Maybe you bake a mean red velvet cake — from scratch.

Read your list and keep it in mind whenever you’re tempted to wonder, “What will this person ever see in me?” Knowing what you have to offer inspires confidence.

Confidence is more attractive than beauty.

2) Take the pressure off.

Too many people approach every first date as if they’re going to meet The One, and they’d better not blow it. Yeah, it’s possible that the guy you meet over pad thai tonight will indeed be The One, but it’s just as likely he’ll be Some Jerk. While the world is full of wonderful men, it’s also teeming with toads, so find out what you’re dealing with. Meet a guy with the attitude that you may (or may not) make a new friend. If you wouldn’t want him for a friend, he has zero boyfriend potential.

3) Listen at least as much as you speak.

The goal of a first date is to get to know a man. If you’re so busy rattling off your accomplishments, goals, political views, etc., you won’t be able to evaluate him properly. You want to evaluate him properly to determine whether or not you want to see him again. Slow down your breathing. When he talks, listen. Make eye contact. Stop worrying about what you’ll say next. If you listen, your responses will come naturally. You won’t have to work so hard to impress.

If the guy is worth your while, he’ll want to hear what you have to say. If he’s not interested in letting you talk, he’s not a good match for you (or probably anybody else). Give him a chance to show you who he is.

4) Ask open-ended questions.

Get to know him better by asking him questions that start with “what” or “how,” which encourage him to give you meaty answers, rather than asking him questions that start with “do you” or “are you.”  For example, “What do you like most about your job?” is likely to get you a more interesting response than “Do you like your job?,” which may yield a yes-or-no answer.

5) Say goodnight and let go.

At the end of a first date, a guy usually says he’ll be in touch. Sometimes he means it. Sometimes he doesn’t. This is your opportunity to see what he does. Under no circumstances are you to stress about it. If he asks to see you again, decide whether or not you want to see him. If he doesn’t make contact, forget him.

Not every first date is going to lead to a second, and that’s a good thing. If no man could resist you, you’d be too busy fending off suitors to do your laundry. When a guy doesn’t call, it means he’s not The One. Be glad you know this sooner than later.

Also, gracefully accepting a rejection keeps you in the driver’s seat:  You won’t lie awake replaying every nuance of a “failed” date. It renders you free to meet other people until you find The One for you – a man who loves you, makes your happiness a priority, and whose actions match his words.

He Seemed to Like You. Then He Disappeared. What the… ?

What did you say? What did you do?

The guy liked you. Texted you. Made plans to see you. Talked for hours on the phone. Emailed you flowery messages, and then…

POOF!

He disappeared.

Stopped texting. Stopped calling. Stopped emailing.Or, if he contacted you, made mealy-mouthed excuses as to why he couldn’t get together after all.

What did you do to scare him off?

Here’s the answer:

Probably nothing.

Unless you made the cardinal mistakes of texting your way through dinner or regaling him with details of your root canal, the problem probably does not lie with you. It lies with him.

Listen, there are guys who get off on the chase. They get off on the adrenaline, the romance, the does-she-or-doesn’t-she-like-me?

Once they get their answer (“She likes me! She really, really likes me!”), they move on.

See, they were never really into you, anyway. They were into themselves. This type of guy seeks acceptance and validation from women. He wants to know he’s still “got it.”

Once he gets the approval he craves, he moves on.

Take heart, my friend. He’s done you a favor. You do not want or need a narcissist for a boyfriend  – or, worse, a husband.

(Just to be fair, there are women who thrive on massaging men’s interest for their own ego gratification. They exploit men at their own peril because, as Ann Landers used to say, “Time wounds all heels.”)

You want and need a man who loves you and who makes your happiness his priority. You want a man who lifts you up and is grateful you love him back.

That is what you want, right?

So, stop wondering what you did to chase off what’s-his-name. Set your sights on a better man.

Things Were Going Great, and Then — Poof! — He Disappeared

You went out with him. You had a great time. He had a great time (you know he did). You believed you finally met a guy who really got you. You clicked.

And then, just as you felt sure you’d met the right man, he disappeared. He stopped calling. He stopped texting. He fell off the face of the earth.

What happened?

Who knows, but I want you to understand that this scenario happens to almost everybody at one time in their dating career. It’s baffling and frustrating.

But it probably has nothing to do with you. (Repeat: It probably has nothing to do with you.)

Okay, some self-examination may be necessary. Did you say anything insulting? Did you text or take calls over dinner? Did you freak out when the guy used the decorative  towels in your bathroom?  (I know one woman who did. She couldn’t for the life of her understand why the guy made a hasty exit.)

I’m guessing, though, that you did none of these things. The guy’s disappearance had nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him.

You have to stop obsessing about what went wrong. You must say to yourself, “A guy who vanishes without an explanation may be doing me a favor.”

And you have to mean it. He may not be who he said he was. He may have had something to hide. Good riddance!

Here’s what you won’t do:

Text him.

Try to bump into him.

Drive past his house.

Email him.

Send him cards.

Once you pull one of these stunts, you start to believe you’re desperate. Desperation will ooze from your pores. Men will pick up on it. You’ll attract fewer dates, and the ones you do attract will treat you like crap.

Instead, tell yourself that if this guy wants to see you again, he’s going to be the one to make contact. And he’s going to have a plausible and reasonable explanation for going AWOL. Only then will you decide (very carefully) whether he’s even worth your time.

Take back your confidence. Confidence makes you sure-footed and attractive. Men will notice. You’ll attract more dates, and the ones you do attract will treat you like the treasure deep down you know you are.

How to Turn a Man Off Instantly (Or What Your Date Probably Doesn’t Have In Common With Arnold Schwarzenegger)…

You’d might be surprised how many guys complain about women who commit the following dating crimes (and refuse to see them again).

Crime One:

Man meets woman. First thing she does is take her phone out of her bag and plunk it on the table. She’s supposed to be talking or listening to him, but her eyes keep flitting to that dumb phone.

Crime Two:

She shows up with a major chip on her shoulder. She’s thinking, “I want to make sure you’re not going to burn me, so I am going to assault you with a series of overly personal questions.”

She hits him with:

- Why haven’t you ever been married? You must have commitment issues.

- Are you sure you’re not gay?

- (If he’s been married) Who caused the divorce? Did you cheat on your wife?

And so on…

Look, if you’re alive, you’ve been hurt. And the guy has been, too, but don’t you dislike it when you meet a man for the first time, and he brings all his weird relationship baggage to the table?

We’ve all been hurt.

And recent reports of repellent and ultimately very sad behavior of celebrities like Arnold Schwarzenegger don’t exactly inspire our trust in men.

(Take heart: The New York Times ran a piece this weekend debunking the myth that powerful men are prone to cheating and other negative behavior, maintaining that such men had those tendencies before they came powerful. Good to know.)

But the guy you’re meeting tonight is not Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s a unique individual, and you owe it to him to get to know him. Keep your eyes and ears open.

Listen. Watch.

It’s true that people show you who they are, so let him show you who he is.

Approach every first date with a “let’s see what happens” attitude. Tell yourself, this guy will probably not be “the guy,” but I am going to have a good time anyway. Approach the date as if you are merely meeting a friend.

In other words, take the pressure off. (If you’ve been meeting men with the “this might be the guy I marry” attitude, you are putting way too much pressure on yourself — and on him!)

Before you leave the house, bring to mind all the lovely things you have to offer. Meet the guy with poise and self-love. Then, sit back and let him show you who he is.

She Can’t Get a Second Date

Hi, Terry!

First, I’d like to thank you for all your inspiration and help through your blog and emails. You truly are an amazing person.

I just have one question… I’ve finally jumped back into the dating scene after a horrible breakup that I endured about a year ago. I am being optimistic about everything this time, as well as cautious.

I’ve gone on two dates with two different guys so far. Each one was different, the first guy was really sweet and paid me a lot of compliments. I thought we hit it off, and we did speak after the date – but a second date never happened. The second guy was super funny, and even asked me out for a second date right in the middle of the first one! But, I haven’t heard from him in two days. (Again, trying to be optimistic. If things don’t work out with these guys, I know there are plenty others out there.)

But, my question is this: How do I not fall so hard, so quickly? With these guys, all it really took were a few compliments and some laughs to make me fall for them. I feel like this always happens to me, and I’m kind of sick of the disappointment. Again, my head is telling me that it’s okay and there are other guys, but my heart is hurt because I thought I really liked them.

Is there a way to avoid falling so hard, so quickly?

Thanks,
Stuck on the First Date

Dear First:

Thanks for the extremely kind and generous words.

The trick is to approach each date with a “let’s see what happens” attitude. Be friendly, be optimistic, be your lovely and charming self, but take the pressure off. Figure the guy you’re meeting is not going to be the guy.

Now, this may sound depressing (and distressing), but it’s actually a good thing. If every first date resulted in you finding the guy, you would end up with too many guys to choose from. You would be confused and frustrated.

I mean, how do you pick just one right guy from a pool of right guys?

To keep from falling too hard, assess each man you meet coolly and fairly. Just because he’s tossed out a couple of compliments doesn’t mean he’s husband material. He’s a guy with a social skill.

Instead, watch him to see if his words match his actions. Think about the way he talks about his family, other women (including his sisters and mother), and his coworkers. Is he optimistic? Well-adjusted? Does he possess a good sense of humor?

Is he a complainer? Do his eyes linger too long on the waitress? Do you feel good in his company — or are you worrying too much about coming off as his dream girl?

Rather than propelling yourself mentally into a relationship with a first date, consider whether the man is worth falling for at all.

Now, let’s say all goes well. You deem him worthy of a second outing, and he never calls. What then?

Know that this is par for the course. Everyone who dates, man or woman, will be rejected. Think of it as a sifting process: Guys are sifting for the right woman. Women are sifting for the right guy. You might like someone who (oy!) doesn’t like you. And then some other guy might fall for you, and you find yourself unable to return his feelings.

During this process, keep in mind what you want from a man (compliments are good, but how about loyalty, affection, honesty, and fun?). How would the right man make you feel?

Then, know what you have to offer (how about loyalty, affection, honesty, and fun? Add your other wonderful attributes. By all means, locate a pen and write them down).

Believe that the right man is out there. Go out. Date. Watch your thoughts. Don’t jump to conclusions. Take your time and get to know the men you date. Keep going out. Believe that the right man is actively looking for you, too.

Eventually, you’ll find each other.