He Kissed Me … and Backed Off Big Time

Hey Terry,

Thank you for an amazing blog, I have a little problem and was hoping that maybe you could help me.

Basically, me and my best guy friend kissed. I had feelings for him before that, but I didn’t think he was interested so I didn’t say anything. After he kissed me he said that he had promised himself that he wouldn’t kiss me, so why he did I don’t know. It felt like we were in a relationship when we were strolling back to campus early that morning and we even talked about how we would tell our friends and how people would react to us being together. And when I say best friend, I really mean best friend. I know the guy so well that I could tell you stories about how his grandparents met.

But what happened was that the day after the kiss, he didn’t answer my text, and when I met him he acted weird. Me, being an anxious wreck who hates grey zones, told him bluntly that I had feelings for him and he was confused so I gave him some time. After two weeks I couldn’t stand it anymore, I had to force an answer out of him. He said that he didn’t want to ruin our friendship, that I was his closest friend and he didn’t want to lose that. He also said that he simply didn’t want a relationship right now.

Months passed, and we were both in a weird, rather depressed state. But I still felt like I knew him, and we would still talk every now and then. But recently I feel like he’s changing. He’s started hanging out with “the boys” again, going to loads of parties, and he’s started acting sort of weird. He called me a couple of weeks ago and was upset about something and we went hiking like we always do when we need to talk. It felt just like old times and I was glad, thinking that we got our friendship back. But then he started acting weird again, he ignores me one day and pretends like everything is fine the next. He still calls me sometimes, but then he ignores me when I see him on campus. It’s just all very odd. I miss him, and really want him back in my life. But when I think about the many times I put myself out there with him, and basically tried to convince him to be in a relationship with me, I feel humiliated. I don’t know what to do, if I should try to fix our friendship before I move away in a couple of months or not? Feels like I’m constantly pushing him, and I don’t get anything back.

- Henrietta

Dear Henrietta-

Two phrases jump out from your letter:

“…tried to convince him to be in a relationship with me” and “…like I’m constantly pushing him.”

You say you feel humiliated, and sometimes you probably feel much worse. You really, really want this relationship, and you’ve tried your damnedest to get it. The man rewards you by acting weird, blowing you off to hang with the boys, and calling you only sporadically.

Close your eyes for a minute.  (After you read this response, though. Otherwise you might not be able to read it).

Imagine shopping for a car. You think you want the car, but you still have a few questions. Instead of giving you time and room to decide whether or not the car is what you really and truly want, the salesman keeps talking. Keeps telling you that you want it. Tells you he only has one more on the floor, sold two last night, and he’s not due for another delivery for two months.

You still want the car, but he hasn’t addressed your questions about gas mileage, or reliability, or safety. He just keeps telling you that you want the car, and that if you don’t buy it now, you’re making a mistake.

How do you feel?

What are you thinking?

Are you calm or scared? Feeling secure or pressured? Are you thinking that you might be better off checking out another dealer?

I don’t mean to compare going out with you to a car purchase. I do want to illustrate this: When you push, the other person’s impulse is to pull back.

Your friend kissed you. He likes you. You are his best friend. He doesn’t want to mess things up between you. Listen to him. Respect him.

Because he’s telling you something. We all know friends who became more than friends, and then became not friends at all (it happened to me). If you respect his feelings you have a much better chance of being more than friends one day than if you keep pushing him to do something he’s not sure about.

Give him room.

This means (and I know it’s hard, but you can do it) forget the kiss. It never happened. Once you banish it from your mind, you can stop reliving it and analyzing his motivations for it.

You’ve probably relived that kiss in your mind 5,000 times, and it’s exhausting. The hyperanalysis is exhausting  Let it go.

You don’t have to fix anything.  All you have to do is be okay with being friends. If he starts acting weird, let him be weird. Be his friend, but don’t wait around for him. You’re moving soon, so fill the time you have left with other activities. Take a Zumba class. Learn a language. Join a soccer team. Keep so busy you don’t have time to wonder, “Will he or won’t he?”

It’s possible he will come around, and you’ll move slowly into that special relationship you want. The key here is that he will have come around. He will have decided he wants it, too. Nobody will have twisted his arm.

It’s possible he won’t come around. He’ll just keep being weird. If this happens, know that a love relationship you is not meant to be. Make peace with that. Count yourself lucky that you found it out sooner than later.

I know you’re hurting and confused. I don’t blame you. Please treat yourself gently and kindly, like the treasure you are.

What Never to Do When You Want a Commitment

Finally, you’ve met a man you can envision spending life with. You love him. He loves you. But…

He’s happy the way things are going. “Why rock the boat?” he says.

Meantime, you can’t attend a family party without someone asking, “When’s he going to propose?” The pressure is on for you to show up on Christmas wearing a ring. This pressure is not pleasant. You feel bad. A lot. You pass magazine racks and linger over the bridal books, wondering when it’s going to be your turn to buy a dress.

You try talking to your boyfriend again, to see if you can convince him of the benefits of being married.

But he’s not biting. He’s happy.

Your friends give you advice. Your mother gives you advice. Your sisters give you advice. They tell you, “He’d better propose. He owes you.”

On some level, you begin to accept this. You have spent X amount of time with him. He says he loves you. He owes it to you to produce a ring. So, you start demanding. You start begging. This turns you into a demanding beggar. You start feeling ugly and desperate. Even at work, your confidence begins to suffer.

Then, somebody gives you the bright idea to give your boyfriend an ultimatum: Marry me, or we break up.

Since he does love you, this is bound to work. And it does: He thrashes around a bit, but eventually he comes to his senses. He proposes. He gives you a ring.

Oh, happy day! There is much rejoicing!

The wedding goes smoothly. The honeymoon is even better. You get home and settle into married life. You have a child or two. But day-to-day life has its challenges. You’re tired. He’s tired. One morning, he wakes up and looks at you. He thinks, “This was never my idea. She forced me into it.”

He’s right. You did. And you’re stuck being married to a man who thinks he did you a big, fat favor.

This is why you never give a man an ultimatum. When a man asks you to marry him, you want him (correction: you need him) to be fully on-board.

You want him to know he’s making the best decision of his life by marrying you. You want him to understand that — whatever challenges present themselves in life — he wants to get through them with you.

So, please never reduce yourself to giving a man an ultimatum. You’re too big a prize for that.

STAY TUNED:

My next post will tell the story of a woman who wanted to marry a live-in boyfriend who just wasn’t interested. Learn how she handled her dilemma. No ultimatum required.

When He Says He Doesn’t Want a Relationship

It happens.

You’re seeing a guy, and he’s given you every indication that he’s really, really into you. He stares directly into your eyes whenever you’re out together. He’s revealed a few secrets from his childhood. During the day, he sends flirtatious text messages.

You start to think this guy might be it. You’re gelling. He’s the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning. So, you ask him to a friend’s wedding/dinner with another couple/a family barbecue.

His response shocks you like a flat-iron falling into a bathtub:  “I don’t want a relationship.”

And, you think,  “Whaaaaaah?”

(Which is a reasonable response.)

Back home, you wonder what exactly you misunderstood. He certainly seemed to be into you. Maybe you were imagining things. No, you weren’t imagining things. You call a friend to reassure you that you weren’t imagining things.

She doesn’t let you down. “He said what?” she demands. “But I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I’ve heard the way he talks to you. I’ve heard the way he talks about you.”

And then your friend says what you’re hoping she’ll say: “He must be afraid of getting hurt. He likes you so much it’s freaking him out. Don’t worry; he’ll come around.”

But I’m going to tell you something else. I am going to tell you something that will save you many nights of lying awake plotting and scheming to get this man to understand that a) you are the one person he cannot live without, and b) you are not capable of ever hurting him.

When a man tells you he doesn’t want a relationship (no matter what he’s said or done to make you believe otherwise), you believe him.

Believe him!

And then you say, “I’m kind of surprised to hear that because I thought we had something. I liked you, and I thought you liked me.  Thanks for letting me know I had it wrong.” Smile (as genuinely as you can manage), shake the man’s hand, and get the hell out of the car/ restaurant/ bar with your back straight and your head high.

If you feel like crying, by all means go for it. But wait until you’re alone (or with a supportive friend). Then pat yourself on the back for walking away from a guy whose actions don’t match his words.

In the end, we all want a guy whose actions match his words.

This guy wasn’t it.

Whatever you do, please do not try to convince the guy that he does want a relationship, and he wants it with you. This is called begging, and it makes you look desperate and feel like a complete loser.  Why would you do that to yourself?

When a guy tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, take him at his word. Believe him. You’re much too good for the alternative.