What to Do When You’re Rejected

There are two sides to being rejected:

1) The paralyzing side that makes you believe you don’t have what it takes to find true love — and stops you in your tracks.

2) The motivating side that makes you realize a wrong guy has been eliminated, saving you time and trouble. Now, you’re available for the right guy to come along. (I can’t count how many times I rolled myself up into a ball over some man who dumped me, only to run into him 5 years later and wonder what the heck I ever saw in him.)

When you’re rejected, your best bet is to acknowledge the hurt (and rejection hurts, I don’t care who you are). Then brush yourself off and say, “Next.”

Why?

Because the most successful people are rejected people. (Author J.K. Rowling met rejection 12 times before a publisher decided to take a chance on Harry Potter. Forbes now lists her as a billionaire.)

Failures in love and life are the ones who stopped taking chances. They stopped believing in themselves.

If you don’t know what you have to offer, think about it. Make a list of your best qualities. Jot down every compliment you can remember being given.

Then straighten your shoulders, put that sparkle back in your eye, and smile. Some man will be very lucky to have you.

Be the star you are.

She Can’t Get a Second Date

Hi, Terry!

First, I’d like to thank you for all your inspiration and help through your blog and emails. You truly are an amazing person.

I just have one question… I’ve finally jumped back into the dating scene after a horrible breakup that I endured about a year ago. I am being optimistic about everything this time, as well as cautious.

I’ve gone on two dates with two different guys so far. Each one was different, the first guy was really sweet and paid me a lot of compliments. I thought we hit it off, and we did speak after the date – but a second date never happened. The second guy was super funny, and even asked me out for a second date right in the middle of the first one! But, I haven’t heard from him in two days. (Again, trying to be optimistic. If things don’t work out with these guys, I know there are plenty others out there.)

But, my question is this: How do I not fall so hard, so quickly? With these guys, all it really took were a few compliments and some laughs to make me fall for them. I feel like this always happens to me, and I’m kind of sick of the disappointment. Again, my head is telling me that it’s okay and there are other guys, but my heart is hurt because I thought I really liked them.

Is there a way to avoid falling so hard, so quickly?

Thanks,
Stuck on the First Date

Dear First:

Thanks for the extremely kind and generous words.

The trick is to approach each date with a “let’s see what happens” attitude. Be friendly, be optimistic, be your lovely and charming self, but take the pressure off. Figure the guy you’re meeting is not going to be the guy.

Now, this may sound depressing (and distressing), but it’s actually a good thing. If every first date resulted in you finding the guy, you would end up with too many guys to choose from. You would be confused and frustrated.

I mean, how do you pick just one right guy from a pool of right guys?

To keep from falling too hard, assess each man you meet coolly and fairly. Just because he’s tossed out a couple of compliments doesn’t mean he’s husband material. He’s a guy with a social skill.

Instead, watch him to see if his words match his actions. Think about the way he talks about his family, other women (including his sisters and mother), and his coworkers. Is he optimistic? Well-adjusted? Does he possess a good sense of humor?

Is he a complainer? Do his eyes linger too long on the waitress? Do you feel good in his company — or are you worrying too much about coming off as his dream girl?

Rather than propelling yourself mentally into a relationship with a first date, consider whether the man is worth falling for at all.

Now, let’s say all goes well. You deem him worthy of a second outing, and he never calls. What then?

Know that this is par for the course. Everyone who dates, man or woman, will be rejected. Think of it as a sifting process: Guys are sifting for the right woman. Women are sifting for the right guy. You might like someone who (oy!) doesn’t like you. And then some other guy might fall for you, and you find yourself unable to return his feelings.

During this process, keep in mind what you want from a man (compliments are good, but how about loyalty, affection, honesty, and fun?). How would the right man make you feel?

Then, know what you have to offer (how about loyalty, affection, honesty, and fun? Add your other wonderful attributes. By all means, locate a pen and write them down).

Believe that the right man is out there. Go out. Date. Watch your thoughts. Don’t jump to conclusions. Take your time and get to know the men you date. Keep going out. Believe that the right man is actively looking for you, too.

Eventually, you’ll find each other.

When Internet Dating Becomes a Downer

Terry,

I am becoming disillusioned with Internet dating. Please help!

Despite being positive, having an attractive profile and pics, not much is happening. I receive a lot of correspondence from men, but it is quality not quantity that I am looking for. The very few men that I did find appealing who contacted me, seemed keen and asked me to meet them…organised a time and date to meet over the next week, all emailed or texted me the day before the arranged time to say they had met someone. Like in 3 days!

If what they say is true, I find it alarming that any couple would consider becoming exclusive in the first week of meeting. Whilst I like to keep an open mind about life and love, a man who cancelled our first meet 3 months ago, because he had met the woman of his dreams the day before, has now contacted me again because it didn’t work out with her, and now he wants to meet me again. I just feel I don’t want to anymore. Any excitement I felt toward him has dissipated.This behaviour from men is wearing me down and I have lost some of my sparkle

-Formerly Sparkly

Dear Sparkly-

I don’t blame you for being disillusioned, and I respect your instinct not to meet a man who broke a date with you because he met the woman of his dreams, and then called to reschedule because it didn’t work out with said woman. This guy sounds impulsive, and you are wise to steer clear of him. It’s disheartening that the bulk of the guys who initially show interest break dates, but they’re probably doing you a favor. Sounds like they saved you some time.

Now, while a lot of marriages are being made on the Internet, many are being made other ways. People fall in love with people they meet through friends, at bars, in churches, in bookstores, at coffee shops. They meet them through volunteer work.

Pretend for a minute that I am Moses coming down the mountain, and I tell you, “I have good news and bad news for you, Sparkly. The bad news is you will never meet the right man, but you will live an extraordinarily long and healthy life and achieve all your other dreams.”

So, what are your other dreams? What do you love to do? Sit down and write a list, give it a long look, and take action. What do you want to achieve artistically, spiritually, financially? What activities would enable you to make those goals? Who might you meet along the way?

Here’s a story: After a good friend suffered a breakup with a girlfriend of some years, he packed up her stuff and loaded his iPod with “she done me wrong” music. Then, he thought about how he’d fill his newly found time. He happened to especially enjoy two things: the outdoors and good food. He joined the Adirondacks Club and took a gourmet cooking class. He met lots of new people. One of those new people brought a stranger to a party my friend hosted. My friend fell in love with the stranger and married her.

So, Sparkly, perhaps it would be a good idea to give up the Internet dating for a while. Live your life to the absolute fullest — and enjoy it.

Also, it never hurts to have an idea of what kind of man will make you happy; it helps you to recognize him when he shows up. No need to go into height and weight requirements and what kind of job he has or car he drives. I’m thinking more along the lines of qualities like honesty, generosity, a great sense of humor, a willingness to have fun, reliability, and — oh, yeah– the desire for a successful and lasting relationship.

Good luck!