A waste of valuable tears

Dear Terry:

Your ideas are really fabulous. I came to know about you through my friend who has a happy life with her boyfriend because of you.

I am really in a mess. I would be greatly thankful if you could help me by answering. I am 20 years old. A few months ago, a guy proposed to me. He’d been my good friend. I thought about it, and a week later I said yes to him. Then, after a month, he flew abroad for his job. He didn’t call me for almost a week and one day I got hold of him, and we chatted for just a minute. Another day saw him on Facebook chat. He told me to come online at two in the morning so that we could chat. Every day I went on, hoping to chat with him, but he didn’t come on. Later I saw his Facebook profile and saw that he was online almost every day but never bothered to message me.

I was angry and removed him from my friend list. Then, later, he changed his Facebook relationship status to ‘in a relationship.’ I knew he didn’t mean me. I was so sad. I mailed him telling that I’m happy if he’s happy, but be serious this time, don’t break more hearts.

He replied, “”You are a great female. I don’t deserve you. I’m very bad. Didn’t mean to cheat on you. I’m sorry.”

I mailed him back. I didn’t yell at him, but I did tell him not to do this with any other girl. I really do love him. I think and cry about him. I know it’s silly, but I miss him a lot, and I don’t understand why he’s behaving so. He used to not be able to go out without texting me every five minutes. I love him so much.

I asked him about his new girlfriend, and he told me he’s just playing around. He hasn’t found any girl worth sticking with. I’m fed up crying for him. What should I do? I badly want him back. I can’t concentrate on anything because of this. Please guide me. I want so much for him to come back to me.

-Blown Out of the Water

Dear Blown Out-

Thanks for your very kind words. Now buckle up.

The guy you describe is a player, driven by an insatiable need to get as many women as possible interested in him. He must constantly prove to himself that he can get the attention of the opposite sex. It validates him. It makes him feel attractive. It makes him feel alive.

At his core, he feels bad about himself. He needs the constant interest of women to get through the day. When you told him you’d marry him, you gave him the ultimate approval. He quickly proved to be completely unworthy of it.

One day (and I hope it’s very, very soon), you will read his reply to you: “You are a great female. I don’t deserve you. I’m very bad. Didn’t mean to cheat on you. I’m sorry.” You will laugh out loud. You will snort and fall off your chair.

You will ask yourself, “What was I thinking? Why did I ever think twice about this loser?”

“You are a great female.”

Oh, my gosh. Who says that? It’s hilarious!

And he’s right. He doesn’t deserve you. He is very bad, and he’s very sad, too.

If I haven’t convinced you, think about what your life would be like with some clown who tells you he hasn’t found any girl worthy of him. Come on! And you know in your heart of hearts he had some habits that you didn’t like (the ridiculously frequent texting, perhaps?), so bring those habits to mind often and tell yourself, “I have built this guy up in my mind. He is not who I thought he was. I CAN, and I WILL get over him.”

Do me a favor: The next time someone asks you to meet them online (or anywhere else for that matter) and stands you up, dump him (unless he has a genuine and good excuse, like having to attend his mother’s funeral).

Waste not another second on this guy. Please stop your crying. Make room for a real man whose words match his actions.

Good luck!

Jackass On the Loose

Hi, Terry-

You helped me before, and I just wanted to tell you what has finally happened with the man who was celibate. I did tell him that I would go look at houses with him, but when I told him that I wouldn’t make the appointments to view the houses, and told him that I had to protect my heart because I was falling for him, he totally flipped out on me.

He said that I obviously had ulterior motives this entire time because I was just doing stuff I guess because I liked him, and he of course was just doing stuff because HE’s just a good person I guess. He then proceeded to tell me that he thought that I liked doing stuff like that (making appointments) because I said that I liked going house hunting.

He then proceeded to tell me that we shouldn’t talk or email anymore, and called me emotional and said that basically he was just going to forget me after this last conversation. I was absolutely floored, and told him he was a pompous jerk, and I didn’t need to keep in touch with him either. HOW WEIRD IS THAT?

I mean what do guys do when they DO like you, if he never liked me at all. I have never been so blindsided in my life. He was so rude to me, and told me that he was just a direct and passionate person and that can come across as rude.

What do you think happens in a man’s mind to make him think that doing something for him because you like him means that you had ‘ulterior’ motives? Funny though, 10 minutes into that last conversation we had all feelings for him had dropped. I am hurt that apparently he never thought of me as a sincere friend because it would take a lot more than that for me to stop talking to my TRUE friends. Thank you for telling me to protect my heart.

Had I not started to do that, I would be a freaking mess.

-I See the Light!

Dear Light:

Congratulations on bouncing this Bozo from your life.

When he assigned you to make his appointments, did he mistake you for his secretary? Seriously, what a clown. I guess I don’t have to tell you how lucky you are to be rid of him, so I’ll tell you I’m delighted you’re rid of him.

The accusation that you had ulterior motives is so over the top it borders on paranoid. You liked the guy. He’s lucky anybody likes him and is willing to admit it. You didn’t want to get hurt. Since this self-important dope didn’t return your feelings (again, lucky you), the correct response would have been, “I really like being your friend, but I don’t want anything more than that.”

Which would have given you the chance to mourn the rejection and move on (because we all get rejected at one point or another, and the smarter ones among us indeed move on from it).

You ask: “I mean what do guys do when they DO like you?”

Here’s what they do: They let you know it. They tell you. They show it. They don’t want to risk losing you to somebody else, so they make themselves known. They do not speak in code.

If they’re trying to impress you, they don’t ask you to do things for them (like pick up their cleaning or make appointments) because it’s jerky. On the contrary, they will want to do things for you. And if you like them, you let them.

(Of course, as a relationship deepens, you will do things for him. He will continue to do things for you. It’s called considering the needs and wants of the person you love and proceeding accordingly.)

Please resist the temptation to think men are a different species from women. Yeah, there’s masculine and there’s feminine (and thank God for it), but ultimately we are human beings. Most human beings want to love and be loved. The best way to assess a guy’s behavior is to, once again, see if the words match the actions.

Also (and very important), use the Golden Rule in reverse: Is he treating you the way you would treat him? In other words, would you have treated this clown the way he treated you? I somehow doubt it, and that makes his treatment of you unacceptable (and renders him undesirable).

Furthermore, I love these people who go all godly, brag about being saved and celibate, and then go around treating other people like crap. I go to church quite a bit, and let me tell you, you’ll find plenty of good people there, but you’re also very likely to run into several self-centered opportunists who make an art of gaining the trust of vulnerable people — and then misusing it.

The guy you describe is not worthy of your time or your friendship. I know you know it, but I’m compelled to scream it from the rooftop.

Oh, and here’s a tip: When the next guy comes along and requests that he escort you to your sister’s wedding a year from now — while he currently “enjoys just being single and hanging with his friends” — tell him you’ll surely have met someone else by then who just happens not to be a presumptuous jackass.