He’s the Greatest Guy Ever… Until He Gets Sober

Terry:

I have known a certain man for over thirty years. We have never had the right moment to be together. He was married and I was married or he was divorced and I wasn’t.  And we’ve shared everything ( “If things were different” … and so on). Well,  now we are both single.

I spent a week with him, and it was wonderful. When he is drunk he tells me he loves me, and I am the one he wants to be with and I am everything.  But when he is sober it’s different.  He tells me he didn’t want me to leave, and I am all he has. He has known for year that I have loved him for over 30 years, and at times he tells me the same thing. Now he’s angry at me because I won’t talk to him.

What to do. It’s been over 30 years, but my heart can take the back and forth anymore.

-Been a Long Time

Dear Been-

If I understand you correctly, the guy loves you when he’s drunk but not when he’s sober. Or he’s fun to be around when he’s drunk but not when he’s sober.

If this is the case, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been with him. You have to ask yourself, “If I could keep this guy drunk long enough to marry me, what would my life be like afterwards?”

I suppose if he stays drunk, everything will be okay. But at some point, he’s going to have to sober up and go to work, right? What happens then?

While I’m all in favor of having a couple of drinks to take the edge off, I worry that drinking heavily on a consistent basis is not conducive to mental or physical health. And you know, it’s terribly aging.

You say your heart can’t take this situation anymore, so I suggest you listen to your heart. Deep down, you know perfectly well what life will be like if you have to wake up next to this person for the rest of your life.

What to do? You know what to do.

When He Doesn’t Want a Relationship (and You Do)

He says he doesn’t want a relationship, but he keeps coming around. You laugh all the time. You have great sex. You have so much in common. You’re perfect together.

He feels it, too. You know he does. You can tell because of the way he looks at you.

Yet…

He says he doesn’t want a relationship, and you’re baffled.

Surely you can change his mind. Surely he’ll thank you for it later. You belong together. If only you could make him realize it.

You can, right?

Can you?

Here’s the thing. When you’re in the wobbly position of convincing a man that he wants a relationship — that he’s better off with you — you have lost your power.

You know how it feels. You walk around like a zombie. You’re preoccupied. You don’t smile or laugh with your friends, coworkers, or children as much.

You toss and turn at night, devising plans to get him to want a relationship he says he doesn’t want. You’re miserable and out of control.

So, now what do you do?

You take him at his word. When a man says he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him.

(KNOW THIS: A certain type of man — a creep, for instance — will tell you he doesn’t want a relationship and keep coming around, knowing you’ll take his behavior as evidence that he indeed wants one. This way, he can sleep with you and not feel guilty about it. “Hey,” he’ll reason. “I told her I didn’t want a relationship.”)

When you take a man at his word, he will do one of two things:

- He will realize that he wants a relationship, and if he doesn’t get his act together, he’ll lose you.

- He will disappear from your life. (This is a good thing. He was never going to be your boyfriend, anyway. You’re hurt, but you will get over it).

How do you take a man at his word?

Once he says he doesn’t want a relationship, stop returning his calls, texts, etc. (If he says, “But it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends,” oh, yes it does. You are just too vulnerable. Cease communication.)

Absolutely do not sleep with him “just one more time” (since you’re emotionally involved, it’ll feel good now and hurt like hell tomorrow).

Instead, fill every spot of your calendar with healing activities that give you joy. Smile. Meet all sorts of new people. One of them may introduce you to a man who wants a drama-free relationship with a great catch like you.

And, if you happen to run into Mr. No-Relationship, keep your distance. Wave, smile, and keep moving. You are no longer available to him.

Is He Trying to Tell You It’s Over?

Is he breaking up with you?

Sometimes you’ll know because he’ll come out and tell you the relationship is over.

Other times, his calls will drop off, he’ll be less available, and you’ll be left wondering if he’s truly busy or quietly moving on.

Before you get too upset, determine whether the guy is worth keeping around in the first place. Take out a piece of paper and honestly assess the pros and cons of the relationship.

(Note: “Having a man in my life” does not constitute a pro.)

If you conclude he’s worth holding onto, let him prove it. If he’s been playing it cool, don’t text him, grill his friends for his whereabouts, or arrange to run into him somewhere. Sit back. See what happens. If he gets in touch with you and makes a consistent effort to see you, the relationship may indeed be worth salvaging.

If, however, he shows up at whim looking for sex, he’s merely a sex partner (and a weasel). If you want more than that, move on to make yourself available for a better man.

Once you decide to move on, the key is to actually move on.

This will help:

- Using that list of relationship cons, write down in vivid detail situations where your ex annoyed, embarrassed, or hurt you. Keep this bit of info in your wallet and whip it out whenever you’re tempted to replay a romantic scene between you in your head. It may also help to keep a copy on your bathroom mirror.

- Paint a room in your house or apartment. Rearrange the furniture. Making a change in your environment signals a new start.

- In a couple of weeks, when you’re feeling stronger, make a special effort to forgive your ex. This step is for YOU, not him. You’ve heard it before: Holding a grudge is like letting a jerk live rent-free in your head.

It’s your head. Reclaim it.

To forgive him, close your eyes and mentally tell him, “I forgive you.” This will not be easy for a while, but do keep it up. Eventually, you may even work up the strength to pray for the guy.

What we wish for others we wish for ourselves. Pray for his happiness. Pray that he becomes free of his annoying tendencies.

Pray for yourself and for the strength to forgive.

Forgiveness is powerful. When you forgive a man, you unbind yourself from him. One day you will run into him on the street and wonder what you ever saw in him.

Believe it.

Furthermore, forgiving the wrong man makes you available for the right man.

Wouldn’t you rather be in the arms of the right man than in those of the wrong man?

Happy New Year.

 

If You Want to Get Married, Don’t Be This Woman…

Last week, I wrote about how it’s important not to assume that all men are the same, or even that they harbor the same ideas about sex. Coincidentally, I had an experience on Saturday evening that made me even more passionate about this.

I was in Manhattan to celebrate my  father’s birthday. He wanted to go for dinner at a casual Irish place on Third Avenue.

When we got there, the place was pretty empty (typical for an early Saturday evening in the summer). An attractive couple sat at the bar. And then, a woman’s cackling laugh assaulted us from way back in the restaurant.

My father looked at me. I looked at him. We shared the same thought: This might be a bad idea. Seriously, the woman’s  sharp and sudden eruptions cut through our skulls like a hatchet.

We asked to be seated, anyway.

As we approached our table, we couldn’t help but notice the perpetrator of the laughter (and subsequent shouting), who was a quite pretty person I approximated to be no older than 27.

She was sitting with three other young women and an attractive guy, but hers was the only voice I ever heard. Every other sentence went started, “Guys think this… but girls think this…..”

She seemed to be directing a lot of her observations to the guy, whom I couldn’t quite hear but didn’t seem to agree with her. She accused him of being gay.

After about five more minutes of this, the couple at the bar had enough and departed.

Meanwhile, the cackler got drunker. She proceeded to reel off a series of recent sexual adventures — in colorful detail (at this point, I could no longer take it; who wants  to hear this stuff when they’re having dinner with her father?  Unfortunately, the waitress was heading our way bearing grilled salmon and fish and chips).

Each of the stories the woman told ended up in disappointment. Interestingly, she seemed to be soliciting advice from the guy she’d accused of being gay.

She relayed the latest of her romantic disasters, telling the table (and us, the waitstaff, and some fresh suckers who’d just sat down at the bar),  “And then the guy had the nerve to tell me, ‘That’s why you’ll always  be alone.’”

At this point, my father looked me in the eye and said, “In 15 years, she’ll be telling the same stories, and she’ll definitely be alone.”

Why will she be alone?

First off, she believes men and women are different species. She has very definite ideas about what men think and how to attract them (solely through sex, and if they don’t appear interested, they have to be gay). She also has definite ideas about how all women see things (we’re all the same, as far as she’s concerned).

In other words, she never gives anyone a real chance. She makes assumptions. She doesn’t get to know a guy. Or a girl. Or anybody.  She knows everything. After a thousand failures, she still plays at sex to get love.

Secondly, during one of her very explicit monologues about her sex life, she detailed a conversation she had with one of her liaisons, which indicated that she probably has very deep fears about letting a man get close to her.

She’s not self-aware enough to realize it, but she pushes men away. She’s trying to protect herself. She refuses to make herself vulnerable.

None of us can be loved until we make ourselves vulnerable. Being vulnerable can be terrifying, and we may end up being hurt, but it sure beats telling war stories in a bar and wondering why we always end up being alone.

TO DISPEL SOME OF THE FEAR OF FALLING IN LOVE, GET MEN’S PERSPECTIVE ON LOVE.

Resist stereotypes. Open your mind. Discover the truth. Here’s how:

-Talk to a variety of men. If you don’t have any friends who are men, make some. Treat them like actual humans.

-See Crazy Stupid Love, a movie that tells the story of a guy who adores his wife and fights to save their marriage.

-Read fiction by men (try Michael Connolly or Dennis Lehane).

-Listen to men. They’re not all the same.

-By all means, forget what you see on Jersey Shore.

WHERE CAN YOU MEET MEN?

-Coffee shops. Don’t ask me why, but men seem to love coffee shops. And I mean men from ages 21 to 80. Find a place where you can be comfortable and become a familiar face. Get to know the owner. Get to know the regulars. Get to know some men.

As a side note, Ronnie Ann Ryan posted a good piece on deciphering a man’s mixed signals yesterday. Take a look here.

Beware of This Guy…

I sent this message to my list the other day and received a goodly amount of positive responses, so it must have hit a nerve. Maybe it’ll help you, too.

This happens a lot:

Girl meets guy (usually on some Internet site). Girl is lukewarm about guy. Guy seems really, really hot on girl.

Girl decides to give guy a chance. Guy talks about how he’d like to get married one day. Asks girl if she’d like to get married one day.

On a later date, he asks her if she’d consider moving nearer to his area. At this point, she realizes a) he does seem like a pretty good catch, and b) he’s clearly not afraid of commitment, which is a plus.

She decides to keep seeing him. She talks herself into liking him more and more. She changes her relationship status on Facebook to ‘In a Relationship.’

They have a lot in common. She likes photography. So does he. She likes jazz. So does he. She likes Indian food. So does he.

He continues to talk about the future. She finds herself falling for him. Hey, she’d be crazy not to, right?

But then he calls one night — 24 hours after they enjoyed a splendid restaurant meal together — and says, “I don’t know how much of a commitment I can give you.”

She’s stunned. She’s shocked. She’s thinking, “IS THIS GUY BREAKING UP WITH ME??”

Sure enough, he is. (Not that he comes out and tells her, of course. The clown just stops calling.)

She spends some time beating herself up. What did she do wrong? How did she offend him? How did she blow this?

Thing is, she didn’t.

When a man starts talking marriage, future, commitment too soon, it’s very possible he’s GAUGING YOUR INTEREST IN HIM.

It’s all about him, you see: Do you like him? Do you think he’s attractive? Would you consider getting to know him better?

It’s an ego trip, and it likely has very little to do with you.

And once this type of individual finds out his new female acquaintance is open to a future with him, he gets the ego boost he came for, and he disappears like the last Cheet-o from the bottom of the bag.

How do you prevent this from happening to you?

If a man starts talking about the possibility of marriage sooner than you’re comfortable with it, HEED YOUR INSTINCTS. Very politely say, “You seem like a great guy. Let’s enjoy getting to know each other for the time being.” And gently change the subject.

Remember, if a guy is truly interested, you can’t scare him away that easily. He’ll stick around.

What to do when you find out you’re dating a schmuck

A couple of months ago, a woman (let’s call her Lesley) met a seemingly fine guy her own age. He was handsome, well-mannered, and well-employed.

Their first meeting seemed to foretell a great future together. They had a good deal in common (both divorced, he liked art and photography and wine. They found themselves laughing easily together and enjoying easy conversation). He called her the next morning to set up a day out for the weekend. That day came, and they discovered they had even more in common.

She didn’t necessarily want “a relationship.” She wanted an occasional companion for dinner or for an afternoon drive, but within a couple of weeks, her resistance started to wear. He was funny, after all. He was kind, or so it seemed. He was handsome. He didn’t make stupid comments.

He made it plain he wanted “a relationship.” He didn’t like dating, he said. She decided he was too good to lose. She changed her Facebook status accordingly.

Things seemed to go well. They saw each other several days a week. She learned that they had a mutual friend who vouched that he was “a great guy.” She started to believe, despite her former disinclination to get too involved, this relationship might really have legs. And then, they celebrated a big event in his life together. She introduced him to her friends.

All good.

He told her he needed to leave town for business. She told him to have a good time; she had things she needed to do. She’d see him when he got back.

He got back. And called her. Said, “I can’t give you the commitment you’re looking for.”

She thought, “I’M LOOKING FOR?” Pulled the phone from her ear and stared at it. Maybe she’d misunderstood.

Hung up the phone. Maybe she had misunderstood. Texted him the following morning. “I think I misunderstood you. Can you call me?” He texted back: He’d call after work.

He didn’t call.

She felt bad about this. Really bad. And then worse. What had she done wrong? What had she said to make him retreat so abruptly? She gave herself a day to roll herself over some coals. Spent a night lying awake one night staring at the ceiling.

Then came the revelation:

THE GUY IS A SCHMUCK.

She didn’t do anything wrong. The problem is him. The problem was him and will always be him. He’s an idiot.

Once she realized this, she did the right things. She reverted her Facebook status to ‘single.’ She deleted the schmuck from her cellphone. If he ever decides to contact her again, her next step would be to block all communication from him.

In other words, ice the loser.

Sad thing is, people who don’t know what the hell they want and feel free to use other people while they figure it out are legion. (On the plus side, it’s a fact that what comes around, goes around; or as Ann Landers admonished, “Time wounds all heels.”)

HERE’S THE LESSON IN THIS:

I certainly believe in love at first sight, but please be careful if anyone comes on too strong too soon and makes overtures toward “a relationship” before you know him and trust him.

This is your life we’re talking about.

The Hidden Message Behind His Texts

Dear Terry,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for ten months. He recently had a party at his apartment and told me it was a boys’ night. However, he texted me at one o’clock the morning of the party to tell me how lucky another guy was to have a “supermodel girlfriend” who he brought with him. I looked through his texts on another day to see texts to other girls inviting them to his party and when I tried to call him that night after he texted me he refused to answer. Do you think he is cheating on me?

-Confused

Dear Confused-

I believe he wants out of the relationship but is not man enough to tell you. I believe this for three reasons:

1) He shut you out of a party, which he claimed was for boys only. In other words, he lied.

2) He texted you at an ungodly hour to let you know that his friend is lucky to have a “supermodel” girlfriend. This is an extremely mean, cowardly, and jerky way of letting you know he would like a “supermodel” girlfriend — whatever the hell that means.

3) You found out that not only had he lied to you about his having a boys’ night, he actively recruited other women to attend his party.

This man is not your friend, let alone your boyfriend. Don’t text him. Don’t call him.

I have a feeling, though, when he figures out that he’s not all that attractive, he may try to snatch you up again in his net. (Some people need to know that at least somebody out there likes them.) If that happens, I would ignore him and move on, but if you can’t resist picking up the phone, answer in your snarliest tone and say, “What do YOU want?”

You deserve much better than this. If you insist on putting up with this crap, 15 years from now you will still be putting up with this crap — but probably from somebody else.

Is He Blowing Her Off?

Hi Terry-

I met a great guy, we went out for a date and really hit it off. Went out for date 2 and again really hit it off. He told me how crazy he was about me and couldn’t wait to see me again. That weekend there was absolutely no word from him until the following Monday when he said he was sorry but his mother’s health wasn’t looking so good (she’d been hospitalized for a tumor on her aorta as well as cancer) but all was well again. We stayed in touch either chatting or texting all day every day.

He even told me, “So do you go out with other guys like this? I mean if you do I’m less interested” which I found strange and simply responded, “Nobody at the moment but I’m not against the idea as we’re both technically single,” and then changed the subject. The following week he had to run a marathon and before running he suggested seeing me the next day. Well it just so happened to rain the day he ran and after running 22 miles in the rain he got sick and called and said, “I’m so sorry, I’d love to see you but I really don’t feel like doing anything. I feel bad and look even worse and don’t want you to see me like this, get turned off, and never see me again.” He was sick for about a week, then he had to go out-of-town for a family reunion but suggested we get together this past Tuesday, then said “Would you mind rescheduling for Wednesday? I need to go out-of-town to file that report about an accident I had”  (he’s a Navy Seal and was shot in the leg earlier in the year). I told him Wednesday would actually work better with my schedule as well. Wednesday morning I woke up to around 10 text messages all saying things like “You’re about to hate me, but today’s the first day my mom can eat normal foods, so my family’s bringing her food today. I feel bad, I know I can’t keep blowing you off like this, but I need to put my mom first. I understand if you never want to see me again especially since I haven’t been able to give you something as simple as my time, and you’ve been beyond patient.”

At that point I lost it and texted him, “Yeah I’ll be honest – I understand you’ve got priorities, but this is just a little too much for me. I hope you find what you’re looking for but I’m not it.” He texted things like, “I understand. Wait so you never want to see me again? After all this time.” He called me, I picked up. We chatted and he told me how it’d be different if we had already been dating for a while, then it wouldn’t be strange to have me come join them for dinner. I understood and agreed and told him he should probably put dating on hold and just cater to his family’s needs. He told me, “I almost wish I didn’t like you as much as I do. Then I’d be able to do that, but I really like you and I want to keep seeing you.” I told him I had to go to class and he texted me, “Please let me know if you’d be willing to see me if I promise not to do this again,” and I again changed the subject but eventually told him he had one more chance. Now he hasn’t really made any plans with me and has even said, “I know I only have one more chance with you and don’t want to screw anything up, so I don’t want to plan anything unless I know for sure I can keep them.” He said he was thinking he’d be back Saturday evening from racing in TN and was hoping to see me but said “No promises since nothing’s set in stone.” And of course when on his way home he decided to stop by Indiana on his way back to visit family. Today he called and asked what my plans were and said he was going out to lunch with some people from his gym. Why’s it feel like this guy’s not making me a priority? I mean, it’s been a total of a month since I’ve last seen him. Is this guy blowing me off, or does he just have bad luck? What would you do or say, if anything, if you were in my position?

-What’s Up With This Guy?

Dear What’s Up-

I don’t know what his problem is, and I’m not sure you should care. This guy sounds like way too much work.

He says he’s taking care of his mother, and if it’s true, that’s a very good thing. He calls after not seeing you for a month to say he’s going out with people from his gym, and that’s a bad thing.

(Is it possible he’s married or has another girlfriend?)

Instead of changing the subject when he promises not to ‘do this again,’ stay on topic. Tell him the truth, which is that you really like him, thought you’d hit it off, but have serious reservations about his level of interest in this relationship. (You could also throw in the fact that you truly respect the love and care he has shown his mother, but blowing you off to hang out with people from the gym is pathetic.)

And then, see what he does. There’s no need to keep making your case, and there’s certainly no need for him to keep telling you he wants to see you if he’s going to continue not seeing you to meet acquaintances for lunch.

The fact that he said, ‘So do you go out with other guys like this? I mean if you do I’m less interested,’ strikes me as slightly creepy.  When a guy expects you to put  life on hold when he’s done very little to warrant your attention, it could be your cue to run for the hills.

I’m not Kreskin, so maybe the guy will wake up and back up his words with actions. But maybe not. So don’t give him any more thought than he deserves. Keep busy. Date other people, definitely.

See  as many people as you can until you discover the one you gives you reason to stop seeing other people. If this person is it, let him prove it.

A waste of valuable tears

Dear Terry:

Your ideas are really fabulous. I came to know about you through my friend who has a happy life with her boyfriend because of you.

I am really in a mess. I would be greatly thankful if you could help me by answering. I am 20 years old. A few months ago, a guy proposed to me. He’d been my good friend. I thought about it, and a week later I said yes to him. Then, after a month, he flew abroad for his job. He didn’t call me for almost a week and one day I got hold of him, and we chatted for just a minute. Another day saw him on Facebook chat. He told me to come online at two in the morning so that we could chat. Every day I went on, hoping to chat with him, but he didn’t come on. Later I saw his Facebook profile and saw that he was online almost every day but never bothered to message me.

I was angry and removed him from my friend list. Then, later, he changed his Facebook relationship status to ‘in a relationship.’ I knew he didn’t mean me. I was so sad. I mailed him telling that I’m happy if he’s happy, but be serious this time, don’t break more hearts.

He replied, “”You are a great female. I don’t deserve you. I’m very bad. Didn’t mean to cheat on you. I’m sorry.”

I mailed him back. I didn’t yell at him, but I did tell him not to do this with any other girl. I really do love him. I think and cry about him. I know it’s silly, but I miss him a lot, and I don’t understand why he’s behaving so. He used to not be able to go out without texting me every five minutes. I love him so much.

I asked him about his new girlfriend, and he told me he’s just playing around. He hasn’t found any girl worth sticking with. I’m fed up crying for him. What should I do? I badly want him back. I can’t concentrate on anything because of this. Please guide me. I want so much for him to come back to me.

-Blown Out of the Water

Dear Blown Out-

Thanks for your very kind words. Now buckle up.

The guy you describe is a player, driven by an insatiable need to get as many women as possible interested in him. He must constantly prove to himself that he can get the attention of the opposite sex. It validates him. It makes him feel attractive. It makes him feel alive.

At his core, he feels bad about himself. He needs the constant interest of women to get through the day. When you told him you’d marry him, you gave him the ultimate approval. He quickly proved to be completely unworthy of it.

One day (and I hope it’s very, very soon), you will read his reply to you: “You are a great female. I don’t deserve you. I’m very bad. Didn’t mean to cheat on you. I’m sorry.” You will laugh out loud. You will snort and fall off your chair.

You will ask yourself, “What was I thinking? Why did I ever think twice about this loser?”

“You are a great female.”

Oh, my gosh. Who says that? It’s hilarious!

And he’s right. He doesn’t deserve you. He is very bad, and he’s very sad, too.

If I haven’t convinced you, think about what your life would be like with some clown who tells you he hasn’t found any girl worthy of him. Come on! And you know in your heart of hearts he had some habits that you didn’t like (the ridiculously frequent texting, perhaps?), so bring those habits to mind often and tell yourself, “I have built this guy up in my mind. He is not who I thought he was. I CAN, and I WILL get over him.”

Do me a favor: The next time someone asks you to meet them online (or anywhere else for that matter) and stands you up, dump him (unless he has a genuine and good excuse, like having to attend his mother’s funeral).

Waste not another second on this guy. Please stop your crying. Make room for a real man whose words match his actions.

Good luck!

When He Says He Doesn’t Want a Relationship

It happens.

You’re seeing a guy, and he’s given you every indication that he’s really, really into you. He stares directly into your eyes whenever you’re out together. He’s revealed a few secrets from his childhood. During the day, he sends flirtatious text messages.

You start to think this guy might be it. You’re gelling. He’s the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning. So, you ask him to a friend’s wedding/dinner with another couple/a family barbecue.

His response shocks you like a flat-iron falling into a bathtub:  “I don’t want a relationship.”

And, you think,  “Whaaaaaah?”

(Which is a reasonable response.)

Back home, you wonder what exactly you misunderstood. He certainly seemed to be into you. Maybe you were imagining things. No, you weren’t imagining things. You call a friend to reassure you that you weren’t imagining things.

She doesn’t let you down. “He said what?” she demands. “But I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I’ve heard the way he talks to you. I’ve heard the way he talks about you.”

And then your friend says what you’re hoping she’ll say: “He must be afraid of getting hurt. He likes you so much it’s freaking him out. Don’t worry; he’ll come around.”

But I’m going to tell you something else. I am going to tell you something that will save you many nights of lying awake plotting and scheming to get this man to understand that a) you are the one person he cannot live without, and b) you are not capable of ever hurting him.

When a man tells you he doesn’t want a relationship (no matter what he’s said or done to make you believe otherwise), you believe him.

Believe him!

And then you say, “I’m kind of surprised to hear that because I thought we had something. I liked you, and I thought you liked me.  Thanks for letting me know I had it wrong.” Smile (as genuinely as you can manage), shake the man’s hand, and get the hell out of the car/ restaurant/ bar with your back straight and your head high.

If you feel like crying, by all means go for it. But wait until you’re alone (or with a supportive friend). Then pat yourself on the back for walking away from a guy whose actions don’t match his words.

In the end, we all want a guy whose actions match his words.

This guy wasn’t it.

Whatever you do, please do not try to convince the guy that he does want a relationship, and he wants it with you. This is called begging, and it makes you look desperate and feel like a complete loser.  Why would you do that to yourself?

When a guy tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, take him at his word. Believe him. You’re much too good for the alternative.