Stuff You Just Don’t Have to Do to Meet Good Men

Patti Stanger, American TV’s “Millionaire Matchmaker,” insists that women who want to find love must possess one thing:

Straight hair.

According to her, all her male clients ask for women with straight hair.

Now here’s the thing: I have curly hair. For much of my teenage life, I slept with pantyhose on my head before a party to straighten it. Later on, I abused it to frizzy oblivion with hair dryers and irons.

After all this, no boyfriend.

Eventually, I met a hairdresser who convinced me to let my hair “do what it wants to do.” In other words, it’s curly. Let it be curly.

So I did. And, strangely enough, I attracted my first real boyfriend.

My advice to you is, if your hair is straight or curly, stop fighting it. This will sound cliche, but it’s true:

There’s only one you for a reason. Be you.

If you’re hoping to meet men by squeezing yourself into some pre-defined idea of beauty, please stop. For every man who likes a dark-skinned woman, there’s another who likes one with freckles.

We’re brainwashed to think all men want a woman who resembles a tall model. Why does it shock us when a man prefers a full-figured woman?

So, please love and celebrate yourself.

Oh, and if you’re in the habit of going out to meet men in very low-cut blouses (I see this too much!), please stop. By all means, expose your throat (it communicates vulnerability), but squashed up cleavage screams, “I’m out to meet a man!”

And only the most undesirable men rise to that bait.

Self-Esteem Is the Key to Good Love

Hi Terry,

I hope you can help me on this because I’m so confused. I’m a girl with a good heart who puts her family first before myself, since a child. I was the non-fussiest kid you could ever meet.

My little brother on the other hand always beat me, when we were kids, ‘coz my parents used to compare him with me to be like me, ’coz I got good grades and I’m non-fussy. When I beat him back after tolerating a little, he would run crying and show me the bad guy there. My mother always, always fell for this, and let’s just say she never treated me the same way as she treated him. My brother and I don’t talk very much, ’coz all the time he tries to inflict some hurt on me, and he’s very very selfish and rude. My parents too know this on some level, but their love for him is so blind, they can forgive him in snap of a second and pour all their love, ‘coz he tries to make up with lot of sweet talk.

Once I grew up, I learnt to keep this aside, but due to recession, I’m living with them, and I can see, nothing’s changed. When it comes to my brother and me, I just don’t exist for them. They always put him way above me and actually trust him that he’s the nicest guy on earth. Otherwise they’re very nice and caring. My father is good to me, but when he gets irritated (which he often does ), he just talks in such a sarcastic way, it’s so off-putting. My mother on the other hand, feels hurt for every little thing my boyfriends say or do, for her, no man is perfect, she goes on to say, very negative things about men (which was hard for me to battle inside my head).

I met a man recently who introduced me to his parents, they’re a very close knit family, the siblings share a close bond. I feel good around them all.

The guy wants to meet my family (just hinted about it), and I’m afraid how I should handle this. Should I tell him about them? He’s eager to bond with my brother, and I’m so confused how to handle this. I know this guy for 3 months, and I’m comfortable talking anything with him, except this.

In the past, I just shared with an ex boyfriend that I had some differences with my brother and when we had a little argument, he went on to say that – I always have fights with everyone (hinting my brother ).

I’m afraid if he knows about how not so lucky I’m, regarding to the people I could not choose (like my family), when my guy and I argue in the future, he would say that to me too, and it would tear me to pieces. How should I handle this?

-Vulnerable

Hello, Vulnerable-

Whenever we start any kind of new friendship, we make ourselves vulnerable. We leave ourselves open to all sorts of rejection.

Most of us walk through life unwittingly allowing the pains and slights from childhood to “run” us. You’re a lucky woman because you know your history with your parents and brother causes problems in your other relationships. When you’re aware of obstacles to your happiness, you can overcome them.

Two suggestions: You might seek a good therapist to help you get over the feelings of invisibility, unworthiness, and “what’s the use” thinking that may have resulted from your childhood. (I’m not a therapist, just a person with a lot of opinions.) Or you might try a self-help therapy called Emotional Freedom Technique to help you overcome these feelings (I’ve used EFT with great success for several issues. You can download a free instructional ebook and other information about it by clicking here. No, I don’t make any money on it.)

Now, regarding the new fellow who wants to meet your family, I don’t think there’s any harm in telling him the truth, as in, “I love my family very much, but our relationship is not perfect. I’m a little shy about having you meet them right now. Besides, I’m really enjoying getting to know you.”

It’s too bad that the former boyfriend used the family situation against you, but if your family’s treatment of you has indeed instilled in you feelings of “less than,” it’s possible that you attract people who treat you as “less than.” That’s why it’s critical that you unearth and destroy feelings feelings of inferiority or unworthiness. We attract what we think we deserve.

On top of this, your mother’s negative attitude about men may have affected you on some level. If you internalize negative beliefs about men, you tend to attract men who mirror those beliefs. We always want to prove ourselves right. You might work with some affirmations that negate what she’s instilled in you; i.e., if she says, “All men lie,” you can use the affirmation, “I attract men who love me and tell the truth.”

Above all, work on developing the self-esteem that your family situation robbed from you. Please look into EFT (which offers fast results), or at the very least buy a paperback by Louise Hay, entitled You Can Heal Your Life.

When you love yourself (and like and value yourself) as you are meant to, you’ll notice that your brother won’t bother you so much anymore. You may even find yourself feeling sorry for him. You will also notice that you attract better things: Better friends, better bosses, and lovely treatment from men.

In the meantime, I’ll think good thoughts for you. Here’s hoping you find a wonderful job that gets you out of your parents’ house.

How to Dazzle That Man

Have a big night coming up with a Mr. Very Possible? Nervous about making a great impression? Well, take a deep breath. Let’s ensure you easily make a stellar impression by tapping into the qualities that make you the treasure you are.

Let’s begin. But, before we start, remember:

1) Dating makes most people nervous. If Mr. Possible is a nice guy, he’s probably a little nervous about making a good impression, too (but he’s not necessarily showing it!).

2)Confidence and a good sense of humor make you more attractive than a perfect body and a beautiful face. (Read that again, please.)

So, right this very second, get yourself a pen and paper and write down:

1) All the things you’re good at.

2) The qualities your friends like about you.

3) Every compliment you can remember getting.

Bring these things to mind again as you’re getting ready for your night out. Remember who you are and why you’re special. Remember why the guy is lucky to be going out with you.

(No need to go to extremes and adopt an entitled or conceited attitude — surely you know that’s a turnoff — but by all means carry yourself with self-regard and quiet confidence.)

Cultivate a healthy sense of self-love. In addition to making you more attractive, it makes you less likely to accept substandard treatment from substandard men.

(PLEASE NOTE: It’s been said that you can’t really love anyone until you love yourself, but nobody can really love you until you love yourself, either.)

And then, because healthy men tend to be attracted to happy women, write a list of five things you’re grateful for. Now. (Even if you don’t have a job. If you have a roof over your head, food in the fridge, and breath in your body, you’re better off than many other people.)

Gratitude raises your vibration, gives you that je ne sais quoi everybody wants.

The weekend is upon us. Make it a good one!

When He Suddenly Cancels…

One of my closest friends is actively dating, having been divorced for a couple of years.

She encountered a “charming, funny” guy on a dating site and subsequently met him for a successful dinner. “I would definitely see him again,” she reported.

He called to set something up for the following weekend. They decided on a movie and dinner. He lives about a half hour away, so they planned to meet in her neighborhood.

She spent her day painting a room in her house, eagerly looking forward to seeing him again. Then she got into the shower and began the beauty routine. “I started to beat myself up about my weight, and I thought my skin looked too red,” but then I told myself the truth: I actually looked pretty good.”

On went the earrings.

And then the phone rang. Mr. Wonderful called to cancel.

So she called me. “I’m disappointed, but I’m going to make a good night of it. I put on my prettiest pajamas, and I just poured a glass of wine. I’m staying in and having a date with myself. What do you think I should make for dinner? Ahi tuna or crab cakes?”

(One thing about this friend: She always has good food in the house. She does not mess around.)

What I love about this story is my friend’s unwillingness to wallow in misery over a canceled date. Let’s face it. Dating occasionally involves disappointment.

Everybody on the dating scene faces disappointment sometimes. Not just my friend. Not just you. It can be part of the process of finding the love of your life.

If some “charming, funny” guy cancels on you, do your best to roll with it. Remember — and treat yourself — like a treasure yet to be discovered.

My friend is a treasure yet to be discovered. Some lucky man will see that and treat her accordingly.

I wish the very same for you. Take good care of yourself.

P.S. In an interesting Law of Attraction coincidence, I just finished writing a blog post on the attractiveness of treating yourself well (and on a couple of other subjects!) for Ronnie Ann Ryan‘s forthcoming Valentine’s Week event. Her blog will include one post per day featuring dating advice from a roster of sage experts.

Check this page for details.

UPDATE: Ronnie’s Valentine’s blog-a-thon will kick off this Thursday, February 10 with a post by Marla Martensen, author of Diary of a Beverly Hills Matchmaker.

For more on Marla, check out her website.

Are You Loveable?

Last Sunday, Americans celebrated Father’s Day.

It can be a tough day for women whose fathers have died, but it’s often tougher for women who had bad or non-existent relationships with the first man in their lives — the man who was supposed to cherish them, exalt them, treasure them, and love them from the very beginning.

It doesn’t take a trained professional to point out that girls who were abandoned by their fathers can have trouble forming lasting adult relationships with good men. Same goes for girls whose fathers were on the scene but emotionally distant, uninvolved, indifferent — or worse — abusive.

If your father fell into any one of these categories, you may have come away with (and be operating under) the misguided belief that you are somehow unloveable.

On the contrary, you are certainly loveable. You must understand this. The fact that your father failed to love you has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you.

He failed.

You can turn things around, though. Learn to love yourself. Understand that you are special and lovely and amazing and loveable just because you are who you are.

Make it your mission to love yourself. Treasure yourself. When you come to value yourself the way you were intended to be valued, your circumstances will change. (For advice on a developing deep and powerful self-love, many people read Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life. You may prefer to consult a reputable therapist in your area.)

You will find yourself attracting better friends, better jobs, and much better men. Try it and see.