Her Insecurity Is a Relationship-Killer

Hi Terry,

I’m very anxious that I’ll end up sabotaging my relationship because of insecurity.  I’m dating someone and it seems promising. Not sure if this is “the one,” but it might be.

I have anxiety and fear that a younger, better-looking woman will snatch him up.  My boyfriend is very cautious when it comes to long term commitment. We’re open about our issues and have talked and he’s assured me that he loves me, wants to be with me, and that he would never cheat. Like all men,  I know he looks at attractive women. But I don’t think he does it any more than the average guy, but I still catch him looking when we’re out and about.  He doesn’t stare blatantly, but I still catch him looking sometimes.

I don’t know why I keep feeling threatened by younger women. I’m slightly older than my boyfriend (we’re both in our thirties) and he assures me the slight age difference isn’t an issue.

But I keep thinking some younger, smarter, prettier woman will enter the picture and seduce him. I’m also afraid that he’s going to wake up one day and suddenly want to play the field, because he hasn’t had a lot of relationship experience. He’s a student and he’ll have an impressive degree in a couple of years. I knew guys that ended up making up for lost time in high school when the became successful or landed high paying jobs (like the stories of medical students who dumped their girlfriends for younger, better looking women when they finished medical school and stuff like that). My boyfriend isn’t the type, but I still feel insecure.

My ex had cheating tendencies (he was unfaithful with a woman older than me, though) and I left him. Also, I used to live in a very big “singles” city and I knew a lot of men my age and older who behaved like dogs. They only dated much younger women, they didn’t want to  commit or settle down, or they were confirmed bachelors.

I know a lot of it is my insecurities, but I feel that part of it is him because even though he knows my goals are marriage and kids I’m not certain he’ll ever propose, though he says he wants those things too. We’ve fought about it and it seems like he might come around soon. But I’m not sure.

Even if he doesn’t work out with him, this problem may come back to haunt me. My self esteem is so low sometimes when I see younger, more attractive women. I really feel I can’t compete. And I haven’t attracted honorable men in the past. Part of me feels if he were” the one” I wouldn’t feel insecure. That maybe a man who wasn’t as cautious about waiting to commit would make me feel more reassured? I’m so sick of all the relationship pain I’ve been through all these years. I just want someone who will love me and adore me and want to spend the rest of his life with me.

This guy might be it, but if he is, he is not doing it in the way I would have wanted it to happen. He’s more cautious about these things and taking his time with them. Is it unrealistic to want someone who would move the ends of the earth to make things happen for the relationship?

Please advise.

-A.

Dear A.-

You hit the nail on the head: Your lack of self-esteem is the source of all your problems, and it will continue to cause problems whether you marry this man or not.

Let me try to reason with you. Looks and youth only go so far when it comes to relationships. I’ve personally known several supermodel types (male and female) who continually fail to achieve happy, lasting unions. And I’ve also known people who’ve come in at a 5 on a 10-point scale and enjoy happy marriages.

I know only one man who left his wife for a younger woman (and the men in our group laughed at him because, hey, what is this couple going to talk about? Justin Bieber?)

As for your boyfriend checking out other women, well, who doesn’t notice attractive people? They’re everywhere, and they’re hard to miss. I notice them.

But I don’t stare. I don’t mentally undress them with my eyes. So, if your boyfriend notices, big deal. If he’s ogling them and licking his lips, that’s another story. If he’s pulling a neck muscle trying to get a look over your shoulder, I’d say that’s another story, too.

With regard to men’s behavior, statistics vary.

If you read the tabloids, every man wants to leave his wife for a younger/better-looking woman. Again, I see very little evidence of this in my own life, and I don’t live in a shoebox.

Recently, I went to my grammar school reunion. Everybody who attended was still married to his or her first spouse.

And I just came back from a vacation where I saw many middle-aged women who’d submitted to face lifts and chemical injections, only to end up looking slightly off. I assure you they did not look younger, but they still managed to hold onto their middle-aged husbands.

On the other hand, one of the most touching moments I witnessed was a middle-aged guy photographing his attractive 50-ish wife — as if she were a supermodel — as our ship pulled into port at Santorini.  Seriously. This guy went through a lot of pixels.

But, back to you. I can tell you all this, but you won’t believe me because you are deeply insecure, and you owe it to yourself to get that straightened out. Seek the help of a good professional. Check out some self-help books on the subject. Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life is a little airy-fairy for some people, but it’s an excellent start.

Make an investment in yourself.

The fact that your boyfriend takes commitment slowly and seriously is a good thing. Why aren’t you doing this? You shouldn’t be fighting about getting married. It diminishes you, and I’ll bet it feels horrible.

Besides, do you want to wake up two, four, ten years from now and wonder if the  guy only married you because you twisted his arm?

Marriage and children will never cure your insecurity.

In the meantime, tell yourself that you alone are responsible for your happiness. Seek help, definitely, but remind yourself that we come into this world alone, and we leave it alone.

Do the things you’ve put on hold while you’ve been trying to steer this relationship toward marriage. Make yourself happy. Happy people are attractive. Unhappy people are not, and they tend to drive others away.

He’s Not Ready to Get Married

Hi Terry, I’d really appreciate your advice on this one. I’ve been dating a man for about 5 months (though the first 6 weeks before we met was internet correspondence, so we’ve been in-person dating about 4 months). Things have been going well. We’re both in our 30′s ( I’m a couple of years older) and looking for long term serious relationships. Here’s the problem. This guy doesn’t have a lot of relationship experience and swears, in so many words, that I’m more or less the answer to his prayers. Him and I are both quirky and not the types of people who find it easy to meet like-minded souls. This guy has even told me that before I came along, he had resigned himself to never finding someone compatible. I’ve also met his family and have participated in some family events of his. He has stressed, many times, that I’m the only woman he’s ever met that he feels he can share a life with. Despite our common interests and common long term goals, I almost broke it off with him because I started to feel there wasn’t a future in it. The guy is a full time student with 3-4 more years of school and lives rent-free with a relative and it seemed like I’d have to wait around forever until he stabilized. He seemed very comfortable in his situation and at my age (I’m closer to 35 than to 30) I can’t wait years for a guy to get his act together. He also never initiated conversations about the future. I was pretty much ready to let him go and we had a frank conversation and I laid all the cards out on the table. To my surprise, he claimed he would do anything not to lose me and seemed to indicate his goals were the same as mine, but that he hadn’t wanted to mention those topics. We also agreed that we’d move in together when I find a job (I’m currently unemployed) and get the ball rolling. I’ve initiated several talks about the future and about having kids. His time line is a lot longer than mine and with pushing and pulling he seems to accept my position. For example, with my bio clock, I don’t want to wait too long to have kids with a person who claims that I’m the one they want to be with for the long haul. He felt he should wait at least 2  years. I told him I couldn’t wait 2 years to start and was going to end things because of that, but then he agreed that next year would be OK with him. For some reason, our marriage timelines don’t mesh. To make a long story short, I decided that moving in with him before marriage won’t be a good idea and told him that I only want to move in with someone in the context of a committed relationship. He seems to feel people should live with each other first for a few months before marrying (he’s never lived with a significant other. I have).  He has agreed to be in a long term relationship with me, move in with me, and supposedly have kids with me, but is reluctant to agree to marry me. He’s made comments before to the effect that he’s not ready for a “lifetime commitment.” I recently told him I need some space to reevaluate our relationship and ended up putting all my cards on the table and telling him in so many words that I am ready for marriage and that the moving-in-first scenario won’t work for me. I also told him that I’m uncomfortable being the only one who initiates dialogs related to our future such as living together, marriage, and kids. He says he’ll think about things.. Our conversation ended on a vague note and I don’t know what the outcome will be. Even though he seemed to come around to my point of view of having kids earlier than he initially thought of, he still doesn’t seem to take action or get the ball rolling on the marriage and kids issue. I feel it’s all still theoretical with him. He also has never initiated any dialogue to give me indication of explicitly wanting to marry me and proposing any kind of concrete timeline. I feel like the “shrew” pressuring the guy. I’m hurt because he claims I’m his soul mate. His family also feels he should should get married. And I don’t believe his reluctance is financial, because although he is on a low income, he’s receives an academic scholarship and most of his classmates in his graduate program are married or married with kids, on a similar income to his. My feeling is that at my age, courtship needn’t be so long. I’ve been in long courtships and nothing came of them. I feel that if I am as wonderful as he says I am (he claims that I’ve pretty much cured his loneliness), he should be happy to marry me and get the ball rolling. Not perpetually waver or not initiate anything. Your thoughts? -Not Waiting Around

Dear Not Waiting:

I understand your frustration. You want something very badly, and you seem to have run up against a roadblock.

The guy says he’s crazy about you. You are happy to have found a “like minded soul.” Unfortunately, after four months of dating, he’s not ready for a commitment.

Okay…

The first thing I’m going to ask you to do is imagine that you’re the one who’s

hesitant to commit at this point. You don’t have much relationship experience. You’re going with this person you consider an actual soul mate.

Finally, someone understands you. He gets you! You can’t believe your luck. You don’t want to do anything to blow it. This is all new to you. But, after four months, he wants to seal the deal and get married. He wants children. You’re in school, though, which worries you. Some of your friends at school are married, and you’re thinking, I’d rather finish up what I have on my plate before I fully commit to this new life. I love this person, and I don’t want to do this half-way. I want it to be right.

Also, you’ve lived long enough to know that sometimes people aren’t who they seem to be. This guy seems like the real deal — the soul mate — and if  he truly is, he’ll continue to be. So what’s the rush?

Do you see where I’m going with this?

I understand that you want to have children, that you’re almost 35 (which is hardly old by today’s standards). But I have to ask you, what happens if you get this guy to marry you, you get pregnant, and then you find his ideas on raising children are completely foreign to you? What happens if you have problems getting pregnant (I certainly hope it won’t happen, but it happens to a lot of people). What happens if you do have a child, and the child isn’t healthy?

What then?

You want to “get the ball rolling,” but before you can get married and have children, you need a solid foundation in place. It’s great that you consider each other soul mates, but can you count on each other if things don’t go according to plan? What kind of husband will this man be for you if you get sick or hurt? What kind of wife will you be to him if he gets sick or hurt?

Please give yourself the gift of time to find out.

I have a strong feeling this isn’t the advice you were looking for, but I’m not going to lie to you. There are a lot of people trapped in unhappy marriages out there. I’d hate for you to be one of them.

To your happily ever after,

Terry